For those who have made the decision to be single, many will discover that loneliness is a constant companion. For others, loneliness may not be a factor. What can you do to avoid feeling lonely when you are a single parent?
After the children are in bed is when you many may feel the pangs of loneliness. But when it's peaceful and quiet may be the perfect time to put this alone time to good advantage. Now may be the opportunity to take up a hobby, explore interests that you have previously put on the back burner, take an online course to further your education, take a night school course and learn something fun while you're meeting new people, call a friend to talk or invite a friend over for coffee. Stay connected with family and friends because it's important to build a support network to call when loneliness does whisper in your ear.
Other loneliness fighters are spending time in nature. It's also a great stress reliever. Take the children to the playground, the zoo or the water park and talk to other parents. Do volunteer work because if you're doing something for other people, you won't be thinking about yourself, and the bonus is, you'll be meeting other single parents. Go to the gym. A good workout helps everyone's state of mind. When meeting people be outgoing and put a smile on your face. The majority of people will not ignore a smile and a friendly face. Initiate conversations, many people are shy about doing this. All of these things will not only help you meet new people but will increase your self-esteem and confidence. Do not wallow in self-pity – it's a complete waste of time.
There are also many singles social groups available both online and in your community where people organize outings like hikes, bowling, movies, potlucks and trips. Everyone will be in the same position as you are. Or organize your own group with single friends.
The secret I found to not being lonely was being busy and having a purpose in my life. When I was single and raising five children on my own, I was too busy to think about being lonely. Who can be with so many children and their friends around? This time alone with your children is a good opportunity to enjoy them and you may find, as I did, that when they grow older, they will be some of your best friends.
Loneliness to me is abstract. It's a feeling, not something you can put your finger on. And as a feeling, I believe it can be changed to a belief in your own abilities, strengths and what you are capable of doing. When your life is full, you will have too much happening to be lonely. By doing this, you may find that loneliness becomes something you never think of, because you don't have time.
Loneliness does happen to many people but there are ways to avoid its grasping tentacles by being open, approachable, friendly and busy. And spending time with your children will give your life purpose. And both they and you will benefit.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Sibling Rivalry - Conflict and Family Chaos
Sibling rivalry can start before a second child is born while the first child watches the preparations and excitement as parents prepare and await the new arrival. Mom may be tired and not able to give child number one the attention he had so recently enjoyed. According to studies done, children as young as fifteen months are very aware of changes such as these. Once the new child arrives, and we all know that babies take up a lot of time, the older child will very likely have feelings of jealousy. As he becomes older there will be competition and possessiveness concerning what he considers belongs to him.
This will be even more the case as they grow older especially if the children are the same gender. The older one may assert his will over the younger one. If the younger child is easy going and isn't bothered by being bossed, there likely will not be a problem. But if the younger one, or especially if both children are strong-willed, there will probably be sibling rivalry in some form.
This was the case with my two brothers who were thirteen months apart. Both determined, neither had any intention of backing down. They competed in everything and fought about things that were of no consequence. My mother spent her days yelling at them and slamming doors as her anger increased. This didn't help the situation.
As adults the sibling rivalry between them is as strong as it ever was. Unfortunately, they rarely talk to each other and see each other only when they are in company with me. Although we were all within three years, neither had a problem with me because I was a girl.
According to studies, it is important how parents handle sibling rivalry. Parents should try not to get involved in disagreements unless there is the possibility of physical harm. If parents become involved, other problems may be created such as one child thinking that the other child is getting more attention, preferential treatment or is being overly protected.
If parents step in, children won't learn to work out their problems on their own and will wait instead for parental intervention. If safety issues are not a concern, the only intervention should be separating the children and allowing them to have a cool down period.
When children learn to solve their own problems, they learn to value other people's opinions, learn to negotiate and compromise and learn how to get along with others in an appropriate manner.
Parents should set appropriate rules of behavior to be followed, they should try to give each child equal parent time, make sure that each child has their own space, let each child know they are loved, do things together as a family, and when children fight constantly over the same thing, set up a time schedule of use for the item in question. And if all things fail, establish regular family meetings to discuss sibling conflict.
It is important to remember that, as with all of us, each person has a different disposition, propensity for varying moods, ability to adapt to different situations and our own unique personalities which will all play a part in our ability to get along. But with sibling rivalry, the predominant issue seems to be competition and jealousy, particularly if they are the same gender and close in age.
This will be even more the case as they grow older especially if the children are the same gender. The older one may assert his will over the younger one. If the younger child is easy going and isn't bothered by being bossed, there likely will not be a problem. But if the younger one, or especially if both children are strong-willed, there will probably be sibling rivalry in some form.
This was the case with my two brothers who were thirteen months apart. Both determined, neither had any intention of backing down. They competed in everything and fought about things that were of no consequence. My mother spent her days yelling at them and slamming doors as her anger increased. This didn't help the situation.
As adults the sibling rivalry between them is as strong as it ever was. Unfortunately, they rarely talk to each other and see each other only when they are in company with me. Although we were all within three years, neither had a problem with me because I was a girl.
According to studies, it is important how parents handle sibling rivalry. Parents should try not to get involved in disagreements unless there is the possibility of physical harm. If parents become involved, other problems may be created such as one child thinking that the other child is getting more attention, preferential treatment or is being overly protected.
If parents step in, children won't learn to work out their problems on their own and will wait instead for parental intervention. If safety issues are not a concern, the only intervention should be separating the children and allowing them to have a cool down period.
