The Loss of a Parent is One of Life's Great Tragedies

The loss of a parent is traumatic. It is the end of a large segment of ones life. It means that the one person we can count on to love us without judgment or reservation is no longer there.

Losing a parent is a blow to the psyche. There is no longer a parent to go home to especially if we have lost both of our parents. There is no one to ask, 'What was I like when I was six years old? Does my son/daughter look like me at this age? What were you like when you were my age?” There are so many questions to ask and no one to answer them. And when we lose both parents,the generation that came before us is no longer living and we become the oldest. We are then expected to be wise and to make good decisions. We are forced then to contemplate our own mortality.

When our parents die, it is inevitable that there will be devastation. This bond, which is one of the strongest there is, has been severed by death. They are gone forever and there is no return. No matter our age, even if we're older when we lose our parent/parents, our grief will not be diminished by our age. I know this to be true because I have recently lost my mother.

Losing a loved one can take an emotional as well as a physical toll. It will be important to lighten your workload, get a lot of rest, eat adequately and take care of yourself. As I sat by the bedside of my mother in her final days, and following her loss, I felt completely drained. As her executor, I handled all the necessary details. But because I have always had an abundance of energy, I was surprised at my extreme feelings of exhaustion during all of this. I realized following the loss of my mother that I was not only losing my parent but my friend and adviser as well.

When we lose a parent, we may feel shock, anger, guilt or denial. When I lost my father many years ago, he was a relatively young man so I had feelings of anger because I felt it was unfair that he would die when he still had so much to live for. I felt guilt because I didn't feel that I had told him that I loved him often enough. And after he died I felt denial and was unable to talk about my loss for years without crying. Acceptance was difficult to achieve for a very long time where my father was concerned.

When my mother died two weeks ago, she was almost ninety-one years old. She had many years to do the things she wanted to do and she was ready to go. Because of that I felt no anger, nor guilt. I'd had many years to show her how I felt about her. I did however feel shock at the sudden failure of her health but at this age it should not have been completely unexpected.

I realize now when I think about how I have handled the loss of each of my parents that coping with grief depends somewhat on your personality, your coping abilities, life experiences and, I believe, particularly on your maturity.

But tears do not mean you are not handling your loss well. As the Pastor who looked after my mother's service said as I tried to control my tears, 'There is nothing wrong with crying. Tears help to wash the grief away.' And with that will come acceptance.