Christmas at its Best

Many people who did not have good Christmas season experiences as children have carried these feelings over into adulthood. But for many young children, the lead up to Christmas can be a very exciting and magical time as they imagine Santa working with his elves before making his long trip to deliver gifts around the world. How can we make the Christmas season a happy occasion for all of our children?

As parents, our attitudes will determine the success of the Christmas season for our offspring. The most important rule in my opinion is to keep it simple. Many of the things that we have on our lists don’t really have to be done in order for Christmas to be successful. The following are some ideas to simplify the Christmas season:

- Try sending e-cards to friends and family instead of mailing out regular Christmas
cards. This not only saves time but money as well because there will be no need
to purchase either cards or postage.
- Shop early. By beginning to shop for the next Christmas at the Boxing Day sales will
eliminate the last minute shopping frenzy. It also spreads the expense of Christmas gift
buying over the entire year.
- Bake ahead and freeze the treats so there is no last minute rush to get all the baking done.
- And try to remain calm and relatively stress-free so that you may enjoy the Christmas
season with your children.

Christmas is for children. There are many things we can do with our children to make their memories of Christmases past good ones; filled with the many things they enjoyed that they’ll want to pass along to their own children. The following are some ideas of things we can do:

- Help them write a letter to Santa and ensure that they receive an answer.
- Let your children help you decorate the Christmas tree. Our trees don’t have to be show
home creations designed to impress our neighbors and friends – Christmas is for families.
- Let the children help to make and decorate some special Christmas cookies; most love to mix
and break eggs. A little mess is not a big problem when compared with the enjoyment
children get from being able to help. This year we made eggnog cookies decorated with
candies.
- Have an advent calendar.
- Take your child to a homeless shelter so they are able to get a better perspective on
Christmas. Have him/her bring a cash donation/food/or something warm to leave for a
homeless person.
- Let your child be part of the whole Christmas experience including helping to buy gifts for a
special aunt or uncle. I took my six year old grandson along with me to buy a few things and
purchased a couple of the items that he suggested. (I hope he was right).

As parents I think we should remember that children don’t need a lot of gifts. They will become overwhelmed and desensitized with the amount; especially if they are also receiving gifts from aunts and uncles and other extended family members. One or two special gifts will be sufficient in making children happy. And for young children especially, gifts do not need to be expensive. Also, children really don’t expect to get everything they ask for on their list.

If we want our children to look back on the Christmases of their childhood with fond memories, it will be up to us as parents, and grandparents, to make those memories as happy as possible. I think the bottom line is that if we remain calm and stress-free, so shall our children be. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Family Traditions at Christmas Time

Traditions are the glue that sticks families together. Many traditions are passed down from one generation to another but a new one can be started at any time. In our family we have many that have been passed down although they may have been altered somewhat over the years. My family, like many families, is very serious about its traditions.

Christmas Eve is the day our family gets together for our special holiday season dinner. The menu never changes because that is one of our very important Christmas traditions. The ‘absolutely-do-not-ever-change’ items are Rolladen, pickled red cabbage, cooked garlic sausage, potato salad, brussell sprouts, pickled beets and pickled herring. I can add other items, and do, without too much harassment. And although many of our family dinners are now buffet-style, our Christmas Eve dinner is always a sit-down one even though we now number twenty-four.

After dinner and everything has been cleared away, it is gift opening time. A volunteer Santa gives out the gifts to the children first before the adults open their gifts. Because our family has grown so large, it now takes us over two hours to open all of the gifts. While we open our presents, we play Christmas music in the background.

Before Christmas we have traditions that are child oriented. They are ones that I did with my own children and which I now continue to do with my grandchildren. My parents did a few of them with my brothers and me. Some of them are:

- the children decorate gingerbread houses, gingerbread trains and gingerbread men;
- they help to make cookie dough and then decorate the cookies before baking;
- we do various Christmas crafts – i.e.: decorate snowmen and snowflakes, etc.;
- the children help to decorate the tree with gobs of tinsel hung on each branch;
- we go to see the annual Santa Claus parade;
- they write a letter to Santa;
- we visit Santa at the Mall;
- go Christmas caroling in the neighborhood;
- drive around and look at Christmas lights;
- and go to advertised local Christmas activities.

Because these traditions have been part of my children’s and grandchildren’s lives from very early ages, they will in all likelihood continue many of them with their own families. I have seen it with my own children. Last year on Christmas Eve day we had an unusually heavy snowfall. I worried about my family driving in terrible conditions and suggested that we postpone our Christmas Eve celebrations until the roads were better. None of my five children agreed with me. They all insisted that we can’t postpone our Christmas Eve celebrations. Thankfully everyone arrived safely and as expected, we all had a wonderful time.

Another holiday season tradition is our New Year’s Day dinner out at a restaurant. It is relatively new to our family as we have only been doing it for about ten years. It is practical in that after all the festivities of the Christmas season and New Year’s Eve celebrations no one is particularly anxious to host a New Year’s Day dinner as well.

This year I have written our first annual family newsletter which I hope will become another family tradition. (It will be an end-of-the-year newsletter) I interviewed each of the grandchildren and put what they wanted to say into the newsletter as near as possible to their own way of speaking and added their pictures and bylines. For the babies I wrote up something for them and added their pictures and bylines also. I then did a review of the whole year with family pictures of various functions which were held throughout the year.

On New Years day of 2000, I wrote a letter to each of my five children and the two grandchildren I had at that time and placed them into a tin box. On New Years day of 2010, I will write another letter to each of my children and grandchildren and will add letters to the new grandchildren to put into the box. And on New Years day of 2020, we plan to open it up and read all the letters, perhaps at our annual New Years dinner out.

I believe a family that has traditions which are important to each of them will tend to be a closer unit. Traditions seem to be the glue that sticks us together.

Self-Discipline - Getting Where We Want To Go

The difference between thinking about what we want to do and getting ourselves there requires considerable self-discipline. It will also be necessary to combine this with willpower and self-control. There are many things we can do to establish our skills in this area so that we can succeed at whatever we have decided to do.

The following are some ways to increase our inner strength and determination in order to develop self-discipline:
- decide to lose ten or more pounds and stick to our diet until we have reached our desired weight;
- make a decision to have a more toned body or to develop our muscles and stick to an exercise program until we have achieved our goal;
- decide to quite smoking by the end of three months.

Or we can encourage ourselves to do something that needs to be done but that we don’t want to do or feel uncomfortable doing such as:
- cut the grass regularly every weekend even if we’d rather be playing computer games or something else we enjoy;
- make a personal commitment to take the dog for a walk every day, rain or shine;
- if we are shy, make the decision to initiate a conversation with someone we don’t know every time we go shopping;
- if the breakfast dishes are still in the sink every night when we come home from work, determine to do them before we sit in front of the television. (The job will be much worse to do the following day.)

Other ways of practicing self-discipline are:
- if we love chocolate, we won’t eat any for a week;
- if we want to go to Mexico but can’t afford it, we save all of our loose change and put it into a jar towards our trip instead of going for our special coffee every day;
- we can practice self-discipline when we are self-employed by establishing regular hours and working them even if something more enjoyable comes up;
- we can make ourselves a realistic list of what we wish to achieve each day and
commit ourselves to completing each task on our list

All of these things require self-discipline and the ability to self-regulate. If we cheat, we are only cheating ourselves. When we work towards becoming self-disciplined, it will be necessary to be focused, diligent, persistent and persevering.

Becoming self-disciplined helps us to withstand hardships and to endure difficulties in order to achieve our goals. Once we learn this important trait, we will feel in control of our lives and be much happier and self-contented.

Do you quit things a short time after you’ve started them because you don’t have the willpower or self-discipline to complete the task? If we quit things because we don’t like them, we’ll never become self-disciplined or accomplish our goals.

There is a saying, ‘Quitters never win and winners never quit.’ If we all followed that old adage, we’d all be winners. But by learning to be self-disciplined, we will have chosen the path to success.

Coping Strategies - How They Can Work For Us

With the busy lifestyles that most of us have, it is common to experience everyday stress in our lives. It is important, therefore, to have good coping skills and strategies which will be helpful in making the challenges in our life easier. It will be important also to determine what causes us the most stress and what coping strategies would work best for us.

If we make an effort to begin each day by avoiding as many potential problems as we can, it will help to eliminate the stress we may have. This can be done by planning ahead. If we get up a little earlier each morning than is absolutely necessary, we will have time for a relaxed breakfast, to get ready for our day and to do any preparations that are required without having the worry of being late. Having to rush first thing in the morning is never a good way to begin a day. And often a day started in this way will continue along the same path. It is often on those days that we will miss our bus, forget our purse, or our lunch, and the coffee maker won’t work. If we are running late, we’re also not making allowances for any unforeseen eventualities that may happen such as a traffic jam or an unexpected snowfall. I also find that waking up to music is a much better beginning to a day than to the jarring noise of an alarm clock.

Other problems may be that there are more bills than money coming in, too many things to do and not enough time, or overwhelming feelings of career and family responsibilities. For these it will be important to attempt to find solutions that will work in order to resolve these problems.

If potential problems have been avoided as best as possible, and we have attempted to resolve problems with possible solutions, our stress level can be alleviated somewhat. But when we have stress in spite of our efforts, how do we cope with it?