When children learn to solve their own problems, they learn to value other people's opinions, learn to negotiate and compromise and learn how to get along with others in an appropriate manner.
Parents should set appropriate rules of behavior to be followed, they should try to give each child equal parent time, make sure that each child has their own space, let each child know they are loved, do things together as a family, and when children fight constantly over the same thing, set up a time schedule of use for the item in question. And if all things fail, establish regular family meetings to discuss sibling conflict.
It is important to remember that, as with all of us, each person has a different disposition, propensity for varying moods, ability to adapt to different situations and our own unique personalities which will all play a part in our ability to get along. But with sibling rivalry, the predominant issue seems to be competition and jealousy, particularly if they are the same gender and close in age.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Advantages of Three Generations Living Together
In some cultures multiple generations living together, is the norm, rather than the exception. Because there are so many advantages to this style of living, it's a wonder that more people haven't adapted to it. The following are some of the advantages to shared living:
1.Financially it helps all those involved as they pool their resources for overhead such as mortgage or rent, electricity, gas, cable, phone, internet and any other costs. By doing it this way, per family costs are greatly reduced.
2.Keeping the yard and house maintained is easier too because there are more people available to help.
3.When expenses are shared, each family can save more money for extra things, i.e.: cars, trips or a house of their own.
4.There are always babysitters available for the younger children.
5.There is not so much wastage as when cooking; there's always someone to eat the leftovers.
6.Cars, clothes and other things can be shared.
7.It helps family members each build up equity, if that's the way they've set it up but at the very least, to be able to save for a down payment.
Three of my children and myself did this although it wasn't one house we shared. Together we bought a fourplex and each family group had their own private space. But we all contributed equally to the mortgage and monetarily and physically to maintenance of the yard and the building. When painting and other things had to be done, we all pitched in. There was always someone available for babysitting; my daughter and I shared clothes, and we didn't have to go very far to celebrate Christmas, Easter , Thanksgiving and birthdays.
It helped to maintain the closeness we already shared although admittedly it could go the other way too. Even though we were family we drew up a list of rules when we bought the fourplex to help eliminate any potential problems there might be in the future. We determined designated parking spots, how it would be handled if one family group didn't want to be involved any longer and how we would handle it when there was a decision made to sell it. We also had rules concerning if at any point it became a rental unit. We set up a bank account that dealt with mortgage payments and bills relating to the property only. And a separate file was kept for everything relating to our joint home. One person was designated to oversee things but family meetings were held regularly.
After joint ownership of twelve years, the fourplex was eventually sold as families began to want and need more space, and the equity was divided. Each of my children who were involved, had a sufficient amount for a down payment for their own home. And I went on to purchase another home with another son who was too young at the time to be involved. He now has the opportunity to get into the housing market as well.
Sharing, cooperating and working together was a win-win situation for everyone in our family. However, for most it will require tolerance, patience. humor and a common goal in order for it to work. But it can be fun and it is definitely doable.
1.Financially it helps all those involved as they pool their resources for overhead such as mortgage or rent, electricity, gas, cable, phone, internet and any other costs. By doing it this way, per family costs are greatly reduced.
2.Keeping the yard and house maintained is easier too because there are more people available to help.
3.When expenses are shared, each family can save more money for extra things, i.e.: cars, trips or a house of their own.
4.There are always babysitters available for the younger children.
5.There is not so much wastage as when cooking; there's always someone to eat the leftovers.
6.Cars, clothes and other things can be shared.
7.It helps family members each build up equity, if that's the way they've set it up but at the very least, to be able to save for a down payment.
Three of my children and myself did this although it wasn't one house we shared. Together we bought a fourplex and each family group had their own private space. But we all contributed equally to the mortgage and monetarily and physically to maintenance of the yard and the building. When painting and other things had to be done, we all pitched in. There was always someone available for babysitting; my daughter and I shared clothes, and we didn't have to go very far to celebrate Christmas, Easter , Thanksgiving and birthdays.
It helped to maintain the closeness we already shared although admittedly it could go the other way too. Even though we were family we drew up a list of rules when we bought the fourplex to help eliminate any potential problems there might be in the future. We determined designated parking spots, how it would be handled if one family group didn't want to be involved any longer and how we would handle it when there was a decision made to sell it. We also had rules concerning if at any point it became a rental unit. We set up a bank account that dealt with mortgage payments and bills relating to the property only. And a separate file was kept for everything relating to our joint home. One person was designated to oversee things but family meetings were held regularly.
After joint ownership of twelve years, the fourplex was eventually sold as families began to want and need more space, and the equity was divided. Each of my children who were involved, had a sufficient amount for a down payment for their own home. And I went on to purchase another home with another son who was too young at the time to be involved. He now has the opportunity to get into the housing market as well.
Sharing, cooperating and working together was a win-win situation for everyone in our family. However, for most it will require tolerance, patience. humor and a common goal in order for it to work. But it can be fun and it is definitely doable.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Resiliency and Your Child
Resiliency is the ability to be able to bounce back from adversity, the ability to cope and to remain hopeful and optimistic even during difficult times. Children who are able to do this can rise above even the most challenging of childhoods.
From studies, it has been determined that resilient children have learned their coping skills from at least one nurturing adult in their life. The common denominator with most resilient children is that they've had at least one caring and interested adult in their life who has been supportive and has offered continuity and consistency in their lives.
