Speaking about a loved one at a funeral or a Celebration of Life is one of the most difficult things many of us will face. Our emotions are already shredded with the loss of someone close to us to the point where we can hardly think. How can we write a Eulogy too?
I recently wrote a eulogy when my mother died although I initially had no idea where to begin. The best thing to do is speak from your heart. Eulogies are about the memories of that person and your shared personal experiences. It is an opportunity to reminisce and say why this special person was well-loved and will be missed by you and others.
A eulogy can be serious but including some humorous anecdotes will lighten an otherwise solemn occasion. It is okay if those gathered smile, or if they cry and it's natural if you do too. No one will hold it against you.
The following are some ideas to help you write a eulogy for your loved one:
- develop a theme, perhaps talk about one aspect of your loved one's life, i.e.: the good times you shared;
- mention a particular situation;
- mention something that he or she was passionate about;
- try to make it inspiring, praise him/her;
- include quotes and memories from his/her closest friends and relatives;
- mention memorable events and share a story;
- say why you will miss him/her and what you will never forget;
- suitable quotations, poems or bible readings can be included;
- mention how he/she affected others;
- talk about his/her interests and achievements;
- write your eulogy in chronological order.
Paint a picture of words of your loved one so that those present will feel his or her presence. At the reception following the service a friend of mine said she could almost feel my mother's presence. I told her she probably was there and reminded her that even at ninety my mother hated to miss a party.
At the end of your eulogy try to end it with something thoughtful and heartfelt. I ended my eulogy with, 'Thank you to all of you who had been her friend. She was my mother but she had also been my friend and I will miss her too.' A friend added at the end of her eulogy, 'An old Indian legend says that 'no one ever dies as long as one person is left to speak his/her name.' You will continue to live through your family and friends.'
And a quote from Dr. Seuss, 'Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.'
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Funeral Services and Celebrations of Life
There are many ways of having a service following the loss of a loved one. They can be small Celebrations of Life held in a family member's home, a quiet memorial or a more formal funeral service held in a chapel.
The Celebrations of Life and the quiet memorials usually follow a cremation. When there is an interment, there is usually more formality. Fifteen years before my mother passed, she had made arrangements, including what she wanted written on her tombstone, and including paying for a large portion of her service. This made the decisions that I had to make, as her Executor, much easier. She had even decided on the funeral home where she wanted her service held.
By going the route we did, they took care of everything with the only decision to be made was relating to the food at the reception following and procuring and meeting with a Pastor for the service. He did a wonderful job of making what could have been a very solemn and mournful occasion into one we know our mother would have wanted. He allowed us to have songs from the Sound of Music movie played instead of the usual music that usually completely undoes most people.
For some, this may be a difficult area depending on the religious level of the family but particularly on the religious or non-religious beliefs of the deceased. We are a spiritual family but not regular church-goers so we asked for a service that was not heavy on religion. The Pastor struck a wonderful happy medium. His meditation was A Life Worth Remembering, Proverbs 31:10-31 and the two hymns were I Come to the Garden Alone and Amazing Grace as well as my mother's favorite music. And a couple of Eulogies were given to honor her followed by a reception and a graveside service attended by the family.
This type of service was my mother's choice but for many it will not be an option. There is a huge cost both emotionally and financially in going this route. A quiet memorial held in someone's home is gaining in popularity following a cremation. There is often some speeches and a lot of reminiscing about the departed person. The cost is not exorbitant and emotional strings are not being pulled when decisions are required to be made and guilt placed on the family members to have a nice service for their lost loved one. Fortunately this was not the case with my mother but in most cases, this is not so.
A Celebration of Life is not for mourning a death, it is to happily remember that person. It is a good opportunity to make suggestions of how to keep the memory of your loved one alive. In our family, we have decided that every year we will continue to have a birthday celebration on our mother's birthday. Each year her birthday celebration was a day she eagerly looked forward to more than any other day of the year. We will continue to honor this for her.
Although most of the decisions had been made by our mother, the ones we had to make were made with the knowledge of what we knew she would have wished. It was the last thing we could do for our mother as we said goodbye to her for the last time.
