Adjusting to Living in a Blended Family

Blended families don't have to be the Cinderella type of family but they're not likely to be the Brady Bunch either. At least, certainly not in the beginning and maybe not even after several years of togetherness.

Common sense will be one of the necessary prerequisites for successfully blending a family. This includes being kind to each other, as we are with friends and even those we've just met. Why then not with those in our stepfamily? Treat others as you would like to be treated, be polite, be respectful, try to be understanding of each others feelings, be patient and don't lose your temper. Would you lose your temper with a work colleague or a classmate? Be willing to try to get along, have a good attitude, be positive and be accepting. And be sure to offer praise even if what you are praising is not as good as you wanted it to be, praise the effort instead. Be forgiving.

The quote, 'United we stand, divided we fall', has been used by many throughout history. This is an apt quote for a blended family to remember to help them work together. It will also be important to have house rules – the same for everyone, parents included. Other things that are important when trying to blend two families together is to encourage laughter, try not to allow scenarios that may set step-siblings up to be competitive, i.e.: have an equal amount of pictures displayed of all the children in the house. (you may think no one is going to count but they will); make sure that all children have equally nice rooms, have equal opportunities for conversation and equal praise or at the very least encouragement.

Other things which will help with the transition is to be courteous, talk with each stepchild about their interests so some type of rapport over time can be developed and, encourage positive dinner discussions, i.e.: about school, their friends, what they'd like to do, where they'd like to go, etc.

Ensure that the house is full of love and that affection is readily shown. With children it is the little things that count, things such as a smile, a gentle touch, a kind word, blowing a kiss, respecting their abilities and of course, telling them you love them often. Children who know they are loved don't have to prove their worth, they will develop self-esteem and have confidence. Those are the children who are better able to work through changes in their lives.

As time goes by, many families with stepchildren will be close-knit. But like any family, there may be tensions and problems, but this is normal. How it's handled will be the difference in whether it is a big problem or a small one.

I believe the following quote by Scott Stanley is a perfect motto for a blended family: 'The challenge is to help couples turn 'I do' into 'we can'.'

Another quote by Ruth Bell Graham is a good one to remember also: 'A good marriage is the union of two forgivers.'

How To Bond With Stepchildren

Bonding with stepchildren is not easy. It should be set at the child's pace. Don't rush the child, give him/her time and be patient. But there are still many things a step-parent can do to bond with their stepchildren.

It will take time to get to know your stepchildren so that you can eventually love them – love takes time to grow. But you can still be affectionate, if not physically then by telling a child what a good job they did, how proud you are of them and thanking them for things they have done. Some children are not comfortable with physical affection but will thrive on the praise you give them. Let the child establish how much hands-on affection they are comfortable with. Give children space and time. Keep an open heart and realistic expectations.

It is important to give stepchildren time alone with their biological parent, allow them to keep their loyalties for their non-custodial biological parent and never criticize that parent. Respect the child's boundaries and don't appear to be disapproving – you can't force a child's affection. Let the child set the pace for your relationship. Often the relationship between the child and his biological parent will determine to a degree how well the step-parent will be able to bond.

Step-parents will likely bond with younger children more easily than with their older siblings. It has been suggested that children under five years of age may take a couple of years to adjust to a step-parent but older children could take the amount of time as the age they are, i.e.: a seven year old boy could take seven years to feel a connection with a step-parent. Teenagers may never bond; a friendship may be the best a step-parent will be able to expect. But with realistic expectations, this can be good too.

Be interested in what they're interested in, offer to assist them with their homework but don't push, share your talents and skills with your stepchildren if they are interested but again, don't insist. Do fun things together and treat all children equally, both biological and stepchildren. Each child should appear to be loved, honored and respected as much as the other one.

Some of the things that can cause problems with bonding is if there is step-sibling rivalry, if the step-parent feels rejected and resentment builds against the child, if the step-parent has unrealistic expectations or if there is very different parenting styles, especially if the step-parent is considerably stricter than the biological parent. Difficulties could also arise if there are problems between the biological parent and the step-parent. If the stepchildren realize their biological parent is not getting along with their step-parent, the reasoning of the child may be, why should they.

Try solo outings doing something the child would like to do. However, the child may choose not to do so but don't give up asking and don't feel rejected if the answer is no. Be loving but not intrusive. When there begins to be a shared history and a respect for personal differences, they are the first steps along the road to bonding.