Resilient children have characteristics such as self-confidence, the ability to control their feelings and the ability to solve problems. They generally feel competent, have positive and realistic attitudes, are persevering, have an easy-going temperament and have social skills that are more likely to adapt to adversity.
As parents it is important to help children become resilient and to believe in themselves. It is necessary to accept them for who they are, to talk openly with them, and to ensure that the child knows he/she is loved and accepted. It is important also to role model and show that optimism can endure in the face of adversity; to be positive; to give a child a level to work to; to laugh with children even when things are not going well and to discuss with a child how he can deal with his problems.
Creative activities help children manage stress by helping them to relax. Enjoy nature, it's a great resilience builder. It's important that children realize stress is in everyone's life; it is part of our journey through life, and teach them also that challenges help to build character and self-esteem. Children should be encouraged to discuss their fears.
Children need to feel that they belong, they need to have some input into their lives and some control over their environment. And all children want to be noticed; to know they matter. They require flexibility in their lives and the opportunity to make wise decisions.
Those who lack resiliency can become easily depressed. They will behave and think in a self-defeating manner. They will lack self-esteem and self-confidence and they will be unable to handle adversity with any kind of success.
When you raise a child who is able to cope with adversity, you are giving that child the tools to be successful in life regardless of whatever challenges are thrown his or her way. He will learn to have a sense of purpose and will have the ability to work with self-confidence towards his/her goals.
From studies, it has been determined that resilient children have learned their coping skills from at least one nurturing adult in their life. The common denominator with most resilient children is that they've had at least one caring and interested adult in their life who has been supportive and has offered continuity and consistency in their lives.
Resilient children have characteristics such as self-confidence, the ability to control their feelings and the ability to solve problems. They generally feel competent, have positive and realistic attitudes, are persevering, have an easy-going temperament and have social skills that are more likely to adapt to adversity.
As parents it is important to help children become resilient and to believe in themselves. It is necessary to accept them for who they are, to talk openly with them, and to ensure that the child knows he/she is loved and accepted. It is important also to role model and show that optimism can endure in the face of adversity; to be positive; to give a child a level to work to; to laugh with children even when things are not going well and to discuss with a child how he can deal with his problems.
Creative activities help children manage stress by helping them to relax. Enjoy nature, it's a great resilience builder. It's important that children realize stress is in everyone's life; it is part of our journey through life, and teach them also that challenges help to build character and self-esteem. Children should be encouraged to discuss their fears.
Children need to feel that they belong, they need to have some input into their lives and some control over their environment. And all children want to be noticed; to know they matter. They require flexibility in their lives and the opportunity to make wise decisions.
Those who lack resiliency can become easily depressed. They will behave and think in a self-defeating manner. They will lack self-esteem and self-confidence and they will be unable to handle adversity with any kind of success.
When you raise a child who is able to cope with adversity, you are giving that child the tools to be successful in life regardless of whatever challenges are thrown his or her way. He will learn to have a sense of purpose and will have the ability to work with self-confidence towards his/her goals.
Valentine's Day - Should It Be Abolished?
Valentine's Day gives those, who otherwise may not remember the important someone in their life, the opportunity to do something special for them. In general most women enjoy Valentine's Day, the stores love it and men for the most part hate it. Below are some ideas on how everyone can enjoy Valentine's Day.
Most when asked will say that if you are single, Valentine's Day can feel like the loneliness day of the year. But perhaps expectations for this special day are too high. Expectations can be changed. Valentine's Day can be fun for everyone, depending on how you view it and your perceptions on what you think it means. It need not be only for couples but for children and families and anyone else you hold dear to your heart. No one need feel lonely on this day if they have family or close friends, even if they are single.
Make your Valentine's Day a day from your heart, not from your bank account; ignore the commercial extravaganza and make your own traditions for this day. Valentine's Day does not put value on you as a person. There is no shame in being single; many people choose to be and are very happy with their status. For those people Valentine's Day may be about other people – friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, your pet – it can be for anyone you care about.
If you have children, you can encourage them to be part of the fun. Help your children deliver valentines, bake cupcakes with them, and let them invite some friends over to watch a movie. Or have your own friends over for coffee and a Valentine's cake.
For couples in relationships, many say there are gray areas they don't know how to handle depending on the length of their relationship or the status of it. Some of these concerns are what kind of card to get, how much money to spend on a gift, or what may be appropriate. Perhaps before the big day arrives, it would be easier to make these decisions if each person knew exactly what the day means to the other. This would help to eliminate possible disappointments on Valentine's Day. It is also a good opportunity for communication.
Or you could make the decision together to treat your loved one as if it was Valentine's Day every day by making them feel as if they were a special friend by being complimentary, courteous, polite and thoughtful. And throw a large dose of affection in for good measure.
I personally would not like to see Valentine's Day abolished in spite of how commercial it has become. I believe most men and women in their busy lives would not remember to do anything romantic if there was not a day like Valentine's set aside for them.
Most when asked will say that if you are single, Valentine's Day can feel like the loneliness day of the year. But perhaps expectations for this special day are too high. Expectations can be changed. Valentine's Day can be fun for everyone, depending on how you view it and your perceptions on what you think it means. It need not be only for couples but for children and families and anyone else you hold dear to your heart. No one need feel lonely on this day if they have family or close friends, even if they are single.