The Celebrations of Life and the quiet memorials usually follow a cremation. When there is an interment, there is usually more formality. Fifteen years before my mother passed, she had made arrangements, including what she wanted written on her tombstone, and including paying for a large portion of her service. This made the decisions that I had to make, as her Executor, much easier. She had even decided on the funeral home where she wanted her service held.
By going the route we did, they took care of everything with the only decision to be made was relating to the food at the reception following and procuring and meeting with a Pastor for the service. He did a wonderful job of making what could have been a very solemn and mournful occasion into one we know our mother would have wanted. He allowed us to have songs from the Sound of Music movie played instead of the usual music that usually completely undoes most people.
For some, this may be a difficult area depending on the religious level of the family but particularly on the religious or non-religious beliefs of the deceased. We are a spiritual family but not regular church-goers so we asked for a service that was not heavy on religion. The Pastor struck a wonderful happy medium. His meditation was A Life Worth Remembering, Proverbs 31:10-31 and the two hymns were I Come to the Garden Alone and Amazing Grace as well as my mother's favorite music. And a couple of Eulogies were given to honor her followed by a reception and a graveside service attended by the family.
This type of service was my mother's choice but for many it will not be an option. There is a huge cost both emotionally and financially in going this route. A quiet memorial held in someone's home is gaining in popularity following a cremation. There is often some speeches and a lot of reminiscing about the departed person. The cost is not exorbitant and emotional strings are not being pulled when decisions are required to be made and guilt placed on the family members to have a nice service for their lost loved one. Fortunately this was not the case with my mother but in most cases, this is not so.
A Celebration of Life is not for mourning a death, it is to happily remember that person. It is a good opportunity to make suggestions of how to keep the memory of your loved one alive. In our family, we have decided that every year we will continue to have a birthday celebration on our mother's birthday. Each year her birthday celebration was a day she eagerly looked forward to more than any other day of the year. We will continue to honor this for her.
Although most of the decisions had been made by our mother, the ones we had to make were made with the knowledge of what we knew she would have wished. It was the last thing we could do for our mother as we said goodbye to her for the last time.
Monday, June 20, 2011
The Loss of a Parent is One of Life's Great Tragedies
The loss of a parent is traumatic. It is the end of a large segment of ones life. It means that the one person we can count on to love us without judgment or reservation is no longer there.
Losing a parent is a blow to the psyche. There is no longer a parent to go home to especially if we have lost both of our parents. There is no one to ask, 'What was I like when I was six years old? Does my son/daughter look like me at this age? What were you like when you were my age?” There are so many questions to ask and no one to answer them. And when we lose both parents,the generation that came before us is no longer living and we become the oldest. We are then expected to be wise and to make good decisions. We are forced then to contemplate our own mortality.
When our parents die, it is inevitable that there will be devastation. This bond, which is one of the strongest there is, has been severed by death. They are gone forever and there is no return. No matter our age, even if we're older when we lose our parent/parents, our grief will not be diminished by our age. I know this to be true because I have recently lost my mother.
Losing a loved one can take an emotional as well as a physical toll. It will be important to lighten your workload, get a lot of rest, eat adequately and take care of yourself. As I sat by the bedside of my mother in her final days, and following her loss, I felt completely drained. As her executor, I handled all the necessary details. But because I have always had an abundance of energy, I was surprised at my extreme feelings of exhaustion during all of this. I realized following the loss of my mother that I was not only losing my parent but my friend and adviser as well.
When we lose a parent, we may feel shock, anger, guilt or denial. When I lost my father many years ago, he was a relatively young man so I had feelings of anger because I felt it was unfair that he would die when he still had so much to live for. I felt guilt because I didn't feel that I had told him that I loved him often enough. And after he died I felt denial and was unable to talk about my loss for years without crying. Acceptance was difficult to achieve for a very long time where my father was concerned.
When my mother died two weeks ago, she was almost ninety-one years old. She had many years to do the things she wanted to do and she was ready to go. Because of that I felt no anger, nor guilt. I'd had many years to show her how I felt about her. I did however feel shock at the sudden failure of her health but at this age it should not have been completely unexpected.
I realize now when I think about how I have handled the loss of each of my parents that coping with grief depends somewhat on your personality, your coping abilities, life experiences and, I believe, particularly on your maturity.
