Sibling Rivalry - Conflict and Family Chaos

Sibling rivalry can start before a second child is born while the first child watches the preparations and excitement as parents prepare and await the new arrival. Mom may be tired and not able to give child number one the attention he had so recently enjoyed. According to studies done, children as young as fifteen months are very aware of changes such as these. Once the new child arrives, and we all know that babies take up a lot of time, the older child will very likely have feelings of jealousy. As he becomes older there will be competition and possessiveness concerning what he considers belongs to him.

This will be even more the case as they grow older especially if the children are the same gender. The older one may assert his will over the younger one. If the younger child is easy going and isn't bothered by being bossed, there likely will not be a problem. But if the younger one, or especially if both children are strong-willed, there will probably be sibling rivalry in some form.

This was the case with my two brothers who were thirteen months apart. Both determined, neither had any intention of backing down. They competed in everything and fought about things that were of no consequence. My mother spent her days yelling at them and slamming doors as her anger increased. This didn't help the situation.

As adults the sibling rivalry between them is as strong as it ever was. Unfortunately, they rarely talk to each other and see each other only when they are in company with me. Although we were all within three years, neither had a problem with me because I was a girl.

According to studies, it is important how parents handle sibling rivalry. Parents should try not to get involved in disagreements unless there is the possibility of physical harm. If parents become involved, other problems may be created such as one child thinking that the other child is getting more attention, preferential treatment or is being overly protected.

If parents step in, children won't learn to work out their problems on their own and will wait instead for parental intervention. If safety issues are not a concern, the only intervention should be separating the children and allowing them to have a cool down period.

When children learn to solve their own problems, they learn to value other people's opinions, learn to negotiate and compromise and learn how to get along with others in an appropriate manner.

Parents should set appropriate rules of behavior to be followed, they should try to give each child equal parent time, make sure that each child has their own space, let each child know they are loved, do things together as a family, and when children fight constantly over the same thing, set up a time schedule of use for the item in question. And if all things fail, establish regular family meetings to discuss sibling conflict.

It is important to remember that, as with all of us, each person has a different disposition, propensity for varying moods, ability to adapt to different situations and our own unique personalities which will all play a part in our ability to get along. But with sibling rivalry, the predominant issue seems to be competition and jealousy, particularly if they are the same gender and close in age.