Make your Valentine's Day a day from your heart, not from your bank account; ignore the commercial extravaganza and make your own traditions for this day. Valentine's Day does not put value on you as a person. There is no shame in being single; many people choose to be and are very happy with their status. For those people Valentine's Day may be about other people – friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, your pet – it can be for anyone you care about.
If you have children, you can encourage them to be part of the fun. Help your children deliver valentines, bake cupcakes with them, and let them invite some friends over to watch a movie. Or have your own friends over for coffee and a Valentine's cake.
For couples in relationships, many say there are gray areas they don't know how to handle depending on the length of their relationship or the status of it. Some of these concerns are what kind of card to get, how much money to spend on a gift, or what may be appropriate. Perhaps before the big day arrives, it would be easier to make these decisions if each person knew exactly what the day means to the other. This would help to eliminate possible disappointments on Valentine's Day. It is also a good opportunity for communication.
Or you could make the decision together to treat your loved one as if it was Valentine's Day every day by making them feel as if they were a special friend by being complimentary, courteous, polite and thoughtful. And throw a large dose of affection in for good measure.
I personally would not like to see Valentine's Day abolished in spite of how commercial it has become. I believe most men and women in their busy lives would not remember to do anything romantic if there was not a day like Valentine's set aside for them.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
How To Help Your Child Make a Family Tree
Children are usually very interested in learning about their family history. Making a family tree is the ideal way to help them do it. This is a fun project that can be done together with your child or grandchild.
1. Get a small binder or scrapbook and have child put a picture of himself/herself on the cover and let them decorate it accordingly. Also on the outside he/she can print 'My Family Tree'.
2. On the first page he/she can draw a large picture of a tree with as many branches as will be needed for all of the family members that will be added. He/she can then color the tree and add a few leaves.
3. Print the names of all the known family members on the branches beginning with child's name and any siblings he/she may have on the lowest branches. Then add the parents' names on the next branches. Above those branches will be added the parents of their mother and father (their grandparents) on each of the appropriate branches. Continue in this way with as many family names as are known, each on their appropriate branches of the tree.
4. On the following page print the name of the child and add information such as: full name, age, birth date, weight at birth, color of hair and eyes, current weight and height, what they are interested in, who their friends are, if they have a pet add the pet's name and any other information they would like to add about themselves to their page. Then attach a picture of the child to their own page.
5. Do the same on separate pages for each of the child's siblings with a picture of each brother and sister added also on each of their own pages.
6. On additional separate pages do the same for each of the parents, the grandparents and any other relatives that have been added to the family tree with as much information as can be obtained. The questions on these pages could include where they were born, where they went to school, if they have brothers or sisters, what type of things they enjoyed when they were children, did they live in the country or in the city, did they have far to go to school and any other questions that they would like to have in their family tree book about their relatives. Also, when possible attach appropriate pictures to each page for each family member.
This gives a child the opportunity to connect with his relatives and by getting to know them, to create a closer bond. It also gives the child a chance to communicate in an equal conversation with their older relatives. It will help to instill self-esteem and confidence in a child by allowing him to see his importance in the family unit.
1. Get a small binder or scrapbook and have child put a picture of himself/herself on the cover and let them decorate it accordingly. Also on the outside he/she can print 'My Family Tree'.
2. On the first page he/she can draw a large picture of a tree with as many branches as will be needed for all of the family members that will be added. He/she can then color the tree and add a few leaves.
3. Print the names of all the known family members on the branches beginning with child's name and any siblings he/she may have on the lowest branches. Then add the parents' names on the next branches. Above those branches will be added the parents of their mother and father (their grandparents) on each of the appropriate branches. Continue in this way with as many family names as are known, each on their appropriate branches of the tree.
4. On the following page print the name of the child and add information such as: full name, age, birth date, weight at birth, color of hair and eyes, current weight and height, what they are interested in, who their friends are, if they have a pet add the pet's name and any other information they would like to add about themselves to their page. Then attach a picture of the child to their own page.
5. Do the same on separate pages for each of the child's siblings with a picture of each brother and sister added also on each of their own pages.
6. On additional separate pages do the same for each of the parents, the grandparents and any other relatives that have been added to the family tree with as much information as can be obtained. The questions on these pages could include where they were born, where they went to school, if they have brothers or sisters, what type of things they enjoyed when they were children, did they live in the country or in the city, did they have far to go to school and any other questions that they would like to have in their family tree book about their relatives. Also, when possible attach appropriate pictures to each page for each family member.
This gives a child the opportunity to connect with his relatives and by getting to know them, to create a closer bond. It also gives the child a chance to communicate in an equal conversation with their older relatives. It will help to instill self-esteem and confidence in a child by allowing him to see his importance in the family unit.
What Are Your Values?
Values are strong beliefs of what is right, wrong or inappropriate and these values form the basis of our character. Do you know what your beliefs and principles are?
Most of our values are derived as influence from our family, friends, peers, school and the reading we have done. They are not only influenced by what we have seen but also by what we perceive ourselves to have seen and heard. Our personal behaviors are based on these values and principles and will determine the character we have.
These values and beliefs are based on such things as honesty. The act of being honest can be an active resistance to temptation. But for some, they may feel that it's okay to be lax in certain instances, i.e.: if they see someone drop some money and don't return it to them, their friend takes the blame for something they did, they get someone else to do their homework, they don't tell the truth, or they steal something that doesn't belong to them.