But tears do not mean you are not handling your loss well. As the Pastor who looked after my mother's service said as I tried to control my tears, 'There is nothing wrong with crying. Tears help to wash the grief away.' And with that will come acceptance.
Losing a parent is a blow to the psyche. There is no longer a parent to go home to especially if we have lost both of our parents. There is no one to ask, 'What was I like when I was six years old? Does my son/daughter look like me at this age? What were you like when you were my age?” There are so many questions to ask and no one to answer them. And when we lose both parents,the generation that came before us is no longer living and we become the oldest. We are then expected to be wise and to make good decisions. We are forced then to contemplate our own mortality.
When our parents die, it is inevitable that there will be devastation. This bond, which is one of the strongest there is, has been severed by death. They are gone forever and there is no return. No matter our age, even if we're older when we lose our parent/parents, our grief will not be diminished by our age. I know this to be true because I have recently lost my mother.
Losing a loved one can take an emotional as well as a physical toll. It will be important to lighten your workload, get a lot of rest, eat adequately and take care of yourself. As I sat by the bedside of my mother in her final days, and following her loss, I felt completely drained. As her executor, I handled all the necessary details. But because I have always had an abundance of energy, I was surprised at my extreme feelings of exhaustion during all of this. I realized following the loss of my mother that I was not only losing my parent but my friend and adviser as well.
When we lose a parent, we may feel shock, anger, guilt or denial. When I lost my father many years ago, he was a relatively young man so I had feelings of anger because I felt it was unfair that he would die when he still had so much to live for. I felt guilt because I didn't feel that I had told him that I loved him often enough. And after he died I felt denial and was unable to talk about my loss for years without crying. Acceptance was difficult to achieve for a very long time where my father was concerned.
When my mother died two weeks ago, she was almost ninety-one years old. She had many years to do the things she wanted to do and she was ready to go. Because of that I felt no anger, nor guilt. I'd had many years to show her how I felt about her. I did however feel shock at the sudden failure of her health but at this age it should not have been completely unexpected.
I realize now when I think about how I have handled the loss of each of my parents that coping with grief depends somewhat on your personality, your coping abilities, life experiences and, I believe, particularly on your maturity.
But tears do not mean you are not handling your loss well. As the Pastor who looked after my mother's service said as I tried to control my tears, 'There is nothing wrong with crying. Tears help to wash the grief away.' And with that will come acceptance.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Losing a Parent
Even when we expect the inevitable with an aged parent, the shock is no less. Even when we think we have asked all the questions we would need to know to carry on and continue our family heritage, we haven't. Two weeks ago I lost my mother. She was ready to go but it doesn't make it hurt less. A few weeks ago she said that she thought He must have forgotten her name because he had not called her home. She said, 'I'm ready to go."
I was very saddened by her wish to leave her family. My brother disagreed with me. He said, had she been in her 50's, 60's or even 70's, he would have agreed but at almost ninety-one years of age, she had lived a good life and she had the right to go if she chose. Put that way, I guess I have to agree too. Everything was difficult for her - even going to the bathroom was an ordeal as was getting ready for bed. She kept saying she was 'so tired' and yet it was us who continued to cling.
Having been told that she had gone into kidney failure, with no prior warning, she lasted five days. Her family kept a constant vigil by her bedside and there were often four generations clustered around her bed. At times she made an effort to communicate, at other times she seemed content to know we were all there. In those final days she must have been aware of the love surrounding her. My eight year old grandson lay his hand on hers and told her he would miss her. Those were the last words he spoke to her. My two year old granddaughter, who is named after her great grandmother, said, 'I love you Granny' and she summoned the strength to pass words of love on to the child.
She has gone home to be with my father and they are probably sitting again with their chairs parked beside each other, holding hands as they did so often in life.
I was very saddened by her wish to leave her family. My brother disagreed with me. He said, had she been in her 50's, 60's or even 70's, he would have agreed but at almost ninety-one years of age, she had lived a good life and she had the right to go if she chose. Put that way, I guess I have to agree too. Everything was difficult for her - even going to the bathroom was an ordeal as was getting ready for bed. She kept saying she was 'so tired' and yet it was us who continued to cling.
