Coping Strategies - How They Can Work For Us

With the busy lifestyles that most of us have, it is common to experience everyday stress in our lives. It is important, therefore, to have good coping skills and strategies which will be helpful in making the challenges in our life easier. It will be important also to determine what causes us the most stress and what coping strategies would work best for us.

If we make an effort to begin each day by avoiding as many potential problems as we can, it will help to eliminate the stress we may have. This can be done by planning ahead. If we get up a little earlier each morning than is absolutely necessary, we will have time for a relaxed breakfast, to get ready for our day and to do any preparations that are required without having the worry of being late. Having to rush first thing in the morning is never a good way to begin a day. And often a day started in this way will continue along the same path. It is often on those days that we will miss our bus, forget our purse, or our lunch, and the coffee maker won’t work. If we are running late, we’re also not making allowances for any unforeseen eventualities that may happen such as a traffic jam or an unexpected snowfall. I also find that waking up to music is a much better beginning to a day than to the jarring noise of an alarm clock.

Other problems may be that there are more bills than money coming in, too many things to do and not enough time, or overwhelming feelings of career and family responsibilities. For these it will be important to attempt to find solutions that will work in order to resolve these problems.

If potential problems have been avoided as best as possible, and we have attempted to resolve problems with possible solutions, our stress level can be alleviated somewhat. But when we have stress in spite of our efforts, how do we cope with it?

Whether we have a negative or a positive outlook could make a difference on the amount of stress we are experiencing. Are we blaming or are we taking control? Perhaps changing our reaction to the situation may help. Are we setting reasonable standards for ourselves or do we expect too much from ourselves or from a situation?

Good stress relievers are discussing problems with a close trusted friend, attempting to see the humor in a situation, going for a walk, having an exercise work-out plan, enjoying the soothing benefits of nature, having fun, or spending time with a friend.

The ability to be calm, even in difficult situations, will usually help us see things more clearly. And it will help most people around us to be calm too. When we are around someone who always seems to be stressed, it is difficult not to feel edgy as well. To help ourselves live more stress-free lives, it is also beneficial to surround ourselves with people who are calm and have control over their lives.

A Child's Christmas Wish

His eyes large, his blonde hair shimmering under the photographer's bright lamp, he smiled shyly at Santa. At two and a half years old, he looked tiny on the white-bearded man's lap.

"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" the large man asked.

"A choo-choo train and rocks and sticks," he whispered.

"Uh, yes, a choo-choo train." Santa rubbed his gloved hand thoughtfully on his cheek. "Rocks and sticks also, heh?" Santa's face wore a puzzled expression.

The small child nodded his head emphatically, "Yes, rocks and sticks."

"Well, I'm sure that can be arranged," Santa smiled as he handed him a candy cane and colouring book and lifted him down from his lap.

For the next few weeks the child talked of little else except the rocks and sticks he was going to get from Santa for Christmas. His excitement seemed to know no bounds. But did he really want rocks and sticks?

Right up until Christmas Eve, his parents weren't sure how to handle this delicate situation. Finally by late that evening they had made their decision.

Early Christmas morning, they gave him the brightly wrapped box of rocks and sticks. As he tore off the colourful paper and opened the box, he beamed. "Rocks and sticks!" Inspecting each specimen carefully, his parents encouraged him to open his other gifts. Reluctantly, he put his precious gift aside and opened the box holding his 'choo-choo' train.

For the rest of Christmas Day he interspersed his playtime between the train and the rocks and sticks. "Why don't you open your other gifts?" his parents asked.

"No," he announced as he happily continued to play with these two precious gifts.

This little boy is my grandson. Thinking about his joy at receiving rocks and sticks, I realize that as adults we place too much value on gifts. We do not need to buy a child expensive toys and they don't need to have a lot of gifts under the tree. When I thought further about his uncontained happiness with his box of rocks and sticks, I realized that children have a better understanding of the meaning of Christmas than we do as adults. Happiness comes from within; it is being pleased with simple things and not looking for expensive gifts. They were what he had asked for; he needed no other gifts.

Goal Setting - The Road To Dreams

By setting short term or long term goals, we help to propel our lives along future paths. Goal setting, and the ability to follow through, is required in order to be able to accomplish our lifetime dreams. They help motivate us and assist in turning our thoughts into realities.

