How to Cope With Grief

Grief is a reaction to loss, an emotional response. There are many different forms of grief. Some responses may even include laughter and celebration as well as sadness.

Crying and talking abut a loss are healthy responses. However, lack of crying does not indicate there is no grief. It can indicate resilience where a relatively stable demeanor is maintained with healthy level of positive emotions. This does not indicate that this person feels their loss any less, only that they have a different method of coping.

When grief responses have been more in evidence, possibly following a temporary period of depression, in most cases recovery will gradually return to previous levels. Chronic dysfunction is a prolonged inability to function and sometimes delayed grief symptoms can appear months after an apparently normal adjustment to a loss.

The five stages of grief as described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But each person will respond differently to grief depending upon the situation. Some may not experience the five stages and may only feel initial denial and perhaps extreme fatigue until there is acceptance. There may also be feelings of injustice and anger that life around you continues to go on when you have suffered such a devastating loss.

What can be done to help cope with feelings of the loss of a loved one? The following are some ideas:

- spend time with caring people;
- express your feelings;
- accept that there will be changes;
- take care of your health;
- return to previous interests;
- postpone making any major life changes, possibly waiting a year or so;
- if necessary contact a community organization for help;
- acknowledge the pain of your loss, don't shove it to the back of your mind and ignore its existence;
- let yourself cry;
- talk about the loss of your loved one even if you get emotional;
- exercise – physical activity is a good way to release tension;
- have a hot bath, read a good book, eat your favorite foods, get a massage, have a nap or go to a movie with a friend;
- do something to honor the memory of your loved one – perhaps plant a tree in his or her honor or place a bench in their favorite area;
- join a support group;
- avoid excessive alcohol – it can be a depressant;
- don't blame yourself for things you think you should have done or said and didn't.

Depression is often part of the grieving process. However lingering depression is not considered normal. If it continues or affects daily life, consult your doctor because untreated depression can lead to other serious psychological disorders.

I have lost both of my parents. My father died when he was still relatively young. He was not ready to go and I was not ready to let him go. I found his loss very difficult to deal with. As such I was in denial for a very long time. I was unable to talk about him without crying so I didn't, shoving it to the back of my mind instead. It was a mistake because acceptance was a long time coming. Besides having four small children, the youngest two months old when he died, I also didn't have the maturity to cope with his loss.

My mother died recently at ninety years of age. She wanted to go, she had been unhappy with her poor health and her inability to do things for herself. And although I feel her loss very strongly and am unhappy that I no longer have my mother, I am happy for her because she no longer has to suffer. She has gone to join my father where she wants to be. I now have better coping skills than I had in my early twenties so I can accept her loss more easily than I could when I was less mature. And my mother had lived a good, full life.

But we are all different. We will look at things differently and have different perspectives depending on where we are in our own life cycle. In some cases losing a parent when we ourselves are getting older may force us to look at our own mortality. Or we can accept the fact that this is the cycle of life and nothing is going to change it.

What to Do as an Executor of a Will

When a loved one dies and you have been named Executor of the Will, there are many things to be considered. Duties of an Executor generally take about one year for a straight forward estate but if assets turn up even years later, the Executor is still responsible.

The following are some of the things you will need to know if you are an Executor of a Will:

- Is a handwritten Will valid?
Some provinces in Canada allow a handwritten Will even if it has not been witnessed.
- What is a Probate?
A Probate is a legal court procedure to determine the Will's validity and to confirm an Executor's appointment as well as assess assets of an estate.
- Do all Wills have to be probated?
Probate will depend on the amount and nature of the assets, the number and nature of beneficiaries and the agencies or financial institutions that hold the assets. An asset that doesn't have to go through probate is land owned in joint tenancy with another person. (If this is the case an application will have to be filed in Land Titles along with a death certificate). Probate isn't required for joint bank accounts or vehicles owned jointly either. A death certificate is required however to transfer ownership to the surviving joint owner. Also RRSP's or insurance policies with a named beneficiary don't require probate. However, usually stocks and bonds will need to go through probate.
- Are there Probate fees?
An example of probate fees are: an estate valued at under $10,000.00 will cost about $25.00; for an estate over $25,000.00 but not more than $125,000.00, the cost will be about $200.00.
- What are death benefits?
It is money due beneficiaries from such plans as in Canada the federal Canada Pension Plan or Old Age Security, private company pension plans, unions and organizations such as the Masons. There may be more plans where there could be death benefits and it would be the Executor's responsibility to find them.
- What about the deceased person's income tax?
All income tax requirements must be filed and paid before disbursements of assets can be made.