Having been told that she had gone into kidney failure, with no prior warning, she lasted five days. Her family kept a constant vigil by her bedside and there were often four generations clustered around her bed. At times she made an effort to communicate, at other times she seemed content to know we were all there. In those final days she must have been aware of the love surrounding her. My eight year old grandson lay his hand on hers and told her he would miss her. Those were the last words he spoke to her. My two year old granddaughter, who is named after her great grandmother, said, 'I love you Granny' and she summoned the strength to pass words of love on to the child.
She has gone home to be with my father and they are probably sitting again with their chairs parked beside each other, holding hands as they did so often in life.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Single Parents - Dating Again
Dating as a newly single parent is not as simple as dating when you are single and have no children. As a parent, what you do affects not only yourself but your children as well.
What should you consideration before you make the decision to begin dating again?
- Initially seek new friends, male or female, not dates. New friends will enrich both your children's, as well as your own life, with new activities and experiences.
- Keep your married friends as well as increase your single friends.
- Enjoy your children and take the opportunity to do more things as a family to help your children through the loss of their parent not being there. It is important to put your children first.
- When you make plans with old and new friends, do some things on your own but include your children in many of your activities so they don't feel abandoned.
- Keep communication open with your children. Before you begin to date again, prepare your children and explain to them that when people are adults, they like to have friends of the opposite sex.
- Before you begin dating, know what you want. And have a very clear idea of what you don't want, i.e.: someone who drinks too much or smokes, etc.
- Enter the dating scene slowly. Don't jump into a new relationship; take time to enjoy time spent by yourself and with your children.
- Don't be desperate and attach yourself to another relationship that may not be good for yourself or your children. Finding another mate doesn't have to be, and shouldn't be, the first thing on your to do list.
- Don't start dating for the wrong reasons, i.e.: your friends have bullied you into it, your ex spouse is dating or because you want to show others how attractive you are.
- Don't bring a new person home to meet your children unless you feel it will be a serious relationship. Bringing home a series of new people will confuse your children.
- Before introducing anyone new to your children, make sure you know a lot about them and preferably have met their friends.
- When you do decide to introduce a new person to your children, to so as a friend first. Let children get to know the new person and feel comfortable with them before there are sleepovers.
- Be patient and let your children warm up to the new person.
- Although it is good to listen to your heart, it's important also to listen to your brain and make sure that common sense takes precedence.
- Don't view someone you've met with star-struck eyes – consider whether this person is a good fit in your family and not someone to replace feelings of loneliness. Having a new person in your life is not necessarily a prescription for happiness. Happiness has to come from within.
- When bringing someone into your life, as a parent it will be important that he/she truly likes children, is kind, patient and has no anger issues.
- A new someone in your life should not discipline your children.
Although it is not easy to date as a single parent, by being patient and weeding through the unsuitable and having common sense, there is a good chance of finding the perfect match for you and your children.
What should you consideration before you make the decision to begin dating again?
- Initially seek new friends, male or female, not dates. New friends will enrich both your children's, as well as your own life, with new activities and experiences.
- Keep your married friends as well as increase your single friends.
- Enjoy your children and take the opportunity to do more things as a family to help your children through the loss of their parent not being there. It is important to put your children first.
- When you make plans with old and new friends, do some things on your own but include your children in many of your activities so they don't feel abandoned.
- Keep communication open with your children. Before you begin to date again, prepare your children and explain to them that when people are adults, they like to have friends of the opposite sex.
- Before you begin dating, know what you want. And have a very clear idea of what you don't want, i.e.: someone who drinks too much or smokes, etc.
- Enter the dating scene slowly. Don't jump into a new relationship; take time to enjoy time spent by yourself and with your children.
- Don't be desperate and attach yourself to another relationship that may not be good for yourself or your children. Finding another mate doesn't have to be, and shouldn't be, the first thing on your to do list.
- Don't start dating for the wrong reasons, i.e.: your friends have bullied you into it, your ex spouse is dating or because you want to show others how attractive you are.
- Don't bring a new person home to meet your children unless you feel it will be a serious relationship. Bringing home a series of new people will confuse your children.
- Before introducing anyone new to your children, make sure you know a lot about them and preferably have met their friends.
- When you do decide to introduce a new person to your children, to so as a friend first. Let children get to know the new person and feel comfortable with them before there are sleepovers.