But first we have to establish where we want to go and have a definite time frame regarding when we want to accomplish them. From there we will have to determine what steps we will need to make to get us to our potential dreams.

An example of this is if we decide we want to be a teacher; we know it will take us four years to get our Bachelor’s Degree. If we wish to get our Degree more quickly we may have to attempt to take more than the recommended courses each semester. We might also enroll in a summer semester as well. The Teacher’s Practicum Program differs in length depending on which university we are enrolled in so this may determine where we go. This potential dream can be broken down into short-term goals by determining which classes to take by a certain date with the long-term completion being done within a definite time period.

If instead our long-term goal may be to own a home in a particular neighborhood by the time we are forty; if we are only twenty-five we would have to determine what our short-term goals will be in order to achieve this dream. What position we are in when we first establish this as a future dream will determine what necessary steps will need to be taken to accomplish our reality. If for example we have neither education, job or a starter home, the task will be a little more daunting. It may be at that time necessary to make the decision of whether the goal is realistic. But it need not be considered an unrealistic goal if the time frame is of a sufficient length. A job would be the first step towards achieving the final accomplishment; secondly it will be necessary to begin a savings program for the down payment of a starter home, perhaps a condo, and then to gradually build from there.

Long-term goals can be determined for ten, twenty or thirty years in the future. Whatever the length of time determined for accomplishment of the goal, it is always important to have at least one dream because without a dream, life will have no zest for us. A goal can be based on a career, education, our financial situation or a personal dream such as being married or having children by a certain age.

Once the ultimate dream has been determined, stepping stones to accomplishing the goal can be broken down into achievable segments. During this process daily, monthly and yearly lists become useful tools, reminders and motivators.

But it is important to remember to stay focused when we have goals and to never let our dreams die.

The Importance of Time Management In Our Lives

In our busy lives, time management skills have become necessarily important but there are many who don’t know how to manage their time. There is an oft repeated saying, ‘If you want to make sure that something gets done, give it to someone who is busy.’ There is a reason for this belief.

Those who are busy realize the importance of making every moment count so they can accomplish all they want to do in a day. Those who are not busy feel they have all the time in the world to get done the few things they are required to do so will often waste their time and as a result become procrastinators, accomplishing nothing and wondering where their day went. They believe that there will be a lot of time to do it tomorrow so there is no need to hurry with things today.

For those who tend to be procrastinators, it will be necessary for them to set goals, to organize, to prioritize, to schedule and to make plans based on what needs to be done. It will be necessary to prioritize each task and to determine what time they have available for each particular job. To help them do this, they can make use of calendars, daytimers, appointment books or lists.

I am a strong advocate of lists and make use of daily, monthly and yearly ones. My mother always accused me of spending more time making my lists up than accomplishing the tasks on them. This is a common excuse used by non-list makers for not using lists. However, I do get many more things accomplished each day than my non-list maker friends and acquaintances do.

Those who criticize list-makers claim that we don’t get everything done on our lists; that we often just put things over to the next day – especially if we don’t really want to do them. But if it had never been put on the list in the first place, it wouldn’t have gotten done any faster if we hadn’t wanted to do it in the first place.

Although I believe strongly in the advantages of lists, I would suggest that they be not too vague. For example, instead of putting ‘do family room’, as I once did on my yearly ‘to do list’, I broke it down into separate segments of paint, replace carpeting and replace window coverings, each item would have been off the list much more quickly than the total ‘do family room’ item.

When a completed task is crossed off the list, there is always a great sense of
satisfaction. There would be no such feeling of complete accomplishment if there was no such list. With a list, you can see at a glance what has been done, what still has to be done and where little jobs can be fit into smaller segments of time and bigger jobs done when more time is available.

Practicing time management will allow most of us with busy schedules to have more time to do those things which we really enjoy doing.

Resiliency - We Can All Have It

The dictionary meaning for resiliency is the ability to recover quickly from illness, change or misfortune. It is a buoyancy; an ability to get over disappointments and discouragements. It is about being flexible and having strength of character. If we have these traits, they can help us along our path through life.