Whether we have a negative or a positive outlook could make a difference on the amount of stress we are experiencing. Are we blaming or are we taking control? Perhaps changing our reaction to the situation may help. Are we setting reasonable standards for ourselves or do we expect too much from ourselves or from a situation?

Good stress relievers are discussing problems with a close trusted friend, attempting to see the humor in a situation, going for a walk, having an exercise work-out plan, enjoying the soothing benefits of nature, having fun, or spending time with a friend.

The ability to be calm, even in difficult situations, will usually help us see things more clearly. And it will help most people around us to be calm too. When we are around someone who always seems to be stressed, it is difficult not to feel edgy as well. To help ourselves live more stress-free lives, it is also beneficial to surround ourselves with people who are calm and have control over their lives.

A Child's Christmas Wish

His eyes large, his blonde hair shimmering under the photographer's bright lamp, he smiled shyly at Santa. At two and a half years old, he looked tiny on the white-bearded man's lap.

"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" the large man asked.

"A choo-choo train and rocks and sticks," he whispered.

"Uh, yes, a choo-choo train." Santa rubbed his gloved hand thoughtfully on his cheek. "Rocks and sticks also, heh?" Santa's face wore a puzzled expression.

The small child nodded his head emphatically, "Yes, rocks and sticks."

"Well, I'm sure that can be arranged," Santa smiled as he handed him a candy cane and colouring book and lifted him down from his lap.

For the next few weeks the child talked of little else except the rocks and sticks he was going to get from Santa for Christmas. His excitement seemed to know no bounds. But did he really want rocks and sticks?

Right up until Christmas Eve, his parents weren't sure how to handle this delicate situation. Finally by late that evening they had made their decision.

Early Christmas morning, they gave him the brightly wrapped box of rocks and sticks. As he tore off the colourful paper and opened the box, he beamed. "Rocks and sticks!" Inspecting each specimen carefully, his parents encouraged him to open his other gifts. Reluctantly, he put his precious gift aside and opened the box holding his 'choo-choo' train.

For the rest of Christmas Day he interspersed his playtime between the train and the rocks and sticks. "Why don't you open your other gifts?" his parents asked.

"No," he announced as he happily continued to play with these two precious gifts.

This little boy is my grandson. Thinking about his joy at receiving rocks and sticks, I realize that as adults we place too much value on gifts. We do not need to buy a child expensive toys and they don't need to have a lot of gifts under the tree. When I thought further about his uncontained happiness with his box of rocks and sticks, I realized that children have a better understanding of the meaning of Christmas than we do as adults. Happiness comes from within; it is being pleased with simple things and not looking for expensive gifts. They were what he had asked for; he needed no other gifts.

Goal Setting - The Road To Dreams

By setting short term or long term goals, we help to propel our lives along future paths. Goal setting, and the ability to follow through, is required in order to be able to accomplish our lifetime dreams. They help motivate us and assist in turning our thoughts into realities.

But first we have to establish where we want to go and have a definite time frame regarding when we want to accomplish them. From there we will have to determine what steps we will need to make to get us to our potential dreams.

An example of this is if we decide we want to be a teacher; we know it will take us four years to get our Bachelor’s Degree. If we wish to get our Degree more quickly we may have to attempt to take more than the recommended courses each semester. We might also enroll in a summer semester as well. The Teacher’s Practicum Program differs in length depending on which university we are enrolled in so this may determine where we go. This potential dream can be broken down into short-term goals by determining which classes to take by a certain date with the long-term completion being done within a definite time period.

If instead our long-term goal may be to own a home in a particular neighborhood by the time we are forty; if we are only twenty-five we would have to determine what our short-term goals will be in order to achieve this dream. What position we are in when we first establish this as a future dream will determine what necessary steps will need to be taken to accomplish our reality. If for example we have neither education, job or a starter home, the task will be a little more daunting. It may be at that time necessary to make the decision of whether the goal is realistic. But it need not be considered an unrealistic goal if the time frame is of a sufficient length. A job would be the first step towards achieving the final accomplishment; secondly it will be necessary to begin a savings program for the down payment of a starter home, perhaps a condo, and then to gradually build from there.

Long-term goals can be determined for ten, twenty or thirty years in the future. Whatever the length of time determined for accomplishment of the goal, it is always important to have at least one dream because without a dream, life will have no zest for us. A goal can be based on a career, education, our financial situation or a personal dream such as being married or having children by a certain age.

Once the ultimate dream has been determined, stepping stones to accomplishing the goal can be broken down into achievable segments. During this process daily, monthly and yearly lists become useful tools, reminders and motivators.

But it is important to remember to stay focused when we have goals and to never let our dreams die.

The Importance of Time Management In Our Lives

In our busy lives, time management skills have become necessarily important but there are many who don’t know how to manage their time. There is an oft repeated saying, ‘If you want to make sure that something gets done, give it to someone who is busy.’ There is a reason for this belief.

Those who are busy realize the importance of making every moment count so they can accomplish all they want to do in a day. Those who are not busy feel they have all the time in the world to get done the few things they are required to do so will often waste their time and as a result become procrastinators, accomplishing nothing and wondering where their day went. They believe that there will be a lot of time to do it tomorrow so there is no need to hurry with things today.

For those who tend to be procrastinators, it will be necessary for them to set goals, to organize, to prioritize, to schedule and to make plans based on what needs to be done. It will be necessary to prioritize each task and to determine what time they have available for each particular job. To help them do this, they can make use of calendars, daytimers, appointment books or lists.

I am a strong advocate of lists and make use of daily, monthly and yearly ones. My mother always accused me of spending more time making my lists up than accomplishing the tasks on them. This is a common excuse used by non-list makers for not using lists. However, I do get many more things accomplished each day than my non-list maker friends and acquaintances do.

Those who criticize list-makers claim that we don’t get everything done on our lists; that we often just put things over to the next day – especially if we don’t really want to do them. But if it had never been put on the list in the first place, it wouldn’t have gotten done any faster if we hadn’t wanted to do it in the first place.

Although I believe strongly in the advantages of lists, I would suggest that they be not too vague. For example, instead of putting ‘do family room’, as I once did on my yearly ‘to do list’, I broke it down into separate segments of paint, replace carpeting and replace window coverings, each item would have been off the list much more quickly than the total ‘do family room’ item.

When a completed task is crossed off the list, there is always a great sense of
satisfaction. There would be no such feeling of complete accomplishment if there was no such list. With a list, you can see at a glance what has been done, what still has to be done and where little jobs can be fit into smaller segments of time and bigger jobs done when more time is available.

Practicing time management will allow most of us with busy schedules to have more time to do those things which we really enjoy doing.

Resiliency - We Can All Have It

The dictionary meaning for resiliency is the ability to recover quickly from illness, change or misfortune. It is a buoyancy; an ability to get over disappointments and discouragements. It is about being flexible and having strength of character. If we have these traits, they can help us along our path through life.

Resiliency assists us in coping with potential problems. If we have the ability to cope, we can turn problems into opportunities; we can wake up with enthusiasm instead of becoming discouraged when things don’t seem to be going well. We can pursue possibilities brought about with changes. It will give us the strength to change what needs changing and to accept what can’t be changed. When we do this, we grow in character. We will feel stronger and each successful adaptation to change will help us grow.

As we become stronger and more confident and as our resiliency increases, we can learn to practice patience, tolerance and determination. These traits will also give us the ability to be able to bounce back from adversity and misfortune.

To build resiliency in a child, it is important for the child to have a close and supportive relationship with at least one adult who is a significant part of their life. If there is more than one such adult, it will be even better for the child.

When helping the child to become an adult who will be able to cope with adversity, it will be important to create realistic goals and ideals for him/her. Also, by letting him/her know that you are aware they are capable of achieving these goals will instill confidence in him/her. It will be important also to set boundaries relating to their behaviour and to establish firm rules.

When I was raising my children I didn’t have a lot of rules but those that I did have were very firm. One of my sons, when he was about eleven years old, told me that he was glad I had rules because then he knew that I loved them. He said some of his friends didn’t have any rules. I was rather surprised; I had assumed up until that time that most children hated rules. I’m not saying that my children didn’t argue with my rules but it seems they really were okay with them. I believe it gave them a sense of security; they knew they were being looked after.

When children learn coping techniques, decision making skills and how to set goals, they will be well on the road towards being resilient adults. Learning these skills as a child is much preferable than trying to develop them after we become adults. Many of us do learn to cope with disappointments and misfortunes, becoming resilient in the process but many never do learn.

Helping our children become resilient is one of the most important things we can do for them. And being adept at coping when we are adults will make our journey through life much easier. If we are strong and are able to cope when life occasionally throws boulders in our path, we will always feel that all things are possible. We will never throw up our hands and say, ‘I can’t do it’, because we'll know we can.

Happiness is Living Life to its Fullest

Do you get up in the morning and look at a world in black and white or do you see it in technicolour? What determines how we look at our surroundings? Do we feel happy to be alive; glad to face another day? Or is it just one more day to somehow get through?