- Be patient and let your children warm up to the new person.
- Although it is good to listen to your heart, it's important also to listen to your brain and make sure that common sense takes precedence.
- Don't view someone you've met with star-struck eyes – consider whether this person is a good fit in your family and not someone to replace feelings of loneliness. Having a new person in your life is not necessarily a prescription for happiness. Happiness has to come from within.
- When bringing someone into your life, as a parent it will be important that he/she truly likes children, is kind, patient and has no anger issues.
- A new someone in your life should not discipline your children.
Although it is not easy to date as a single parent, by being patient and weeding through the unsuitable and having common sense, there is a good chance of finding the perfect match for you and your children.
Monday, May 23, 2011
How to Promote Happiness Within Your Family
Being close to your family is a unique feeling. It is the type of closeness that you can't get from anyone else. In a healthy, stable family, this feeling translates into a happiness, contentment and a feeling of security that can't be duplicated in other relationships.
How can you have this type of family happiness if you don't already have it in your family?
- Communicate, talk together, be interested in what matters to others in your family, share feelings and thoughts, and really listen to what others in your family have to say;
- Patience – treat family members with the same consideration you would a friend;
- Be happy with yourself and content with your life and these feelings will pass to other members of your family, share the happiness you feel;
- Enjoy your family in the moment, not later when you have more time (sometimes there isn't a later time, there's always just a busy time and then children have grown up and gone). Family should be a number one priority;
- Enjoy fun things together and make exciting plans together for the future, i.e.: an outing, a family event or a vacation;
- Give each other their personal space;
- It is more important to give family members your time and undivided attention than it is to shower them with toys and other gifts;
- Eat dinner together. It is a perfect time to talk and stay in touch with what each person in the family is doing;
- Look at life as a cup being half full and it will help your family do so also;
- Feel grateful for what you have and avoid resentment and negativity at all costs;
- Be positive, smile often and make laughter a common occurrence in your family;
- Do things together as a family – fun things. Or maybe do something together as a family for others too, i.e.: keep a portion of a street clean, pick up garbage at your local beach, help an elderly neighbor, or give socks or mitts to the homeless when the weather turns cold. There are so many things that can be done and it is a perfect opportunity for a family to plan something to do together;
- Think, as a family, about the things that are important in life, i.e.: more about our environment and less about materialism. Does having a bigger house or a newer car make us happier? Happiness doesn't lie with more and better things. Happiness is family and friends and living a life we can look back on and be proud about.
I am very fortunate to have a close family who enjoy the company of each other. We socialize and although we are family, we are also friends. Becoming friends with your family will also help to promote happiness.
How can you have this type of family happiness if you don't already have it in your family?
- Communicate, talk together, be interested in what matters to others in your family, share feelings and thoughts, and really listen to what others in your family have to say;
- Patience – treat family members with the same consideration you would a friend;
- Be happy with yourself and content with your life and these feelings will pass to other members of your family, share the happiness you feel;
- Enjoy your family in the moment, not later when you have more time (sometimes there isn't a later time, there's always just a busy time and then children have grown up and gone). Family should be a number one priority;
- Enjoy fun things together and make exciting plans together for the future, i.e.: an outing, a family event or a vacation;
- Give each other their personal space;
- It is more important to give family members your time and undivided attention than it is to shower them with toys and other gifts;
- Eat dinner together. It is a perfect time to talk and stay in touch with what each person in the family is doing;
- Look at life as a cup being half full and it will help your family do so also;
- Feel grateful for what you have and avoid resentment and negativity at all costs;
- Be positive, smile often and make laughter a common occurrence in your family;
- Do things together as a family – fun things. Or maybe do something together as a family for others too, i.e.: keep a portion of a street clean, pick up garbage at your local beach, help an elderly neighbor, or give socks or mitts to the homeless when the weather turns cold. There are so many things that can be done and it is a perfect opportunity for a family to plan something to do together;
- Think, as a family, about the things that are important in life, i.e.: more about our environment and less about materialism. Does having a bigger house or a newer car make us happier? Happiness doesn't lie with more and better things. Happiness is family and friends and living a life we can look back on and be proud about.