How to Deal With Stepfamily Problems

To deal with stepfamily issues, it is necessary to have realistic expectations, open communication and have a positive attitude. Blended families are a challenging experience so love, patience and mutual respect are paramount.

For children there is the worry about living with step-siblings, concern about their relationship with a step-parent but also how the marriage will affect their relationship with their own parent. It will take work and time to feel comfortable and to be able to function together as a family.

For the parents, it will be important to start planning well before the wedding day; to lay the foundations for their new family; to give everyone a chance to get to know each other; to allow the children to get used to the idea of a remarriage and to establish somewhat of a relationship with their stepchildren before the marriage takes place.

It is a good idea to try to experience some real life situations together, not just fun times before the marriage. It will be important to parent from the same page, i.e.: make sure to discuss your parenting styles and agree on important issues before you make that big step. Parents should show a united front with the children.

It will be important to have realistic expectations and not to expect too much in the beginning. Respect for everyone in the family should be the first rule. Have consistent rules and discipline consistently and be fair with chores and allowances with all children. Be non-judgmental, positive, unified, establish trust and do things together. Discuss rules and expected boundaries with all of the children. In the beginning, the biological parent should be mainly responsible for the discipline and the step-parent can function in a friend capacity role until solid bonds have been established and trust in the relationship has been developed.

Changes in family traditions can be problematic to young children especially. Try to keep some of the traditions that your children were used to and also establish rituals and traditions of your own for the new family. Children want to feel secure, safe, loved, valued and appreciated. To do this it will be important to show a lot of affection, be consistent and to have firm boundaries.

Having a successful blended family will also mean having a solid and loving couple relationship. It will be important not to fight in front of the children and to show a unified, affectionate relationship with each other as well. Children are very adept at locating the chinks in a relationship and may possibly work at the cracks they see in their new family structure. This will especially be the case if they are not altogether happy with the new status quo.

Stepfamilies can be successful but the comfort of the original family will not happen right away. It will take time for the new family members to get to know each other, to trust each other and to realize that they really are a family.

Balancing Work and Family As a Single Parent

It is important to balance work and family as a parent, but especially if you are a single parent. Your children have only you so time spent with them is very important. While not easy, it can be done even by a single parent when money is almost always on the short side.

The following are some of the ways balancing work and family can be done:

- try and reduce the time spent traveling to work or get a daycare closer to your job. This will cut down on the time you are away from home;
- cut back on your work hours and find other ways of making money by working out of your home, i.e.: babysitting other children, typing up resumes, typing college student's essays, giving art lessons or using whatever other talents you may have. When I was single I had an in-my-home ceramic class three evenings a week and a daycare, at different times;
- to free up time that can be spent with your family, enlist their help with household tasks and then play a game with them, read them a story, take a walk in the park or watch a video together;
- prioritize your time so that any free time can be spent with your family;
- choose what is important in your life. What is it you really need? Do you need that extra dress or is time spent with your children more important?
- have increased savings by reducing what you use so there is no waste, i.e.: don't cook more than you eat at a meal especially if no one will eat leftovers;
- reuse, i.e.: gift paper, bows and ribbon, reuse something old for another purpose;
- recycle by buying second-hand, passing down or trading children's clothes with friends and neighbors;
- look for bargains – get the best deal you can;
- buy only what you need. Know the difference between need and desire.

Children will feel loved and nurtured if you are involved in their lives as much as possible. Include 'I love you' notes in their lunches. They will know you are thinking about them and will feel closer to you as a result. When you are home, turn off the television and talk to your children while you are preparing the meals, eating, getting ready for bed and while you are driving to daycare or school. At bedtime make sure to have enough time for a story and a cuddle. Sometimes good quality time will replace, to a certain extent, quantity time.

It is important to make good choices in order to balance work and family. Work together with your children for solutions to make it work. The fact that you are showing them you want to spend more time with them will be very important to them. Have a routine, organize and keep things simple.

It is important also to remember that you must stay healthy for your family because again, you are the only one. You can do this by getting sufficient sleep, having a proper diet, having some relaxing and de-stress time by exercising, jogging or doing yoga and meditating. It's also important to keep in contact with friends and other family members so that you have a supportive network.

Parenting and Society's Social Problems

Poor parenting skills can cause an assortment of emotional and behavioral problems with young children that will have an effect on their elementary school, middle school and high school performances as well as their well-being as they grow into adulthood.