When we live in technicolour, the sun is shining – even if it’s raining – because we know that rain doesn’t last forever and the sun is bound to be shining somewhere. And when you walk down the street with a smile on your face, have you ever noticed how many people smile back at you? That if you say ‘hello, how are you today?’ to the person sitting next to you on the bus, they are usually only too happy for a friendly conversation.

However, this does open up the door to all sorts of conversations, both good and bad. I once smiled and said hello to a man who I later found out was just out of jail for attempted murder. But I also talked occasionally to a man on my bus that, with his wife, had exchange students from around the world and we had some very interesting conversations. A lady I met occasionally at the bus stop worked in a bank and while talking to her I was surprised to find out how often banks are held up. I have talked to people on chance meetings by only smiling and saying hello and have been told interesting stories of their lives. One elderly lady, when I asked about her accent, told me she had lived as a girl in Siberia and later in Iran before coming to Canada.

How much we would miss in life if we didn’t open ourselves up to others. Talking to those we meet in chance meetings and letting them tell their stories, may put a smile on their faces, but I think almost certainly on ours as well.

Never do I come home without a story to tell of either something I have heard or seen in my adventures of the day. Living life in technicolour makes getting up each morning interesting; we never know what will happen, what new conversations we will have, or how many new people we will meet.

We all have the choice of whether to live in a black and white world or not but life holds so many opportunities and excitement for those who choose to live their life in technicolour.

Relationship Decisions - How To Make Them

Many decisions within a relation are difficult to make; one particularly would be the question of whether to stay or to leave a relationship.

It is important to rationally make a decision rather than to make one in anger or without thinking through the consequences of your actions. The following are some ideas on how to do it.

- Begin with a pro and con list of the relationship.
- Based on the list, determine what the main problem or problems are.
- Determine what the causes of the problems are.
- Decide what the possible solutions could be to the problem.
- Make a pro and con list on each potential solution to determine which one would be the best method of action.
- Are there any possible alternatives?
- Have a very definite view of what your goals are before making your decision.
- Know all your facts, what you will be faced with and what the fall-out of your decision will be.
- Be objective when making a decision.
- Make a decision based on knowledge and foresight not emotions.
- After the decision has been made based on the best action towards a solution then,
just do it!

When difficult decisions are life-altering, we will always second-guess ourselves and our motives so the above decision-making process is important to follow.

The following are interesting quotes regarding decision making.

‘The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is to decide what you want.’ - Ben Stein

‘Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide.’ - Napoleon Bonaparte

When my five children were young, I made the decision to leave my husband based on what was best for them. I deliberated long and hard before I made my final decision. I did not, however, have a good follow-up plan for after I had left. I ‘flew by the seat of my pants’ which is not something I would ever suggest anyone do, with or without five small children. I was determined that I was not going to go on social assistance so with perseverance and my Taurus stubbornness, we made it by working together as a united family. But based on my experience, I would always recommend having a good total plan before taking a step of major consequence.

I thought the following quote was something to remember when making a decision:
‘Sometimes you make the right decision and sometimes you make the decision right.’ - Dr. Phil

But once a decision has been made after much soul searching and thought, it will feel as if a weight has been lifted from your shoulders, no matter what the final decision will have been.

If Guilt Threatens To Strangle Us

Most of us go through life with feelings of guilt in some form or another. We can let our guilt, like a boa constrictor, strangle the life out of us or we can make practical and realistic efforts to discover the causes of our guilt and determine what we can do about it.

Do we feel guilty because of something wrong or immoral that we have done; something that we didn’t do and should’ve done; have we let other people down, or have we not met others expectations? Worse still is not meeting our own expectations. Are we our own worst critic; have we not met our own personal standards, or have we magnified out of proportion what we think we have done? If so, it may be that our personal expectations of ourselves are unrealistically high.

Our consciousness and our values are what bring about our feelings of guilt. These feelings are normal. Extreme feelings of guilt are another story and can exasperate feelings of depression, low self-esteem and low self-confidence.

Some of my own feelings of guilt are because I went to work while my youngest was still young. I had stayed home with his three older brothers and his sister. I felt the loss more than he so I carry the guilt for not having been home to look after him as well. He, when asked, said he does not feel deprived and has grown up to be a very well-adjusted and social person.

Another guilt I am feeling is the necessity of having to set boundaries with my aging mother. Boundaries in our lives are necessary for our own emotional health and well-being but when our parents become elderly, setting boundaries is a difficult thing to do. Do setting personal boundaries become selfish when it involves the elderly and the ill? Our inner critic may tell us they are. Do others expect more from us than what we are doing? Or are the expectations we think others have of us really of our own making about what we think we should be doing? Are our feelings of guilt always logical or realistic? Only we can make that decision.

None of us is perfect and not one of us can be expected to be. Once we can accept that, we can stop beating ourselves up.

The Importance of a Pro and Con List in Our Lives

My mother used to say that when she got angry with my father, she would consider the pros and cons of their relationship and the pro list was always much longer than the con list. I always thought she was onto something good.

The problem here is whether we have the ability to be objective instead of subjective when we are in a combative situation. If we view a disagreement in a subjective way when we are angry, we probably will see very few pros and the con list may be very long.

How do we know if we are being subjective or objective?

If we are being objective, we are basing our opinion on definite facts; we are unbiased, and our facts are true and not imagined.

Being subjective is an opinion, an assumption or a belief which may or may not be true. If it is not true, the opinion based on it could be destructive for both sides.

But we each see our own truths – what is true for one person may be seen completely differently by another and that is their truth. So what is the truth and how do we determine it when we are trying to objectively make up our pro and con list.

An example of this would be that an opinion may be that he/she was drunk. The responding comment might be that he/she had only had two small drinks and was only tipsy. To each, it is their truth and without a breathalyzer test, who could say accurately.

The real value of the pro and con list is that once it has been made, if the pro list is longer, the anger will likely have dissipated. If the con list is longer, go for a run and then come back and open the doors of communication.

A lot of times our truths are based only on our perceptions; after communicating it is possible that something that may have once been on the con side may not be seen in such a negative light.

If the pro and con list is made up each time there is a major disagreement, and if each time the pro list is longer than the con list, as it was in my mother’s case, sit back and enjoy the benefits of your good relationship

The Value of Trust and Respect in a Relationship

The Value Of Trust and Respect In A Relationship

While attending a recent wedding shower, after a gift was opened, the giver was asked to pass on some advice to the soon to-be-married bride. There were many very good suggestions but one that kept coming back to me was the importance of ‘trust’ and ‘respect’ within a relationship.

I believe that without these two very important components, a relationship is little more than two people sharing the same address. We can share space with anyone but it won’t necessarily be a relationship.

What things are necessary for us to feel so that we can trust our partners? What makes us feel as if we are respected by our partners?

- Do you feel that you can count on your partner when you are in need of their emotional support?
- Do they align themselves with someone else against you?
- Do they appreciate you as a person and for what you do?
- Can they be counted on as a friend as well as your partner?
- Is it an equal relationship with a good balance of give and take?
- Do you get anything from the relationship in terms of feeling good when you are with them?
- Do you trust them not to hurt you and not to take advantage of you?
- Do they treat you fairly?
- Do you always feel sure of their loyalty?
- Do they take your side against others?
- Do they lie to you?
- Can they be counted on to care about your feelings when you’re feeling unhappy?
- Do they respect your needs, wishes and opinions?
- Do they often criticize you?
- Do they make you feel loved?

Some of these issues can be remedied with communication which I believe should be listed in the top three important requirements in a relationship. But many cannot; lying is one such issue. Can they ever be trusted again after they’ve been caught lying several times? Not being loyal would be another issue that would be difficult to resolve through communication.

I believe if a relationship can be saved and both are willing to work at it, it is important to do so. But no one should feel that they must live in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies - How Do They Fit Into Our Lives?

Self-fulfilling prophecies are predictions that will either directly or indirectly come true because of a belief that they will. The beliefs do not have to be true; they only have to be believed.

This happens often with parents and their children. Parents may say of one child, ‘He’s smart; he’ll go to university.’ Very likely this will happen because the child, after hearing this prophecy many times, comes to believe it and will work towards it. Another parent may say of their 1 ½ year old toddler, ‘He’ll do well in sports; look at how well he kicks that ball.’ The child in all probability will be given sports equipment to play with at a young age and will be placed early onto a sports team. Or, ‘He’s always such a klutz; he continually trips over his own feet.’ If children hear this often enough, they will come to believe that’s what they do and the prophecy will likely prove to be true. And if a child is constantly being told that he’s forgetful, there is no necessity for him to remember because he’s known for forgetting and no one expects anything different. Or if a child hears himself always described as being shy, he may make no effort to be anything other than shy because he has never been expected to be outgoing.

There are many of these types of prophecies and parents are the worst culprits. They do their children a disservice by setting them on a path where there may be no validity to the implied truths of their prophecies. A child may be forced to play a sport with no love for the game because of their parents’ belief. A child may wish to take a trade but feel their parents must be right about going to university – after all, they’ve said so their whole life.

But the prophecies do not have to be negative; they can act as positives in programming ourselves for better and happier futures. We may tell all that we intend to become an actor or an actress. If we truly believe that we can be, we will work with determination and perseverance towards our goal. As a result, our prophecy very likely will come true. The same may be true of anything else we have decided to do as long as we are determined to accomplish our goal.