The following are some of the duties of an Executor:

- to make funeral arrangements;
- cancel all charge cards, notify banks and contact all pension plans;
- to gather up and prepare a detailed inventory of all assets, i.e.: cash, securities, jewelery, real estate and contents of a safety deposit box;
- to determine debts owed and pay them;
- prepare and submit any necessary probate documents to the court;
- contact all beneficiaries then distribute assets between them after debts and probate costs have been dealt with. It will be necessary to obtain releases from each beneficiary.

Being an Executor to a Will is a responsibility that cannot be taken lightly. Those chosen to act in the capacity of Executor must be honest, impartial and scrupulous. And the deceased person probably chose you knowing that you could look after their interests on their behalf.

Writing a Eulogy for Your Loved One

Speaking about a loved one at a funeral or a Celebration of Life is one of the most difficult things many of us will face. Our emotions are already shredded with the loss of someone close to us to the point where we can hardly think. How can we write a Eulogy too?

I recently wrote a eulogy when my mother died although I initially had no idea where to begin. The best thing to do is speak from your heart. Eulogies are about the memories of that person and your shared personal experiences. It is an opportunity to reminisce and say why this special person was well-loved and will be missed by you and others.

A eulogy can be serious but including some humorous anecdotes will lighten an otherwise solemn occasion. It is okay if those gathered smile, or if they cry and it's natural if you do too. No one will hold it against you.

The following are some ideas to help you write a eulogy for your loved one:

- develop a theme, perhaps talk about one aspect of your loved one's life, i.e.: the good times you shared;
- mention a particular situation;
- mention something that he or she was passionate about;
- try to make it inspiring, praise him/her;
- include quotes and memories from his/her closest friends and relatives;
- mention memorable events and share a story;
- say why you will miss him/her and what you will never forget;
- suitable quotations, poems or bible readings can be included;
- mention how he/she affected others;
- talk about his/her interests and achievements;
- write your eulogy in chronological order.

Paint a picture of words of your loved one so that those present will feel his or her presence. At the reception following the service a friend of mine said she could almost feel my mother's presence. I told her she probably was there and reminded her that even at ninety my mother hated to miss a party.

At the end of your eulogy try to end it with something thoughtful and heartfelt. I ended my eulogy with, 'Thank you to all of you who had been her friend. She was my mother but she had also been my friend and I will miss her too.' A friend added at the end of her eulogy, 'An old Indian legend says that 'no one ever dies as long as one person is left to speak his/her name.' You will continue to live through your family and friends.'

And a quote from Dr. Seuss, 'Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.'

Funeral Services and Celebrations of Life

There are many ways of having a service following the loss of a loved one. They can be small Celebrations of Life held in a family member's home, a quiet memorial or a more formal funeral service held in a chapel.

The Celebrations of Life and the quiet memorials usually follow a cremation. When there is an interment, there is usually more formality. Fifteen years before my mother passed, she had made arrangements, including what she wanted written on her tombstone, and including paying for a large portion of her service. This made the decisions that I had to make, as her Executor, much easier. She had even decided on the funeral home where she wanted her service held.

By going the route we did, they took care of everything with the only decision to be made was relating to the food at the reception following and procuring and meeting with a Pastor for the service. He did a wonderful job of making what could have been a very solemn and mournful occasion into one we know our mother would have wanted. He allowed us to have songs from the Sound of Music movie played instead of the usual music that usually completely undoes most people.

For some, this may be a difficult area depending on the religious level of the family but particularly on the religious or non-religious beliefs of the deceased. We are a spiritual family but not regular church-goers so we asked for a service that was not heavy on religion. The Pastor struck a wonderful happy medium. His meditation was A Life Worth Remembering, Proverbs 31:10-31 and the two hymns were I Come to the Garden Alone and Amazing Grace as well as my mother's favorite music. And a couple of Eulogies were given to honor her followed by a reception and a graveside service attended by the family.

This type of service was my mother's choice but for many it will not be an option. There is a huge cost both emotionally and financially in going this route. A quiet memorial held in someone's home is gaining in popularity following a cremation. There is often some speeches and a lot of reminiscing about the departed person. The cost is not exorbitant and emotional strings are not being pulled when decisions are required to be made and guilt placed on the family members to have a nice service for their lost loved one. Fortunately this was not the case with my mother but in most cases, this is not so.