Resiliency assists us in coping with potential problems. If we have the ability to cope, we can turn problems into opportunities; we can wake up with enthusiasm instead of becoming discouraged when things don’t seem to be going well. We can pursue possibilities brought about with changes. It will give us the strength to change what needs changing and to accept what can’t be changed. When we do this, we grow in character. We will feel stronger and each successful adaptation to change will help us grow.

As we become stronger and more confident and as our resiliency increases, we can learn to practice patience, tolerance and determination. These traits will also give us the ability to be able to bounce back from adversity and misfortune.

To build resiliency in a child, it is important for the child to have a close and supportive relationship with at least one adult who is a significant part of their life. If there is more than one such adult, it will be even better for the child.

When helping the child to become an adult who will be able to cope with adversity, it will be important to create realistic goals and ideals for him/her. Also, by letting him/her know that you are aware they are capable of achieving these goals will instill confidence in him/her. It will be important also to set boundaries relating to their behaviour and to establish firm rules.

When I was raising my children I didn’t have a lot of rules but those that I did have were very firm. One of my sons, when he was about eleven years old, told me that he was glad I had rules because then he knew that I loved them. He said some of his friends didn’t have any rules. I was rather surprised; I had assumed up until that time that most children hated rules. I’m not saying that my children didn’t argue with my rules but it seems they really were okay with them. I believe it gave them a sense of security; they knew they were being looked after.

When children learn coping techniques, decision making skills and how to set goals, they will be well on the road towards being resilient adults. Learning these skills as a child is much preferable than trying to develop them after we become adults. Many of us do learn to cope with disappointments and misfortunes, becoming resilient in the process but many never do learn.

Helping our children become resilient is one of the most important things we can do for them. And being adept at coping when we are adults will make our journey through life much easier. If we are strong and are able to cope when life occasionally throws boulders in our path, we will always feel that all things are possible. We will never throw up our hands and say, ‘I can’t do it’, because we'll know we can.

Happiness is Living Life to its Fullest

Do you get up in the morning and look at a world in black and white or do you see it in technicolour? What determines how we look at our surroundings? Do we feel happy to be alive; glad to face another day? Or is it just one more day to somehow get through?

When we live in technicolour, the sun is shining – even if it’s raining – because we know that rain doesn’t last forever and the sun is bound to be shining somewhere. And when you walk down the street with a smile on your face, have you ever noticed how many people smile back at you? That if you say ‘hello, how are you today?’ to the person sitting next to you on the bus, they are usually only too happy for a friendly conversation.

However, this does open up the door to all sorts of conversations, both good and bad. I once smiled and said hello to a man who I later found out was just out of jail for attempted murder. But I also talked occasionally to a man on my bus that, with his wife, had exchange students from around the world and we had some very interesting conversations. A lady I met occasionally at the bus stop worked in a bank and while talking to her I was surprised to find out how often banks are held up. I have talked to people on chance meetings by only smiling and saying hello and have been told interesting stories of their lives. One elderly lady, when I asked about her accent, told me she had lived as a girl in Siberia and later in Iran before coming to Canada.

How much we would miss in life if we didn’t open ourselves up to others. Talking to those we meet in chance meetings and letting them tell their stories, may put a smile on their faces, but I think almost certainly on ours as well.

Never do I come home without a story to tell of either something I have heard or seen in my adventures of the day. Living life in technicolour makes getting up each morning interesting; we never know what will happen, what new conversations we will have, or how many new people we will meet.

We all have the choice of whether to live in a black and white world or not but life holds so many opportunities and excitement for those who choose to live their life in technicolour.

Relationship Decisions - How To Make Them

Many decisions within a relation are difficult to make; one particularly would be the question of whether to stay or to leave a relationship.

It is important to rationally make a decision rather than to make one in anger or without thinking through the consequences of your actions. The following are some ideas on how to do it.

- Begin with a pro and con list of the relationship.
- Based on the list, determine what the main problem or problems are.
- Determine what the causes of the problems are.
- Decide what the possible solutions could be to the problem.
- Make a pro and con list on each potential solution to determine which one would be the best method of action.
- Are there any possible alternatives?
- Have a very definite view of what your goals are before making your decision.
- Know all your facts, what you will be faced with and what the fall-out of your decision will be.
- Be objective when making a decision.
- Make a decision based on knowledge and foresight not emotions.
- After the decision has been made based on the best action towards a solution then,
just do it!