Self-fulfilling prophecies can change our lives either positively or negatively but as with everything else, ultimately we have the choice as to how we live our lives. The question will be: How strongly do we believe?

Happiness and Positive Attitudes

Those with positive attitudes are a magnet to others while those with negative attitudes often alienate those around them including themselves because of their critical and self-critical feelings. How can they like others when they think so little of themselves? Can negative people change their attitudes?

We all want to be happy and thinking positively is a good start to being happy. If we anticipate that we will find good, we usually will. I once heard a visitor to our province say that the people of our large city were not friendly and they don’t smile. Had he presented a friendly, smiling face, he would have found that we are a friendly city. Most people are happy to be acknowledged but someone has to be first to make the overture.

Positive thinking is a mental attitude. If we visualize success, we will succeed. We can look for the bright side of life in each situation; look at our cup as being half full; look for opportunities; be optimistic; be motivated; be determined to succeed; laugh and smile often; persevere, and never give up. Happiness comes from within – we are the only ones who can make us happy. A lot of our feelings of happiness will depend on how we perceive things that happen to us and how we cope with adversity. If we put a smile on our face and ‘act’ as if we’re happy, we’ll end up truly feeling happy.

It is important to be self confident, even if it means initially pretending to be; the pretense of confidence begets real confidence. It is also important to work on self-esteem; visualize positive outcomes; listen to others’ inspirational stories; think creatively; be self-disciplined, and work energetically. The more we do this, the more successful we will be in reaching our goals and the happier we will be.

Thinking positively will eventually be something we no longer have to make an effort to do – it will come naturally.

High Expectations - Are They Realistic?

Some adults forget they are no longer children and want to continue to play at being a prince and princess even as they grow older. They expect to be treated the way they think the world should treat them, just as spoiled children do. Unfortunately, life is not a world of make believe and most of us get treated the way people want to treat us.

In these situations, they may make too many demands, possibly on one relationship, and if that person doesn’t respond as they wish, they may feel betrayed. As an example, one woman I know of said that she couldn’t count on her daughter for anything and could no longer trust her because the daughter had disagreed with her. The issues of ‘trust’ and whether they ‘agreed’ or not are like apples and oranges but she could not be made to realize it. This placed a lot of unreasonable guilt on the daughter. At other times if her daughter went out for the day, she phoned everyone she could think of who might know where she might be, usually with a story of supposed ‘need’ so that they would track her down. And when the daughter went on a much needed vacation, she angrily begrudged her the time she was away.

According to research most unrealistic expectations have to do with manipulation and control. This behavior can be partly as a result of a lack of independence whereby they become emotionally dependent on someone closely connected to them. Often they will demand attention because of their dissatisfaction with life.

Those who feel dissatisfied are looking to others to fill this void. Unfortunately, the more they demand of others and the more unrealistic their expectations, the more people will draw back from them. And the more people pull away, the more they expect and the more dissatisfied, frustrated, resentful and angry they become because their needs are not being met. It becomes a vicious circle where no one is happy, least of all the person making the unrealistic demands. They have not learned that others cannot meet their needs – they are the only ones who can do that.

As in all situations in life, we must set boundaries and not take things personally when someone is unhappy with the boundaries we have set. And most importantly, we must not allow ourselves to be forced to cater to someone else’s unrealistic expectations. We must remember that it is our life and we don’t have to take ownership of anyone else’s unhappiness.

Can We Improve Our Lives?

‘Accept what I can’t change and change what I can’t accept’. These words are taken from a well-known quote that, if thought about, can change each of our lives and help us realize that we are the instigators of our own destinies. We are not pawns to be dealt with as others see fit.

Although things happen to us that we may have had no control over, we do have the power to either accept the change in our lives or work towards making a bad situation better. Sometimes trying to change a bad situation may mean leaving it.

Did we marry someone who later became an alcoholic? We can either accept that they are alcoholics; we can help them to become non-alcoholics or, if things become too difficult to accept, we can leave the situation because it is not good for our own lives and those of our families.

Are we being physically, verbally or emotionally abused within our relationships? Most would never accept this treatment under any circumstances but there are some that do. Attempting to change it may work if the abuser is willing to take counseling or if he/she eventually sees himself or herself as an abuser. However, in most cases it may be necessary to change your life by leaving; if things cannot be changed, it is necessary to think of what is best for yourself and others in the family. This is especially true when children are involved.

Do we work in an environment that does not respect or appreciate its employees? Are we made to work overtime without pay? Are we not given employee’s standard lunch and coffee breaks? Are we expected to work in unsafe environments? We can accept bad employer treatment for fear of losing our jobs; but is that acceptable? Or we can approach our bosses in an attempt to make changes to enhance working conditions for ourselves and our colleagues. But if nothing works and we cannot accept the situation, it will be necessary for us to change what we can’t accept and look elsewhere for another job.

These are only a few examples. The choice is always ours whether to accept a situation, attempt to change it or to not accept it and decide to leave a difficult situation. When we truly realize that we have these choices, we will be able to be stronger in our decision making. We no longer need to be at another’s mercy. We are our own masters and each and every one of us deserves to live with respect.

What Is Middle Age?

There are some that would think thirty-five years is middle age while others may think fifty or older is the magic number. Our perception of what we consider middle age to be will determine how old we feel and how we feel about the age we are.

The real question is how long do we think we will live? I for one would hope to live many years past 70 so for me, thirty-five is not considered middle age. In today’s world thirty-five is still considered young; many couples are just starting their families in this age bracket. Beginning to have a family at thirty-five is more the norm than starting to have children at twenty used to be. The times, and our definitions of what is acceptable as we age, have changed. Previously, if a child was born to parents in the thirty-five to forty year old age category, it was thought to be an unplanned pregnancy.

If families are started at thirty or thirty-five, theoretically children won’t leave the nest until their parents are at least fifty or fifty-five which seems to be a more appropriate age to think about being considered middle age.

Children keep us feeling younger and encourage us to be more inclusive of youthful attitudes; daughters don’t want to see their mothers as being unfashionable and sons want their fathers to be able to ‘keep up’. Parents will try to fit the images their children have of them which results in older people feeling more youthful.

Although 'middle age' can be evidenced physically by increased wrinkles, reduced physical fitness and a reduction of strength and flexibility, I believe that ‘true middle age’ is better defined by each individual’s attitude towards their own aging. As an example of this, my brother and I are a little more than a year apart in age but he considers ‘middle age’ to be at a younger age than what I consider it to be; this attitude is based on the differences in our perceptions on aging.

When one looks in the mirror and sees wrinkles lining the face and a head covered in a halo of gray, do they see ‘old’ or do they look beyond the obvious to the possibilities of what life still has to offer them.

Until one is truly considered to be ‘old’, whereby assistance is required for daily necessities, then I believe we remain in the category of ‘middle age’; if it is absolutely necessary to categorize.

The middle years can be the beginning of a new life. Many are starting new careers in their fifties and sixties. And as we become older and hopefully wiser our opportunities can broaden; by using wisdom, knowledge and more availability of time, we can help others or work towards our own long forgotten dreams. Ignoring opportunities are a lost potential for future happiness.

Avoid negativity as if it were a raging lion and look towards the future with a positive attitude; look for the sun shining on the horizon, not the thunder clouds. Middle age is the oasis between the uncertainty of youth and the unknown future of the elderly. Our oasis can be what we make of it.

Retaining Our Youth - At Any Age

What is age? It’s a number that gets arbitrarily attached to us each year on our birthday regardless of how young we feel. It’s like an albatross around our necks. We can feel forty but be weighted down by the number fifty or more that has been forced on us. So what can we do about it?

We can ignore that number and concentrate on how we feel; and we can work towards looking as good as we feel. There are many ways we can do this. We can avoid gaining extra body weight, exercise regularly, eat a healthy diet, not smoke, drink moderately, have good posture, look after our skin and always use sunscreen, get sufficient sleep, keep our hair in a fashionable style, always be well groomed, and smile often.

Other and just as important ways are:

to speak in the language of the day. (This does not mean teenage lingo). My mother still talks about streetcars instead of our skytrain transit system, trousers instead of slacks, and the gramophone as if these were still things we use;

to think in a youthful way. If we feel forty instead of the fifty or more that we may be, we should try to cultivate friends in that age group. I have noticed that those who move into seniors’ townhouse complexes, even when they are the youngest ones there, start to sound and behave like their older neighbors. If we think like a young person, we’ll feel like a young person;

to stay current in what is happening around us and be able to converse on meaningful topics.
be motivated in getting the most out of life that you can. Enjoy life and living;

try new experiences. Make a list of all the things you haven’t done and would like to do and start doing them. Don’t wait for life to happen to you, make life happen for you.

I also have my own little favorite - don’t tell your age - don’t lie, just don’t tell. People have a preconceived notion of what ‘certain ages’ are like. There should be no presumption of what you may be like based on your age, only you as you are.

Albert Einstein – People like you and I, though mortal of course like everyone else, do not grow old no matter how long we live. We never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born.

Perhaps this is one of the secrets of youth – the ability to be constantly enthusiastic about life and living.

Ashley Montagu – I want to die young at a ripe old age.

Who could ask for anything more than that?

Satchel Paige – How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?