I am very fortunate to have a close family who enjoy the company of each other. We socialize and although we are family, we are also friends. Becoming friends with your family will also help to promote happiness.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The Power of a Smile
A smile is so simple but it can mean so much to both yourself and to others. It can light up a room and make others feel they have found a friend.
Smiles show pleasure, happiness, amusement and humor. But smiles are also welcoming and friendly. Some smiles touch only the mouth but a sincere smile will reach the eyes.
When we smile we are more attractive and we stand out from those who are not smiling. It reduces our stress level and improves our health. Others are attracted and drawn to those who smile. Smiling elevates our moods, boosts our immune system, lowers our blood pressure, releases endorphins within our bodies, makes us look younger and helps us to stay positive. Smiling makes us more approachable and more optimistic. Smiles, like laughter, are contagious.
A smile can mean the world to a lonely person, to one with low self-esteem or little confidence and to someone who is feeling sad or depressed. A smile is powerful. It can make someone else feel happier and feel good about themselves. You can smile at strangers you meet on transit, while shopping, when you visit the doctor or dentist or anywhere else you go.
To encourage your own smiles, think about the things that make you smile. Are they the antics of your children, the laughter of your grandchildren, a wink from your spouse, rocky road ice cream, sushi, dancing with someone special, the sun shining, a rainbow, crocuses poking their heads above the earth in early spring, a dog wagging its tail or a job well done?
The expression, fake it until you make it, could also apply to smiling. If you don't feel like smiling, smile anyway. But the more we smile, the more we feel that we genuinely want to smile. And the more we smile, the better we feel. The better we feel, the better those around us will feel. Therefore, it's easy to see that our smiles can create a domino effect.
Smiling also leads to thinking positively and a smile is a short hop away from laughter. Laughing is good for the heart, and like a smile is a pain and stress reliever. It is beneficial to the lungs, boosts immunity and because it is energizing, it can burn calories. Optimists smile more often than do pessimists. And optimists have better health. According to a recent study, a smile gives the same level of stimulation as eating 2,000 chocolate bars but is much better for the waistline. And when we smile, our voices sound warmer and more welcoming, making us more approachable.
A smile is recognized the world over and often no words are necessary when a person smiles in friendship. When you go about your day, remember the power of a smile.
Smiles show pleasure, happiness, amusement and humor. But smiles are also welcoming and friendly. Some smiles touch only the mouth but a sincere smile will reach the eyes.
When we smile we are more attractive and we stand out from those who are not smiling. It reduces our stress level and improves our health. Others are attracted and drawn to those who smile. Smiling elevates our moods, boosts our immune system, lowers our blood pressure, releases endorphins within our bodies, makes us look younger and helps us to stay positive. Smiling makes us more approachable and more optimistic. Smiles, like laughter, are contagious.
A smile can mean the world to a lonely person, to one with low self-esteem or little confidence and to someone who is feeling sad or depressed. A smile is powerful. It can make someone else feel happier and feel good about themselves. You can smile at strangers you meet on transit, while shopping, when you visit the doctor or dentist or anywhere else you go.
To encourage your own smiles, think about the things that make you smile. Are they the antics of your children, the laughter of your grandchildren, a wink from your spouse, rocky road ice cream, sushi, dancing with someone special, the sun shining, a rainbow, crocuses poking their heads above the earth in early spring, a dog wagging its tail or a job well done?
The expression, fake it until you make it, could also apply to smiling. If you don't feel like smiling, smile anyway. But the more we smile, the more we feel that we genuinely want to smile. And the more we smile, the better we feel. The better we feel, the better those around us will feel. Therefore, it's easy to see that our smiles can create a domino effect.
Smiling also leads to thinking positively and a smile is a short hop away from laughter. Laughing is good for the heart, and like a smile is a pain and stress reliever. It is beneficial to the lungs, boosts immunity and because it is energizing, it can burn calories. Optimists smile more often than do pessimists. And optimists have better health. According to a recent study, a smile gives the same level of stimulation as eating 2,000 chocolate bars but is much better for the waistline. And when we smile, our voices sound warmer and more welcoming, making us more approachable.
A smile is recognized the world over and often no words are necessary when a person smiles in friendship. When you go about your day, remember the power of a smile.
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