Integrity is another important value. Having integrity is when we're fair and upright and we don't bend the rules to suit ourselves or to get things our own way. It is moral behavior which establishes a moral character; it is knowing what is good and doing the good. Integrity is also having an ethical code of conduct, being trustworthy and scrupulous.
Other values have to do with how loyal we are to those who are close to us, can we be depended upon when we say we will do something, are we responsible for our actions, are we accountable for our behavior, are we ambitious or are we lazy, are we optimists or pessimists, do we have generosity of spirit or are we misers, do we show respect for others, do we think we are the only one who is ever right, do we show consideration for others, are we kind, are we able to feel empathy and compassion towards others, does anger flow from us like water from a sieve or are we generally even tempered with a good disposition?
Studies indicate that over the years people's value systems have changed. People used to be much more honest with even minor things. We considered our neighbors – now few of us even know our neighbors. In schools teachers used to worry about children chewing gum in class and running in the halls; now teachers have to concern themselves with students bringing guns to school and coming to classes drunk.
When we think about the values and beliefs we possess, do they indicate that we are of good character or do our values and principles need a major shake up? Can we say that we are passing on good values to our children? Have you thought about what your values are lately?
Most of our values are derived as influence from our family, friends, peers, school and the reading we have done. They are not only influenced by what we have seen but also by what we perceive ourselves to have seen and heard. Our personal behaviors are based on these values and principles and will determine the character we have.
These values and beliefs are based on such things as honesty. The act of being honest can be an active resistance to temptation. But for some, they may feel that it's okay to be lax in certain instances, i.e.: if they see someone drop some money and don't return it to them, their friend takes the blame for something they did, they get someone else to do their homework, they don't tell the truth, or they steal something that doesn't belong to them.
Integrity is another important value. Having integrity is when we're fair and upright and we don't bend the rules to suit ourselves or to get things our own way. It is moral behavior which establishes a moral character; it is knowing what is good and doing the good. Integrity is also having an ethical code of conduct, being trustworthy and scrupulous.
Other values have to do with how loyal we are to those who are close to us, can we be depended upon when we say we will do something, are we responsible for our actions, are we accountable for our behavior, are we ambitious or are we lazy, are we optimists or pessimists, do we have generosity of spirit or are we misers, do we show respect for others, do we think we are the only one who is ever right, do we show consideration for others, are we kind, are we able to feel empathy and compassion towards others, does anger flow from us like water from a sieve or are we generally even tempered with a good disposition?
Studies indicate that over the years people's value systems have changed. People used to be much more honest with even minor things. We considered our neighbors – now few of us even know our neighbors. In schools teachers used to worry about children chewing gum in class and running in the halls; now teachers have to concern themselves with students bringing guns to school and coming to classes drunk.
When we think about the values and beliefs we possess, do they indicate that we are of good character or do our values and principles need a major shake up? Can we say that we are passing on good values to our children? Have you thought about what your values are lately?
Friday, February 4, 2011
Parenting - The Power of Praise
Praise to children can feel like a soft kiss, a gentle hug or of being enveloped in love, if it is given in the proper way and at the correct time. Drowning a child in empty praise will cause even a small child to question your sincerity and the reasons why you feel you have to do it. Praise, when properly used, can prepare a child for a lifetime of success.
Praise by parents is often an emotional reaction to something a child has done well. It shows appreciation. If it is good loving attention and compliments, not the leaping through hoops kind of praise, children will feel good about themselves. According to some studies, it will build up their confidence and self-esteem and will motivate them towards further achievement. It is a gift for a job well done. My father was very good at this type of praise and I can still remember the feelings of being loved that it instilled in me.
As a parent I also tried to pass this type of praise on to my own children, and knowing how I felt, tried to give them the same feelings of love and sense of self-confidence. However, when praise is overdone, it becomes valueless and defeats the whole purpose of praise. By giving children the strength to recognize their strengths, they realize that they are in control of what they can accomplish.
It's also important to remember that the same praise will not work for every child because each child has their own strengths and talents and most importantly, their own unique personality.
Positive praise is based on specific behaviors that focus on accomplishments and encourages them to focus on what they have done well which will allow them to try again and to keep on trying. It is positive reinforcement and affirms their strengths and individual talents.
Based on studies, indications show that negative praise is voiced as an expectation, i.e.: you're the prettiest girl in your class, or you're the smartest boy in your class. Children will feel pressured with this type of praise. Praise should be about their good qualities but not as compared with other children. Also, negative comments made about a child, i.e.: he is so shy, she never tries to do anything new, he has so much trouble making new friends – if done within the hearing of the child, will almost always ensure that they live up to these opinions about themselves because they will think it is true. And praise should never have anything to do with their value as a person, i.e.: you did a good job this time, much better than last time. With praise like that a child may never want to try again in case the result is the same as last time.
If praise flows through a child offering him or her encouragement and love, the feelings of self-confidence and self-esteem can only grow, allowing them as they get older, the ability to internally validate themselves. Researchers feel that those who learn to internally validate themselves will grow up being able to know themselves when they have done a good job without the necessity of praise.
Praise by parents is often an emotional reaction to something a child has done well. It shows appreciation. If it is good loving attention and compliments, not the leaping through hoops kind of praise, children will feel good about themselves. According to some studies, it will build up their confidence and self-esteem and will motivate them towards further achievement. It is a gift for a job well done. My father was very good at this type of praise and I can still remember the feelings of being loved that it instilled in me.