Probably as old as you feel and that’s what it’s all about. How nice it would be to go through life with no number attached to us and be an age only as it related to how young we feel.

Fight Aging With Physical and Mental Exercises

Use it or lose it applies to many things but particularly to the mind. Physical inactivity and lack of mental stimulation can lead to cognitive decline. Those who manage to stay ‘young’ even as they enter their elder years have kept their minds and bodies active throughout their lives.

Cognitive decline is not inevitable as we age unless it is a result of poor health. Mental alertness will continue as we age if we remain physically and mentally active. Cardiovascular exercises act as a fuel for the brain. Activities such as walking, line dancing, rope jumping, swimming, treadmills, bicycles (stationary or otherwise), and even yoga will increase the blood flow which allows oxygen to reach the brain. This, combined with a good diet, not smoking and drinking moderately will reduce the risk of heart disease and strokes, etc.

According to researchers at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation, thinking through the stages of a particular exercise, when unable to exercise, can actually strengthen a muscle. Athletes use this technique but know also that it does not replace actual exercise.

I found this same technique worked when I first learned to type; whenever I saw a sign, or read a book I mentally typed the words and strongly believe this helped to increase my typing speed. I have also used this technique to assist me when sketching; I trace every outline of what I wish to draw with my eye and when it comes time to place pencil to paper, it is much easier to do the sketch because the image is more firmly etched upon my brain.

Stimulating our brains throughout our lives will help to keep us younger. We can do this in many ways, often when we are doing other things, i.e.: if we are right-handed, we can use our left hand for activities such as brushing our hair, our teeth and eating or even for simple things like reaching for the telephone, closing the blinds or using our computer mouse. Other ways of keeping our brains active are to do things with our eyes closed, i.e.: flossing our teeth, getting dressed, putting on socks or tying our shoelaces.

We can increase our mental capabilities by learning a new language, working with modeling clay, reading, playing a game of scrabble, working on crossword puzzles, doing Suduko or playing other games such as Bridge or Hearts. Learning should be continuous throughout our whole
lives. It is also important to avoid monotony, routine, dissatisfaction and discontentment at any age. As we get older, boredom will set in if we don’t maintain interests and hobbies, close connections with friends and family or stay connected with the business of living. Boredom will lead to discontentment and unhappiness. If substance abuse and isolation are the next steps following boredom, aging and poor health can’t be far behind.

My belief is that to retain the feeling of youth, we must wake up each and every morning as if the sun was shining and the birds were singing and tell ourselves that it’s good to be alive. And the first question we should ask ourselves is, ‘What shall I do with my life today?’ No day should be wasted.

Aging - Keeping Our Brains Healthy

Studies have shown that those who age successfully and who remain mentally alert well into their elder years share certain characteristics. It is a chosen lifestyle that will pay off by extending their enjoyment of life as they age.

One of the most important of these characteristics is being positive and feeling good about ourselves. Part of being positive is looking at our glass as being half full instead of half empty. And for this reason, it is important to think about how we view ourselves and how we perceive the world around us. It is also necessary to learn to adapt to life’s many challenges and by doing so, we will feel we have control over our lives. By being in control of life, it will be easier to continue, as we age, to sustain a social network with supportive relationships.

Those who are able to maintain this type of a lifestyle throughout their lives, studies show, seem to live longer, more actively and with less mental decline. Also because they have remained more active during their lives, they are often more pain-free and without the physical limitations that their counterparts who have become sedentary may experience. By remaining active, they will also likely continue to maintain friends and family relationships, travel, enjoy social activities in their communities, join clubs, and take courses thus keeping themselves more mentally alert. Some studies indicate that it is important to continue to learn new things and to pursue activities that are intellectually stimulating in order to challenge our brains, particularly as we age.

Memory difficulties are most often associated with aging. It is important to remember that tension and stress are associated with memory problems and so it is necessary to attempt to avoid stress as much as possible in our lives. Memory issues can be lessened also if we pay attention to new things, listen when we are spoken to, focus on what is important, and to verbalize and visualize.

By continuing to be active and involved with life most elders, with good health, perseverance, and admittedly some good luck should be able to remain mentally alert their whole lives.

Aging - The Brain and Diet

Beginning in our sixties and seventies, there will be changes in our brains. These changes are a result of many things but they are particularly affected by our diets. When we were children, we had it drummed into our heads to ‘eat our fruit and vegetables’. It wasn’t only true then but continues to be important as we get older.

Our brains, like anything else, will become ‘rusty’ if we do not maintain it. One way to avoid the ‘rusty’ effect is to include a lot of antioxidant foods in our diet. Many of the antioxidant foods include those that are colorful such as: broccoli, spinach, brussel sprouts, beets, red peppers, carrots and yams. But the list also includes vegetables such as cauliflower, eggplant, alphalpha sprouts and corn which are lighter in color.

Fruits that are high in antioxidants include: blueberries, cranberries, blackberries, strawberries, raspberries, plums and oranges as well as dried fruit such as prunes, raisins and apricots. Nuts such as almonds and walnuts are also good antioxidants.

Foods that are high in Omega-3’s, such as fish, also help protect our brains from aging. Suggested fish are mackerel, herring, sardines, salmon, tuna and any white fish.

Meals should be balanced with breakfast being one of the most important meals of the day. It is important to eat low fat foods and not over indulge. Alcohol should only be taken in moderation because it restricts the blood flow to the brain, as does smoking. It is also believed that smoking in later life can promote mental decline. Coffee also should be taken in moderation.

A diet that is healthy for the brain is also good for the heart. And if followed, a diet such as the above will also help decrease the chances of obesity. Maintaining the health of our brain should not start when we first notice deterioration; it should begin when we are young and be continued throughout our lives.

Aging - Keeping A Good Attitude As We Age

How we think depends on how old we feel. Do we think we are old at fifty years? If so, then we will probably feel old too. During my life I have waged a war against aging; not by denying that I am aging but by the age I think ‘old’ is. ‘Old’ has always been determined in my thoughts as being at least 15 to 20 years older than I ever am at the time. And I have never said I’m too old for anything. Once you say you are too old, you will be.

In general I believe it is important to continue to try new things as we age even though I may not bungee jump or ride the Hollywood Tower of Terror at Disneyland. But I didn’t do those things when I was twenty either. I also believe it is important as we age to spend time with people who are younger than ourselves; their younger attitudes will make us feel upbeat and younger than if we surround ourselves only with those who are older.

Studies show that psychosocial factors as well as genes and general health will help to determine how we age. By being positive, happy, optimistic and making plans for the future will determine the image we have of ourselves and our feelings of ‘being old’. (I recently heard about a seventy-five year old man who was building himself a new house.)

Many times throughout my life I have thought, ‘I’m just starting my life’ which is similar to the well-known saying, ‘it’s the first day of the rest of my life’. With this attitude, the next thought must surely be, ‘how much can I accomplish in the rest of my life?’ The answer is, ‘a lot’. I believe that as we age it is important to grow in our thoughts, to continue to add to our own lives as well as to others; and to continually strive towards remaining independent by being involved in life in whatever capacity our bodies allow us to be. “I can” should, no matter our age, be important words in our vocabularies.

It is important also, I believe to be confident in our abilities and our roles in life. What is our role in life? Are we involved grandparents, volunteers for a worthy organization, or social butterflies? As long as we are happy in our roles and feel that our lives are full and we are accomplishing something, we will feel younger than if we were sitting uninvolved and with few social contacts.

I also believe that coping strategies have a large bearing on our health, as well as our aging process. There will be many changes in our lives, that we will have to adapt to and if we have good coping skills, will be easier to get through these challenges. (My mother is an example of not coping with changes. She moved into an assisted living home and didn’t adjust well; she was in and out of hospitals for several months even going so far as refusing to eat.)

So, think young, live young and you’ll feel young. Live life to its fullest – life is too short to feel old before you have to. You have to start when you’re young but remember that ‘young’ can be at any age.

Antiquated Laws

Is our world any crazier than it ever was? If we look at some of the old laws that are still in existence, but are not invoked, perhaps it isn’t after all.

Canada has old laws on their books that most of its citizens have never heard of and if challenged by either the citizens or the law courts have the potential for problems.

In Canada, it is illegal to pay for anything over 25 cents in pennies. What’s to be done with all the pennies? Perhaps it’s the pennies that should be outlawed.

Citizens cannot publicly remove bandages. If this law were ever invoked, many children would end up behind bars since they are notorious ‘bandage peelers’.

It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them. It would be difficult to determine how they were frightened and whether it was the frightening that killed them. Can ‘frightening’ be determined by autopsy?

It is also illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft. The supposition is that it is legal to practice witchcraft as long as you’re not pretending.

In Alberta, Canada, this outdated law has perhaps the most serious consequences if invoked, “if a person is released from prison, it is required that he/she be given a handgun with bullets and a horse so they can ride out of town.’

In Etobicoke, Ontario, a bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub. If this law was taken seriously, the cost of officers would certainly increase and be a drain on our system.

In Cobourg, Ontario, it is required that if you have a water trough in your front yard, it must be filled by 5:00 a.m. It would probably be best to dispense with the water trough.

In Oshawa, Ontario, the city laws state that it is illegal to climb trees. This is not a biggie unless the trees are.