A Celebration of Life is not for mourning a death, it is to happily remember that person. It is a good opportunity to make suggestions of how to keep the memory of your loved one alive. In our family, we have decided that every year we will continue to have a birthday celebration on our mother's birthday. Each year her birthday celebration was a day she eagerly looked forward to more than any other day of the year. We will continue to honor this for her.

Although most of the decisions had been made by our mother, the ones we had to make were made with the knowledge of what we knew she would have wished. It was the last thing we could do for our mother as we said goodbye to her for the last time.

The Loss of a Parent is One of Life's Great Tragedies

The loss of a parent is traumatic. It is the end of a large segment of ones life. It means that the one person we can count on to love us without judgment or reservation is no longer there.

Losing a parent is a blow to the psyche. There is no longer a parent to go home to especially if we have lost both of our parents. There is no one to ask, 'What was I like when I was six years old? Does my son/daughter look like me at this age? What were you like when you were my age?” There are so many questions to ask and no one to answer them. And when we lose both parents,the generation that came before us is no longer living and we become the oldest. We are then expected to be wise and to make good decisions. We are forced then to contemplate our own mortality.

When our parents die, it is inevitable that there will be devastation. This bond, which is one of the strongest there is, has been severed by death. They are gone forever and there is no return. No matter our age, even if we're older when we lose our parent/parents, our grief will not be diminished by our age. I know this to be true because I have recently lost my mother.

Losing a loved one can take an emotional as well as a physical toll. It will be important to lighten your workload, get a lot of rest, eat adequately and take care of yourself. As I sat by the bedside of my mother in her final days, and following her loss, I felt completely drained. As her executor, I handled all the necessary details. But because I have always had an abundance of energy, I was surprised at my extreme feelings of exhaustion during all of this. I realized following the loss of my mother that I was not only losing my parent but my friend and adviser as well.

When we lose a parent, we may feel shock, anger, guilt or denial. When I lost my father many years ago, he was a relatively young man so I had feelings of anger because I felt it was unfair that he would die when he still had so much to live for. I felt guilt because I didn't feel that I had told him that I loved him often enough. And after he died I felt denial and was unable to talk about my loss for years without crying. Acceptance was difficult to achieve for a very long time where my father was concerned.

When my mother died two weeks ago, she was almost ninety-one years old. She had many years to do the things she wanted to do and she was ready to go. Because of that I felt no anger, nor guilt. I'd had many years to show her how I felt about her. I did however feel shock at the sudden failure of her health but at this age it should not have been completely unexpected.

I realize now when I think about how I have handled the loss of each of my parents that coping with grief depends somewhat on your personality, your coping abilities, life experiences and, I believe, particularly on your maturity.

But tears do not mean you are not handling your loss well. As the Pastor who looked after my mother's service said as I tried to control my tears, 'There is nothing wrong with crying. Tears help to wash the grief away.' And with that will come acceptance.

Losing a Parent

Even when we expect the inevitable with an aged parent, the shock is no less. Even when we think we have asked all the questions we would need to know to carry on and continue our family heritage, we haven't. Two weeks ago I lost my mother. She was ready to go but it doesn't make it hurt less. A few weeks ago she said that she thought He must have forgotten her name because he had not called her home. She said, 'I'm ready to go."

I was very saddened by her wish to leave her family. My brother disagreed with me. He said, had she been in her 50's, 60's or even 70's, he would have agreed but at almost ninety-one years of age, she had lived a good life and she had the right to go if she chose. Put that way, I guess I have to agree too. Everything was difficult for her - even going to the bathroom was an ordeal as was getting ready for bed. She kept saying she was 'so tired' and yet it was us who continued to cling.

Having been told that she had gone into kidney failure, with no prior warning, she lasted five days. Her family kept a constant vigil by her bedside and there were often four generations clustered around her bed. At times she made an effort to communicate, at other times she seemed content to know we were all there. In those final days she must have been aware of the love surrounding her. My eight year old grandson lay his hand on hers and told her he would miss her. Those were the last words he spoke to her. My two year old granddaughter, who is named after her great grandmother, said, 'I love you Granny' and she summoned the strength to pass words of love on to the child.

She has gone home to be with my father and they are probably sitting again with their chairs parked beside each other, holding hands as they did so often in life.