As a parent I also tried to pass this type of praise on to my own children, and knowing how I felt, tried to give them the same feelings of love and sense of self-confidence. However, when praise is overdone, it becomes valueless and defeats the whole purpose of praise. By giving children the strength to recognize their strengths, they realize that they are in control of what they can accomplish.
It's also important to remember that the same praise will not work for every child because each child has their own strengths and talents and most importantly, their own unique personality.
Positive praise is based on specific behaviors that focus on accomplishments and encourages them to focus on what they have done well which will allow them to try again and to keep on trying. It is positive reinforcement and affirms their strengths and individual talents.
Based on studies, indications show that negative praise is voiced as an expectation, i.e.: you're the prettiest girl in your class, or you're the smartest boy in your class. Children will feel pressured with this type of praise. Praise should be about their good qualities but not as compared with other children. Also, negative comments made about a child, i.e.: he is so shy, she never tries to do anything new, he has so much trouble making new friends – if done within the hearing of the child, will almost always ensure that they live up to these opinions about themselves because they will think it is true. And praise should never have anything to do with their value as a person, i.e.: you did a good job this time, much better than last time. With praise like that a child may never want to try again in case the result is the same as last time.
If praise flows through a child offering him or her encouragement and love, the feelings of self-confidence and self-esteem can only grow, allowing them as they get older, the ability to internally validate themselves. Researchers feel that those who learn to internally validate themselves will grow up being able to know themselves when they have done a good job without the necessity of praise.
What Does Success Mean To You?
Before we can be successful, we have to determine what success means to us. Most of us have a vague idea but if we haven't got a clear concept, how can we work towards it?
In order to be successful in anything, we need to have a clear picture of what we want, determine what we have to do to get it, and make the decision to focus and work with diligence and perseverance towards that goal.
In business, success can be considered to be the positive impact we have on our targeted market. Or it can be based on how much money we make, how high up the corporate ladder we can climb, or what our standing is in the community. Some of us may consider our success in terms of how new our house or car is, how fancy and expensive our furniture is or what we can provide for our children in the way of material possessions. Others may view their success in terms of their positive impact on what they do for their co-workers, friends, neighborhood and family.
There are other ways of looking at success too. How successful have we been in parenting our children – are they growing up to be happy, well-adjusted and productive members of an adult society? Or we can look further at people such as Martin Luther King, a civil rights leaders who helped raise the awareness of racial inequalities; Abraham Lincoln who dedicated his life in attempting to abolish slavery; Florence Nightingale who spent her life serving others as a nurse, often in extremely adverse conditions; Albert Einstein, considered a humanitarian, he spoke out against nuclear weapons. He was also considered to be an undisputed genius. And last but not least, Mother Theresa, a Nobel Peace Prize winner who dedicated her life to serving the poor and destitute. Although most of them did not die rich, they can definitely be considered successes in their lives.
Why? Because they set out to do what they planned to do; they achieved their goals, fulfilled their potential and put one hundred percent into everything they did. And they left the world a better place.
Success can be achieved by any one of us. We can help those who need help, we can work toward raising children that will improve the world, and we can put others before ourselves whether in our careers or our personal lives. However, success may mean something completely different to you but whatever it means, it cannot be achieved without putting one hundred percent of your effort into it.
The following quote says it all:
'Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard at it.' Author Unknown
In order to be successful in anything, we need to have a clear picture of what we want, determine what we have to do to get it, and make the decision to focus and work with diligence and perseverance towards that goal.
In business, success can be considered to be the positive impact we have on our targeted market. Or it can be based on how much money we make, how high up the corporate ladder we can climb, or what our standing is in the community. Some of us may consider our success in terms of how new our house or car is, how fancy and expensive our furniture is or what we can provide for our children in the way of material possessions. Others may view their success in terms of their positive impact on what they do for their co-workers, friends, neighborhood and family.
There are other ways of looking at success too. How successful have we been in parenting our children – are they growing up to be happy, well-adjusted and productive members of an adult society? Or we can look further at people such as Martin Luther King, a civil rights leaders who helped raise the awareness of racial inequalities; Abraham Lincoln who dedicated his life in attempting to abolish slavery; Florence Nightingale who spent her life serving others as a nurse, often in extremely adverse conditions; Albert Einstein, considered a humanitarian, he spoke out against nuclear weapons. He was also considered to be an undisputed genius. And last but not least, Mother Theresa, a Nobel Peace Prize winner who dedicated her life to serving the poor and destitute. Although most of them did not die rich, they can definitely be considered successes in their lives.
Why? Because they set out to do what they planned to do; they achieved their goals, fulfilled their potential and put one hundred percent into everything they did. And they left the world a better place.
Success can be achieved by any one of us. We can help those who need help, we can work toward raising children that will improve the world, and we can put others before ourselves whether in our careers or our personal lives. However, success may mean something completely different to you but whatever it means, it cannot be achieved without putting one hundred percent of your effort into it.
The following quote says it all:
'Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard at it.' Author Unknown
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Mother-in-Laws - How to be a Mother-in-law to Your Daughter-in-Law
What can a mother-in-law do to have a positive relationship with her daughter-in-law? The following are some of the things we can do to enhance this important relationship and ensure that life does not become a battlefield.