In Ottawa, Ontario, it is illegal to eat ice-cream on Bank Street on a Sunday.

Toronto, Ontario laws state you are not allowed to drag a dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday. If tested, I’m sure most streets would have the same law enacted.

In Wawa, Ontario the law states you cannot paint a ladder as it will be slippery when wet.

In Nova Scotia, a person is not allowed to water his lawn when it is raining.

Our 'Griswold's' Family Vacation

Our ‘Griswold’s family vacation’ started out like any other normal vacation with two grandparents and three grandchildren about to embark on a three week trip. Some might say, “Three grandchildren; are you crazy?” Well there’s crazy and then there’s crazy.

We drove four long, hot days with no air conditioning in our hottest weather. I know what you’re thinking. I thought so too but..... It took us one day to drive through Washington, one day through Oregon and two days through California. It was not until we had almost reached Palm Springs before a little voice asked, “Are we almost there yet?” The first leg of our trip was over and we were welcomed at our destination with cold drinks and a refreshingly cool swimming pool. We weren’t crazy.

We spent two days in Palm Springs and then drove to Anaheim for four lovely, hot, fun-filled days of walking around Disneyland fighting the crowds. Some again might say we were crazy but it all depends how you look at it. If you love Space Mountain or the Hollywood Tower, I think you’re crazy. I’m not one of them but I did get conned by one of my sons who joined us there into going on Thunder Mountain. I should have been suspicious because last time we were there he told me Space Mountain wasn’t a roller coaster ride; it was only a ‘roller coaster-type ride’ and I fell for it. Uhmm.

From there we returned to Palm Springs late in the evening. As we drove up to my brother’s place – tired, hot and sticky – my partner misjudged the outside overhang of our motorhome and knocked their mailbox over. The cement base lay in crumbling little pieces on the ground while the children and I carefully stepped over it. I won’t say crazy but my husband spent two days rebuilding the cement base to its ‘almost back to original state' while the children and I enjoyed the swimming pool.

After a four day rest from Disneyland, we decided to set off for Arizona in 48 degree weather with, like I mentioned, no air conditioner. But like troopers we persevered because we had promised the children a visit to the Grand Canyon. Through deserts and over mountains we travelled until finally we stopped near a small town, hoping to find a campsite. The funny or not so funny thing was that once we stopped, the motorhome wouldn’t start again. I laughed. Really what else was there to do?

“It’s our lucky day,” I declared.

“How so?” my partner asked grumpily.

“Well, we could’ve broken down in the middle of nowhere.”

“We are in the middle of nowhere,” one grandson pointed out.

“But it’s not as ‘nowhere’ as it could’ve been,” I told him logically. “We’re very, very close to a campsite and to a town if need be,” I pointed out. Now who was crazy?

However, we did make it to the Grand Canyon and what an awesome sight that was! There is nothing to compare to it. But while we were leaving our campsite the following morning my partner failed to notice a tree stump and tore the corner out of our motorhome. It was the corner that housed the secondary battery that the fridge ran on while we were driving. Well what the heck - warm drinks, melted freezies and canned meals are better than nothing. One can’t quibble about the little things.

Then we stopped at Bryce Canyon in Utah – another unbelievable sight and one we were glad we had not missed. But when we arrived at our campsite that night and hooked up our water supply, we ended up with water all over the bathroom floor – a loose connection and not the appropriate tools to fix it with. So we used pots and kettles to bring water into the motorhome. It was just like camping in the ‘good old days’ only better because we didn’t have to sleep on the ground.

From there we travelled to Nevada where we stopped at Virginia City. Another great place to visit and one I’d like to go back to again when our motorhome is in a little better shape. When we went to our campsite, I asked my partner if he would like me to direct him while he backed up.

“No,” he said, “it’ll be fine.”

I shouldn’t have listened. I should have risked life and limb and jumped out of our moving RV because within minutes he had ‘somehow’ attached himself to a metal fence post. That wasn’t too bad though. The problem was when he tried to pull away and the bumper and part of the back wall of the motorhome came away also. Have you got a clear picture of our holiday yet?

So back to two grandparents and three grandchildren – the children were fabulous; they weren’t an ounce of trouble. I would take them anywhere again. My partner I’m not so sure about.

Our 'Griswold's Family Vacation' - Truth Not Fiction

Our ‘Griswold’s family vacation’ started out like any other normal vacation with two grandparents and three grandchildren about to embark on a three week trip. Some might say, “Three grandchildren; are you crazy?” Well there’s crazy and then there’s crazy.

We drove four long, hot days with no air conditioning in our hottest weather. I know what you’re thinking. I thought so too. It took us one day to drive through Washington, one day through Oregon and two days through California. It was not until we had almost reached Palm Springs before a little voice asked, “Are we almost there yet?” The first leg of our trip was over and we were welcomed at our destination with cold drinks and a refreshingly cool swimming pool. We weren’t crazy.

We spent two days in Palm Springs and then drove to Anaheim for four lovely, hot, fun-filled days of walking around Disneyland fighting the crowds. Some again might say we were crazy but it all depends how you look at it. If you love Space Mountain or the Hollywood Tower, you’re crazy. I’m not one of them but I did get conned by one of my sons who joined us there into going on Thunder Mountain. I should have been suspicious because last time we were there he told me Space Mountain wasn’t a roller coaster ride; it was only a ‘roller coaster-type ride’ and I fell for it. Uhmm.

From there we returned to Palm Springs late in the evening. As we drove up to my brother’s place – tired, hot and sticky – my husband misjudged the outside overhang of our motorhome and knocked their mailbox over. The cement base lay in crumbling little pieces on the ground while the children and I carefully stepped over it. I won’t say crazy but my husband spent two days rebuilding the cement base to its ‘almost’ original state while the children and I enjoyed the swimming pool.

After a four day rest from Disneyland, we decided to set off for Arizona in 48 degree weather with, like I mentioned, no air conditioner. But like troopers we persevered because we had promised the children a visit to the Grand Canyon. Through deserts and over mountains we travelled until finally we stopped near a small town, hoping to find a campsite. The funny or not so funny thing was that once we stopped, the motorhome wouldn’t start again. I laughed. Really what else was there to do?

“It’s our lucky day,” I declared.

“How so?” my husband asked grumpily.

“Well, we could’ve broken down in the middle of nowhere.”

“We are in the middle of nowhere,” one grandson pointed out.

“But it’s not as ‘nowhere’ as it could’ve been,” I told him logically. “We’re very, very close to a campsite.” Now who was crazy?

However, we did make it to the Grand Canyon and what an awesome sight that was! There is nothing to compare to it. But while we were leaving our campsite the following morning my husband failed to notice a tree stump and tore the corner out of our motorhome. It was the corner that housed the secondary battery that the fridge ran on while we were driving. Well what the heck - warm drinks, melted freezies and canned meals are better than nothing. One mustn’t quibble about the little things.

Then we stopped at Bryce Canyon in Utah – another unbelievable sight and one we were glad we had not missed. But when we arrived at our campsite that night and hooked up our water supply, we ended up with water all over the bathroom floor – a loose connection and not the appropriate tools to fix it with. So we used pots and kettles to bring water into the motorhome. It was just like camping in the ‘good old days’ only better because we didn’t have to sleep on the ground.

From there we travelled to Nevada where we stopped at Virginia City. Another great place to visit and one I’d like to go back to again when our motorhome is in a little better shape. When we went to our campsite, I asked my husband if he would like me to direct him while he backed up.

“No,” he said, “it’ll be fine.”

I shouldn’t have listened. I should have risked life and limb and jumped out of our moving RV because within minutes he had ‘somehow’ attached himself to a metal fence post. That wasn’t too bad though. The problem was when he tried to pull away and the bumper and part of the back wall of the motorhome came away also. Have you got a clear picture of our holiday yet?

So back to two grandparents and three grandchildren – the children were fabulous; they weren’t an ounce of trouble. I would take them anywhere again. The husband I’m not so sure about.

To Enable Or To Nurture

The dictionary states that nurture is to nourish, feed, educate, encourage, tenderly care for, and to help grow or develop. To enable is to provide with the means, knowledge or opportunity to make possible and to give sanction to something. When nurturing has gone too far, it can become enabling; there is a fine line between them.

A nurturing person is one who helps others; supports their ideas and what they do; offers encouragement and praise, and is kind and patient. A nurturer will help loved ones be responsible for their actions even if it means becoming the target for another’s anger. Those with problems should be encouraged to be responsible for their own problems. It is the same actions as those of a parent who will disapprove of the behaviour of their child but will still love him.

Being an enabler allows loved ones to behave in ways that are destructive. i.e.: an enabler may buy an alcoholic spouse alcohol; continue to lend someone money who is constantly going into debt again. By trying to help and protect, they are inadvertently making a chronic problem worse.

Some enablers also become codependents. As a codependent, they may adapt to or ignore problems. By allowing the continuation of a problem in order to avoid conflicts, it allows the person to continue to act in a destructive way. i.e.: a person who covers for her husband after being abused; or one who will make excuses for an alcoholic spouse. An enabler feels the need to be needed but on the other hand will feel taken advantage of. The enabler will sometimes enable out of fear of reprisal but lack of conflict does not solve the problem as it was intended to do.