When difficult decisions are life-altering, we will always second-guess ourselves and our motives so the above decision-making process is important to follow.

The following are interesting quotes regarding decision making.

‘The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is to decide what you want.’ - Ben Stein

‘Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide.’ - Napoleon Bonaparte

When my five children were young, I made the decision to leave my husband based on what was best for them. I deliberated long and hard before I made my final decision. I did not, however, have a good follow-up plan for after I had left. I ‘flew by the seat of my pants’ which is not something I would ever suggest anyone do, with or without five small children. I was determined that I was not going to go on social assistance so with perseverance and my Taurus stubbornness, we made it by working together as a united family. But based on my experience, I would always recommend having a good total plan before taking a step of major consequence.

I thought the following quote was something to remember when making a decision:
‘Sometimes you make the right decision and sometimes you make the decision right.’ - Dr. Phil

But once a decision has been made after much soul searching and thought, it will feel as if a weight has been lifted from your shoulders, no matter what the final decision will have been.

If Guilt Threatens To Strangle Us

Most of us go through life with feelings of guilt in some form or another. We can let our guilt, like a boa constrictor, strangle the life out of us or we can make practical and realistic efforts to discover the causes of our guilt and determine what we can do about it.

Do we feel guilty because of something wrong or immoral that we have done; something that we didn’t do and should’ve done; have we let other people down, or have we not met others expectations? Worse still is not meeting our own expectations. Are we our own worst critic; have we not met our own personal standards, or have we magnified out of proportion what we think we have done? If so, it may be that our personal expectations of ourselves are unrealistically high.

Our consciousness and our values are what bring about our feelings of guilt. These feelings are normal. Extreme feelings of guilt are another story and can exasperate feelings of depression, low self-esteem and low self-confidence.

Some of my own feelings of guilt are because I went to work while my youngest was still young. I had stayed home with his three older brothers and his sister. I felt the loss more than he so I carry the guilt for not having been home to look after him as well. He, when asked, said he does not feel deprived and has grown up to be a very well-adjusted and social person.

Another guilt I am feeling is the necessity of having to set boundaries with my aging mother. Boundaries in our lives are necessary for our own emotional health and well-being but when our parents become elderly, setting boundaries is a difficult thing to do. Do setting personal boundaries become selfish when it involves the elderly and the ill? Our inner critic may tell us they are. Do others expect more from us than what we are doing? Or are the expectations we think others have of us really of our own making about what we think we should be doing? Are our feelings of guilt always logical or realistic? Only we can make that decision.

None of us is perfect and not one of us can be expected to be. Once we can accept that, we can stop beating ourselves up.

The Importance of a Pro and Con List in Our Lives

My mother used to say that when she got angry with my father, she would consider the pros and cons of their relationship and the pro list was always much longer than the con list. I always thought she was onto something good.

The problem here is whether we have the ability to be objective instead of subjective when we are in a combative situation. If we view a disagreement in a subjective way when we are angry, we probably will see very few pros and the con list may be very long.

How do we know if we are being subjective or objective?

If we are being objective, we are basing our opinion on definite facts; we are unbiased, and our facts are true and not imagined.

Being subjective is an opinion, an assumption or a belief which may or may not be true. If it is not true, the opinion based on it could be destructive for both sides.

But we each see our own truths – what is true for one person may be seen completely differently by another and that is their truth. So what is the truth and how do we determine it when we are trying to objectively make up our pro and con list.

An example of this would be that an opinion may be that he/she was drunk. The responding comment might be that he/she had only had two small drinks and was only tipsy. To each, it is their truth and without a breathalyzer test, who could say accurately.

The real value of the pro and con list is that once it has been made, if the pro list is longer, the anger will likely have dissipated. If the con list is longer, go for a run and then come back and open the doors of communication.

A lot of times our truths are based only on our perceptions; after communicating it is possible that something that may have once been on the con side may not be seen in such a negative light.

If the pro and con list is made up each time there is a major disagreement, and if each time the pro list is longer than the con list, as it was in my mother’s case, sit back and enjoy the benefits of your good relationship