- Don't interfere in your son and daughter-in-law's lives. This includes things such as: not dropping in unexpectedly, giving unasked for advice, overstepping the boundaries, or mentioning possible events to grandchildren without first confirming with their parents;
- Because most young families lead exceedingly busy lives, be aware of this and don't call when it is the children's bedtimes, their meal times or when you know they are rushing out the door to go to school, a soccer practice or music lessons;
- Be an involved fun grandparent but only as much as their parents want you to be. It will no doubt be appreciated also if you are available for occasional babysitting;
- If babysitting, try to follow the parents' rules and way of doing things. This may be more important with some families than with others. With one son and his family and with my daughter, they feel it's a grandparent's right to do things their way. But with two other sons and their families, they have very definite ways of doing things. In this case, it's particularly important to respect their wishes in order to avoid family conflicts;
- If offering help to your daughter-in-law, don't be offended or hurt if she asks her own mother or a friend instead. Each person has their own way of doing things and sometimes a daughter-in-law may not have the confidence to tell her mother-in-law that isn't how she wants something done;
- Be friendly and affectionate but don't expect that your daughter-in-law will have the same relationship with you that she has with her own mother; after all you are the mother-in-law, not the mother. To expect otherwise is only asking for heartache;
- However, do treat your daughter-in-law as lovingly as you do your son and grandchildren keeping in mind the boundaries each person establishes. All boundaries should be honored;
- Have open communication. Don't carry on conversations with your son and make your daughter-in-law feel left out. Be fair in all interactions with your daughter-in-law. Treat her as a daughter to ensure that she truly feels that she is part of the family;
- Be respectful of different opinions and attitudes – not all of us agree on everything and daughter-in-laws are no different;
- Be aware of what has not been said, and develop a thick skin, if necessary;
- Don't take it upon yourself to discipline your grandchildren when their parents are there to do it. If they don't, even if you think they should, they are their children and any discipline is their decision to make;
- Appreciate your daughter-in-law as the mother of your special grandchildren. She is also another daughter to love;
- Don't criticize your daughter-in-law to your son – most sons will side with their wives. After all, they have to live with them. This happened to my mother and she was alienated from the family of her son and daughter-in-law for two years. It is only natural that when your son marries, his wife and children become his first priority. As a mother/mother-in-law, you take a backseat. However, you won't be stuck in the backseat by yourself if you can have a good relationship with your daughter-in-law;
- Retain your sense of humor and keep your hurt feelings locked in the bathroom with you;
- Take an interest in your daughter-in-law and be complimentary;
- Don't be self-centered and talk only about your own interests, health, etc. And definitely, if you're having a grumpy day, do not go to the home of your son and daughter-in-law, stay home and grumble to your best friend, if necessary.
The most crucial thing to remember with a daughter-in-law relationship is respect. Although, like everything else, it does take two to make anything work properly. One, no matter how hard they try, is not going to be able to do it if the other is determined that the relationship will not work. I am, therefore, fortunate to have been blessed with excellent daughter-in-laws.
- Don't interfere in your son and daughter-in-law's lives. This includes things such as: not dropping in unexpectedly, giving unasked for advice, overstepping the boundaries, or mentioning possible events to grandchildren without first confirming with their parents;
- Because most young families lead exceedingly busy lives, be aware of this and don't call when it is the children's bedtimes, their meal times or when you know they are rushing out the door to go to school, a soccer practice or music lessons;
- Be an involved fun grandparent but only as much as their parents want you to be. It will no doubt be appreciated also if you are available for occasional babysitting;
- If babysitting, try to follow the parents' rules and way of doing things. This may be more important with some families than with others. With one son and his family and with my daughter, they feel it's a grandparent's right to do things their way. But with two other sons and their families, they have very definite ways of doing things. In this case, it's particularly important to respect their wishes in order to avoid family conflicts;
- If offering help to your daughter-in-law, don't be offended or hurt if she asks her own mother or a friend instead. Each person has their own way of doing things and sometimes a daughter-in-law may not have the confidence to tell her mother-in-law that isn't how she wants something done;
- Be friendly and affectionate but don't expect that your daughter-in-law will have the same relationship with you that she has with her own mother; after all you are the mother-in-law, not the mother. To expect otherwise is only asking for heartache;
- However, do treat your daughter-in-law as lovingly as you do your son and grandchildren keeping in mind the boundaries each person establishes. All boundaries should be honored;
- Have open communication. Don't carry on conversations with your son and make your daughter-in-law feel left out. Be fair in all interactions with your daughter-in-law. Treat her as a daughter to ensure that she truly feels that she is part of the family;
- Be respectful of different opinions and attitudes – not all of us agree on everything and daughter-in-laws are no different;
- Be aware of what has not been said, and develop a thick skin, if necessary;
- Don't take it upon yourself to discipline your grandchildren when their parents are there to do it. If they don't, even if you think they should, they are their children and any discipline is their decision to make;
- Appreciate your daughter-in-law as the mother of your special grandchildren. She is also another daughter to love;
- Don't criticize your daughter-in-law to your son – most sons will side with their wives. After all, they have to live with them. This happened to my mother and she was alienated from the family of her son and daughter-in-law for two years. It is only natural that when your son marries, his wife and children become his first priority. As a mother/mother-in-law, you take a backseat. However, you won't be stuck in the backseat by yourself if you can have a good relationship with your daughter-in-law;
- Retain your sense of humor and keep your hurt feelings locked in the bathroom with you;
- Take an interest in your daughter-in-law and be complimentary;
- Don't be self-centered and talk only about your own interests, health, etc. And definitely, if you're having a grumpy day, do not go to the home of your son and daughter-in-law, stay home and grumble to your best friend, if necessary.