The difference between helping and enabling is: to help is to do something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves; to enable is to do something for them when they are capable of doing it themselves.

Tough love may become necessary when the person’s behaviour continues or becomes worse. Most enablers act out of love, loyalty and concern but they nurture dependency. Enabling can be positive. i.e.: time spent with a child, listening and letting them know how important they are to you as the parent. As a result they have enabled the child to be confident and happy. There is a fine line between the roles of nurturer and the enabler who nurtures dependency.

Expectations - A Thought

According to the dictionary, expectations are the probability of a thing happening.

In the past century, expectations were to live to the ripe old age of thirty years; the realization that many babies would not see one year old; that one’s belly would more often growl with hunger than sigh with contentment; that children would have rickets and most people would go to their grave without a full set of their own teeth.

Conditions gradually improved. People lived longer; babies had a better chance of living past their first year and fewer new mothers died during child birth. The cause of rickets was discovered and the expectation was to grow up without the bowed legs of deprivation. Many of today’s seniors may not die with their own teeth but with education and preventative measures, the expectation of young people is that they will.

More recently the dream was to have a small plot of land and a modest home. If they were able to have a car, they considered themselves the lucky ones. They worked long hours and if no catastrophe befell them, they managed a week vacation in the summertime. Their children did not have music lessons and likely ran barefoot in the summer because shoes were expensive. People lived in fear that if the father, usually the primary wage earner, fell ill or died, the family would become destitute. People had less; wanted less and were satisfied with less because they had few expectations that there could be more.

Today our expectations are higher. We expect that we will have fancy, big houses; the best of furniture and two relatively new cars. Our children likely have designer clothes; more than they will ever wear and none they will ever wear out. They have more toys than they even know they own and the latest and greatest of everything. They have lessons in everything but no time for family. The work day is shorter but the time to relax less. The feeling of gratitude for what life has given us no longer exists.

We expect higher wages and faraway and exotic vacations – going camping is no longer considered to be an enjoyable holiday. Family time is valued less and adult time is valued more. We have fewer children because we do not have time for more and large families are expensive. Our expectations are to be successful so we work towards promotions and the next rung in our chosen field.

With our new expectations, we have lost close family connections; the joy of spending fun time with a child; spending a rainy afternoon reading a book or having a relaxing meal with family without the necessity of rushing to a game, a meeting or a lesson. There’s been a swing of the pendulum. We are more self-centered – we are the ‘me’ generation. What will our expectations bring us next?

How The Times Have Changed

My brothers and I were all within three years of age. We played together with the animals on our hobby farm, swung from vine maple trees, explored the ten acres our home sat on, made forts in the fern fields, caught mice in the pastures so we could frighten our mother; made up games, picked cascarra bark to sell, swam in Kanaka Creek and skated on the frozen lake in the winter. We roamed the countryside and followed the meandering creek wherever it took us. When we walked up the logging road on Blue Mountain we often branched off following animal trails, sometimes finding old miners shacks and rusting prospector’s equipment. We rode our bikes and exploring wherever our adventures took us, we didn’t realize how lucky we were to be living in a time when it was safe to do that. We were able to enjoy the nature that was around us; to see beauty that few young children would now see unless accompanied by parents that are most often too busy to take the time to enjoy such adventures with them.

There were few rules when I was a child. We left in the morning, promised to be careful and to be home by dinnertime. If we weren’t home by dinnertime, that’s when the rules came crashing down upon our heads. This happened seldom. Our sense of time was almost as accurate as our sense of direction.

Our lives were not filled with a lot of ‘have-to’s’; our ‘have-to’s’ consisted of doing our chores, our homework, keeping our rooms tidy and minding our manners. They did not consist of having every evening filled with soccer, baseball, karate or anything else. Our lives were not filled with a lot of structured time. We had a few music lessons and some swimming lessons. Period. Our every minute was not mapped out from morning until night. We sat over dinner talking and sometimes giggling. Actually ‘giggling at the dinner table’ was a big no-no. I still don’t see the logic of that particular rule but there were few, as I said, so I won’t make an issue of it.

Family talk was part of everyday life. We learned about our parents’ lives before we were born (was there really such a time?) and about our grandparents’ lives; we reminisced about past happy days with family and excursions taken in those early days of our childhood. We knew about family because there was time to talk about it. Dinners were not gulped down because one of us had a practice to go to.

My parents occasionally played ‘scrub’ with our friends and us and sometimes came to the creek with us; we picked berries and fruit together and we laughed often.

No doubt part of the reason for this idyllic lifestyle is that we lived in the ‘boonies’. We were not close to organized sports teams and town and school were ten miles away. Did we feel that we were missing out on anything? Perhaps we would have if there had not been other children in the area to play with.

But we improvised and were creative. At one point I attempted to organize a ‘Club’. I was the President and the Secretary because no one else wanted to be the Secretary. We had no need of a Treasurer unless someone was overdue in returning their ‘library’ book but few were interested in my small ‘library’ anyway so it was rarely a problem. I tried to organize a play. This failed miserably. I appeared to be the only one interested in producing a Play. Any limited interest in the ‘Club’ slowly petered out and eventually it disbanded, much to my disappointment.

I later came up with the idea of having a Carnival when I was about 12 years old or so. Making posters, I attached them to telephone poles in the neighbourhood to advertise the event. I wrapped old, small toys for the ‘fishing well’ game; had balloons blown up which people could try to break with darts; I sold ice cream cones, slices of watermelon and Kool Aid. And I sold old toys that my brothers and I no longer wanted.

I raised the money to purchase the ice cream, watermelon and Kool Aid originally by selling huckleberry branches (with the berries still on). I also bought a box of chocolates a couple of times and sold raffle tickets for them. I was fortunate that I didn’t get busted for not having a business license. Also most of the neighbours seemed to be pretty good sports about my entrepreneurial spirit as I heard no complaints about my ‘money earning’ techniques.

The Carnival was a huge success as not only the kids in the neigbourhood came but also many of their parents. I made enough from the Carnival to pay for the lumber so my grandfather could build a clubhouse - a girls only club - though I suspect that the money hardly covered the cost of it at all.

I look back on that Carnival day as a very exciting experience from my childhood. It is a sad thought that the children of today are unlikely to be able to enjoy these innocent adventures of youth because of the constraints of time, safety issues and other things that have taken away freedom from our children.

The Motorhome Experience

After acquiring a motorhome, but having driven nothing much bigger than a Toyota Echo, I was a little concerned about my ability to handle 28 feet of metal traveling along the highway in the company of big-rig trucks. “There’s nothing to it,” those with experience told me. “You just have to watch your back end when you turn a corner,” they added. While these things are true, I felt there must be a whole lot more that they had failed to mention. What about the width, the height, the lack of visibility, my nervousness? They had forgotten to mention those things.

As I climbed behind the wheel for the first time, I looked in the side mirror and was convinced the motorhome was closer to 100 feet long rather than the 28 feet they told us it was when we bought it. Shifting into gear, I inched away from our house while I kept my eyes on all of the mirrors. “Don’t worry about the rear-view mirror,” I was told. I inwardly scoffed. ‘Who had ever heard such nonsense?’

I drove slowly, heading towards an area of quiet streets to do my practicing. Block by block I slowly began to gain confidence and an hour later I felt comfortable enough to drive into a garage for gas. It was easier than I had anticipated. I hadn’t broken out into a sweat and nor had I had any near misses. This certainly wasn’t as bad as I had expected when I lay awake thinking about my ‘maiden’ trip the night before.

With two hours of experience under my belt, we headed for the open highway on our first trip with me as the driver. We were going to be traveling through mountainous terrain. Having always prided myself on taking ‘the bull by the horns’, there was no way those words, ‘I can’t do it’ would ever pass my lips. However, to be on the safe side, another couple followed us for my first experience ‘just in case’ I happened to turn chicken on route.

We traveled the Hope Princeton Highway which is considered to be one of the most difficult roads in the province of British Columbia. I was told when we set off, ‘don’t worry and don’t look down’. I believe they thought those were words to instill confidence in my first-time effort to navigate this highway while driving a motorhome. As we traveled, I kept my eyes on the road; they looked nowhere else.

I began to realize as I drove that ‘voices of experience’ are so comfortable that they forget to tell all they learned as new drivers of a motorhome. There were several things I learned in those first few hours that those experienced drivers didn’t think to tell me.

- In spite of what I was told, the rear-view mirror is a big help. When vehicles traveled too close behind me, I was able to see the tops of their roofs even if I wasn’t able to see them in my side mirrors; so I was aware that someone was traveling much too closely behind me.
- Keeping a firm grip on the steering wheel I found was very important when traveling where big rigs are sharing the road with you. I was surprised to discover that the wind they make as they pass will rock the motorhome. Also, when traveling in open spaces, there is a strong likelihood there will be gusts of wind across the highway and the motorhome could shift quite significantly.
- Steer wide when making right-hand turns.
- Stay at a speed that is comfortable to you. I felt 90 km/h was a comfortable speed to begin with. (When traveling at a consistent speed, gas consumption is also reduced.)
- The small round mirrors on the side mirrors can save your life; they are the ones that will let you know if someone is in your blind spot. Make good use of them.
- Try to angle the vehicle when pulling into traffic in order to get the best view possible of approaching traffic.
- Stay in the slow lane and don’t feel pressured to go faster than you are comfortable with.