The most crucial thing to remember with a daughter-in-law relationship is respect. Although, like everything else, it does take two to make anything work properly. One, no matter how hard they try, is not going to be able to do it if the other is determined that the relationship will not work. I am, therefore, fortunate to have been blessed with excellent daughter-in-laws.
Daughter-in-Laws - How to Help Your Mother-in-Law Be the Best She Can Be
How can a daughter-in-law make a mother-in-law great? One way is that she can be a great daughter-in-law too. The following are some of the ways she can do this:
- If a daughter-in-law treats her mother-in-law with respect, in all likelihood the mother-in-law will reciprocate;
- When there has been a misunderstanding, work together to make an effort to come to an agreement, without anger;
- Accept the fact that you may make some mistakes too;
- Be willing to admit when you have been at fault and apologize;
- If there is a big issue, let your husband discuss it with his mother so you can avoid becoming involved in an argument;
- Make an effort to be somewhat interested in your mother-in-law's life;
- Include your mother-in-law in your lives, when possible, especially with invitations to children's school plays, sports days, and special holidays, etc.;
- Be friendly, considerate and upfront;
- Don't harbor grudges – they accomplish nothing except hurt the relationship;
- Remain calm, non-critical and try to be polite at all times;
- Don't be super sensitive or take things personally;
- Make an effort to understand the perspective of each other;
- Remember birthdays and give pictures of your children to their grandmother;
Appreciate the fact that your mother-in-law is the woman who raised the man you love so she can't be all that bad;
- Treat your mother-in-law with the same consideration that you would your own mother;
- Have a positive attitude and don't set unrealistic expectations. Few people can live up to high expectations;
- Be sensitive to your mother-in-law's feelings;
- Make an effort to communicate your feelings;
- Try to get to know each other because you often don't like someone until you get to know them. In some cases the daughter-in-law may feel threatened by the mother-in-law but probably after getting to know her, you may realize there is no reason to feel that way – your mother-in-law may not be that much different than your own mother;
- And remember that you may one day be a mother-in-law with the hope that you have a great daughter-in-law too.
Any relationship is a two-way street and this is especially true in the fact that this one has the potential for so much conflict. If both sides make a genuine effort to have a cohesive relationship, it benefits not only the daughter-in-law but also the mother-in-law and the children. And children are very quick to pick up on any discord within a family.
In my own situation, I have three daughter-in-laws and we enjoy our relationships to the extent that they invite me to New Year's Eve with their friends, for evenings of playing Wii with them and their children, invitations to go hiking and picnics, days at the beach, picking blueberries or spending a day at the park. One daughter-in-law recently offered to drive 2 ½ hours each way with me while I dropped another son, (her brother-in-law) at the airport, so I wouldn't have to drive back by myself. And as a bonus, my sons and my daughter-in-laws invite me to go on vacation with them. I am truly blessed.
- If a daughter-in-law treats her mother-in-law with respect, in all likelihood the mother-in-law will reciprocate;
- When there has been a misunderstanding, work together to make an effort to come to an agreement, without anger;
- Accept the fact that you may make some mistakes too;
- Be willing to admit when you have been at fault and apologize;
- If there is a big issue, let your husband discuss it with his mother so you can avoid becoming involved in an argument;
- Make an effort to be somewhat interested in your mother-in-law's life;
- Include your mother-in-law in your lives, when possible, especially with invitations to children's school plays, sports days, and special holidays, etc.;
- Be friendly, considerate and upfront;
- Don't harbor grudges – they accomplish nothing except hurt the relationship;
- Remain calm, non-critical and try to be polite at all times;
- Don't be super sensitive or take things personally;
- Make an effort to understand the perspective of each other;
- Remember birthdays and give pictures of your children to their grandmother;
Appreciate the fact that your mother-in-law is the woman who raised the man you love so she can't be all that bad;
- Treat your mother-in-law with the same consideration that you would your own mother;
- Have a positive attitude and don't set unrealistic expectations. Few people can live up to high expectations;
- Be sensitive to your mother-in-law's feelings;
- Make an effort to communicate your feelings;
- Try to get to know each other because you often don't like someone until you get to know them. In some cases the daughter-in-law may feel threatened by the mother-in-law but probably after getting to know her, you may realize there is no reason to feel that way – your mother-in-law may not be that much different than your own mother;
- And remember that you may one day be a mother-in-law with the hope that you have a great daughter-in-law too.
Any relationship is a two-way street and this is especially true in the fact that this one has the potential for so much conflict. If both sides make a genuine effort to have a cohesive relationship, it benefits not only the daughter-in-law but also the mother-in-law and the children. And children are very quick to pick up on any discord within a family.
In my own situation, I have three daughter-in-laws and we enjoy our relationships to the extent that they invite me to New Year's Eve with their friends, for evenings of playing Wii with them and their children, invitations to go hiking and picnics, days at the beach, picking blueberries or spending a day at the park. One daughter-in-law recently offered to drive 2 ½ hours each way with me while I dropped another son, (her brother-in-law) at the airport, so I wouldn't have to drive back by myself. And as a bonus, my sons and my daughter-in-laws invite me to go on vacation with them. I am truly blessed.
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