When we stopped in Princeton for coffee, our friends told me that if I can drive the Hope-Princeton Highway, I will be able to drive anywhere. I proceeded to our next destination with a lot more confidence than I had when we first began our trip.

Once again the words, ‘I can’t do it’ didn’t pass my lips and I was able to do what I initially thought would be even scarier than a trip to the dentist. After several trips, I now feel very comfortable driving our motorhome.

A Tomboy In Skirts

As a girl, with a mother who believed a girl should look like a girl, I had a serious problem. There were so many maple branches to swing from, trees to climb, hollow stumps to play in and fern fields for building forts. There were also field mice to catch, creeks to explore, bike rides to take, mountains to climb and chickens to chase.

With my skirt tied between my legs was not how my mother envisioned her only daughter; nor were dresses ripped and hemlines hanging. Her words, ‘young ladies don’t swing from maple branches or climb trees’, fell on my deaf ears. Being a ‘young lady’ was not my idea of fun.

Her additional dilemma was the fact that I was the only girl in a neighborhood of boys. She tried, with determination and effort, to make a girly-girl out of me but I strongly rebelled against bows, ruffles and lace. How could a girl become a member of a boys’ group wearing bows and ruffles? A skirt may be overlooked, as long as I could keep up with the boys, but ruffles would have guaranteed my banishment from this elite group forever.

Although I was the only girl in the gang, I was accepted because I could ride a bike as well and as far as any of them did, could keep up when they hiked and I caught as many field mice as the best of them. Admittedly I did have a little trouble trying to put a worm on my hook. The rule was if I wanted to go fishing with them, I had to bait my own line. Shaking slimy creatures that looked as if they had escaped from an alien world onto the ground while trying to stick the hook into them without touching their wiggling bodies was more difficult than I could have imagined and invariably they would fall off into the quick running current of the creek. Losing a worm like that was considered unforgivable, especially when the boys remembered the fact that I had not helped dig the wiggling and squirming creatures from the mud beneath the rocks. After a few lost worms, one of the softer hearted of the boys finally agreed to bait my hook when he saw the hint of tears glistening in my eyes. The catch of my first little trout was an exciting moment and even the boys were impressed. ‘I wasn’t bad for a girl’, they all reluctantly agreed.

From my adult perspective, I feel fortunate that I was allowed to be part of this group of boys and was probably privy to more adventures than the average little girl has before the hormones of the teenage years change the perspective on what is fun and considered worthwhile to be doing.

However, before that gradual change took place we hung out by the river with its deadly currents and whirlpools, where we were not allowed to go; raided corn fields, which would have given our parents heart attacks had they known; climbed the tower on top of the hill which gave us a heavenly view of the valley below, after having climbed over a barbed-wire fence; and had corn roasts with flames leaping high into the late summer skies. We played in the cold creek in the summer when none of us could swim, skated on the frozen lake in the winters sometimes hearing the ice crack behind us as the weather became warmer; and explored the countryside for miles around from morning until night. We climbed our local mountain following animal trails into the dense bush and trees and investigated deserted miners’ shacks and mining equipment. We walked up the logging road, which was forbidden by our parents as well as by the logging company, dodging massive logging trucks as they hurtled down the mountainside weighted down by newly logged trees. We had few rules and fewer that we followed. I had more freedom than I no doubt would have had if I had not been in the company of my brothers and the other boys. My parents considered I was well protected. While it was true that they looked after me, there was none who looked after them as we pursued one crazy idea after another.

As we grew older and the years passed cars took the place of bicycles. We were now able to travel further afield and could drive into the big city exploring unknown territory. During this time I vaguely became aware that a change had begun to take place in how the boys treated me. Most of them, with the exception of my brothers, began not to mind if I had trouble keeping up to them; they patiently waited for me. They didn’t expect me to go on corn raids anymore but I was always invited to the corn roasts and my hook was each and every time baited for me. They never swore in front of me and if someone forgot and did, they were properly chastised by the other members of the group. They began to be quieter and calmer around me, self-consciously doing little favors for me. They began to care what I thought. I was now a different entity. I was no longer quite one of them.

We later began to go to drive-in movies and eventually to house parties when cars became our regular mode of transportation. Around this time, I was also beginning to realize that it was no longer as much fun to be a tomboy and I didn’t want to be ‘one of the boys’ anymore. My brothers were beginning to openly resent my inclusion in activities with ‘their’ friends.

It wasn’t long before I began to be invited on my own, on a ‘date’; it was no longer always the whole group and most often my brothers were not included. They were not impressed with this new status quo.

Make-up, curls and shoes with heels suddenly became very attractive; gone was the ponytail, sneakers and my brothers’ jeans. I now made an effort to cover my freckles. What had I been thinking, I wondered? I could no longer imagine not wanting to look like a girl. Walking in a lady-like fashion took the place of running, fishing lost its appeal, sitting in a tree was a thing of the past and corn roasts were for kids.

‘What happened to her?’ I heard my parents whisper.

I spent hours locked in the bathroom standing before the mirror curling my hair, plucking my eyebrows, worrying about zits or just looking at this girl even I hardly knew. It wasn’t only my parents who wondered where she had come from.

My brothers no longer treated me as they had previously done. “What’s taking you so long?’ they would yell from the other side of the bathroom door. When I’d finally emerge, they’d glare and grumble, “It took you that long to look like this? You wasted your time.”

My brothers and parents no longer seemed to be as pleasant as they once had been; they criticized and complained; their intolerance grew and their patience wore thin. It was a time of disquiet in the household. I couldn’t understand how they could all have changed so drastically.
My hormones had kicked in and my metamorphosis as a girl had begun. My parents now yearned for their tomboy and my brothers wished for another brother; anyone other than someone who spent so much time in the bathroom.

My Mother's Fur Coat

She stood at the edge of the ditch, her fur coat dripping, her hair thick with mud and plastered to her face. She was my mother.

When last I had looked at her walking a few steps behind me she was dressed in her finest; a fur coat inherited from a deceased aunt, brand new rhinestone earrings and her hair newly coiffed. And because it was a rainy evening, she wore her gumboots. Anyone living on a farm knows you don’t wear your best shoes when it’s pouring cats and dogs, no matter what special event it is you are attending. As a child of eight years old, this transformation in my mother was a shock.

Walking with my head tucked into the collar of my coat, leaning into the wind, I had failed to hear her muffled calls for help. But fortunately her friend had. “Sir,” she had called to a passing gentleman, “would you be kind enough to help my friend out of the ditch?”

Time has not dimmed the memory of that man’s expression as he looked first at my mother’s friend, then at me before his eyes finally and reluctantly looked down at the sodden spectacle in the water-filled ditch.

“How did she get there?”

I think now that it was not the first question he should have asked. But to a young child, his question was reasonable and I wanted to know also. I knew without a doubt that if I had ended up in the ditch wearing my very best clothes, I would’ve been in very big trouble and explanations would have been required to more than just this stranger.

“Will you help please, Sir?” she asked again.

Reluctantly he reached down to grab my mother’s muddy outstretched hand. I’m not sure everyone knows this but a fur coat that has been submerged in a water-filled ditch is not the easiest thing to pull up a bank, especially when it has a woman in it who is wearing gumboots filled with water.

Eventually with a lot of grunting and groaning, on the part of the stranger, the two of them managed to pull my mother to the top of the ditch.

“Thank you Sir,” my mother stammered to the man’s quickly retreating back.

Together we slogged to where the special event was going to be held and made a bee-line for the washroom. As my mother and her friend attempted to squeeze the water out of the fur coat, they began to giggle. Tears actually ran down their faces in their mirth. I couldn’t believe it. Now if I had ended up in a ditch and then giggled, I really would’ve been in big, big trouble.

My mother used paper towels in an attempt to dry her hair but the mud stayed. They emptied the gumboots of water. And still they giggled. (I don’t know if anyone knows this either but wet fur coats smell like wet dogs. So while they giggled, I gagged.)

“Well we’ve got to see the show,” my mother insisted. “We’ve come all this way and we have to wait to get the bus home anyway.”

“Yes,” her friend sensibly agreed.

With a last glance in the mirror, her hair not looking a whole lot better than when she had first been dragged out of the ditch, we left the washroom.

At eight years old, I had not as yet developed any great understanding for my mother’s predicament. In fact I felt very embarrassed to be walking down the aisle behind this disheveled looking woman who people might realize was my mother.

Now as an adult, I have to give her kudos when I think of her walking to her seat with squelching gumboots, her hair still in muddy wet strings, carrying a dripping fur coat but still wearing her brand new rhinestone earrings.

My mother’s memory of that evening is somewhat different to mine.

She does not remember giggling – at all. She remembers very definitely that it was not a laughing matter. She remembers going too close to the edge of the ditch and sliding much too quickly into the freezing, muddy water. So now I finally have my answer to that stranger’s long-ago question.

She also remembers a very long evening in very wet clothes and wet feet but with a smile plastered onto her face like the mud in her hair.

The fur coat was never quite the same either. It certainly was no longer wearable to special events anymore even by someone as practical as my mother.