Poor parents include those who fail to connect with their children. Some don't because they don't know how, others because they don't care and still others because they are too busy doing things they feel are more important. Of course, there are others still who are busy trying to exist, sometimes working two jobs and trying to raise their children as best they can.

For those parents who could make the time, putting their children in front of the t.v., not limiting their screen times, who don't wish to do anything their children want to do, have no interest in what their children are interested in, who scream, hit and humiliate their children; this is dysfunction. They are not being a loving parent. Poor parenting causes problems within the school system and can cause substance abuse in their children as early as their young teenage years.

Negative and poor parenting includes spoiling children. They should not have everything they want. They should realize that there are limits and boundaries. Also emotional abuse will affect their self-esteem and is as bad as physical abuse except that it doesn't show as bruises on the body. But its affects will last a lifetime.

Allowing bad behavior in young children in effect encourages and reinforces their behavior if they are not given proper guidelines to follow. This can cause bullying behavior in children as young as two or three years old. Bad behavior in young children can only be placed at the feet of their parents. In most cases the child has been neglected, badly treated or no boundaries have been set although they may have in their possession every material possession they could possibly want. Oftentimes parents whose children display unacceptable behavior have not given firm boundaries and do not discourage their children's poor behavior.

How can you be a good parent to your children? The following are some of the ways to do it:

- respect your child and show them at all times that you love them;
- with respect and fairness;
- expect respect in return and teach polite behavior;
- teach by example – be a good role model for your children by action and words;
- help your children to be responsible;
- help them to develop good self-esteem and confidence;
- give praise when they have done a good job or at least have tried their best;
- laugh and have fun with your children;
- help them make good choices;
- encourage their unique interests, i.e.: a talent in art, music or sports;
- ensure that rules are fair;
- don't stint on the hugs and kisses and tell your children often that you love them.

Some suggest that the children of single parent families are the cause of the far-reaching problems with children and society. I suggest that poor parenting skills are not limited to single parent families. But whether we're a single parent or not, good parenting skills can be had by all with a little effort and a lot of love.

The Joys and the Stress of Parenting

Do you parent as your parents did? Or have you found your own way of parenting? To parent well is one of the most important things we have to do in life. Unfortunately, it is a task that too many people put too little thought into, thinking that being a good parent will happen naturally.

Some people do not care for the way they were parented so will choose to parent to the other extreme, i.e.: they may have had what they believed were overly strict parents so they will choose to be overly permissive. Some will choose to get their parenting advice from friends who themselves are trying to learn how to parent, others will read books or search the internet, take parenting classes or perhaps they will ask someone who has successfully raised their children for ideas on how best to parent.

What could be considered successfully raising a child to adulthood? What do we hope our child will grow up being? Most of us would answer that we would like them to be happy, responsible, productive, good members of society and ones we can be proud to call our children.

How do we do this? We must ensure that we parent positively by being nurturing and caring, loving unconditionally, by giving guidance and to discipline with love and respect.

Our children, in order for them to have confidence and self-esteem, must know that they have our support and that we are there for them. For us to be able to do this we have to take time for ourselves. And although parenting can be joyful and rewarding, it can also be stressful when combined with work and other outside tensions. It is important to learn how to cope with this stress. We can do this by learning to be calm, exercising to unwind and doing things for ourselves, i.e.: reading a good book, watching a funny movie, having a chat with a good friend or enjoying a special hobby.

It is important to remember also that each child is unique and what works for one may not work for the next one. When I was raising my five children, the two things I found that helped me through stressful times were patience and having a sense of humor. And the best tool of all is distraction. When a child is upset about something, get them interested in something else.

Parenting can be difficult at times, but it's certainly worth the effort.

Depression in the Elderly

Depression is quite common in the elderly but it can be avoided and can certainly be controlled and eventually eliminated with proper safeguards. Feeling sad occasionally is normal but feeling as if hope is gone and there is no joy is depression.

In the elderly, unfortunately, depression is sometimes confused with dementia. The differences between the two include cognitive symptoms, language and motor difficulties and behavioral issues. With depression there is a negative view of daily life and memory lapses while hiding memory problems is consistent with the early stages of dementia. It is important with your elderly parent to get a correct diagnosis by having cognitive testing done.

The following are some of the causes of depression in the elderly:

- death of a spouse;
- health issues;
- not enjoying life as they once did;
- loneliness and isolation;
- some medical conditions such as Parkinson's Disease, stroke, cancer, multiple sclerosis, heart disease, dementia and Alzheimer's Disease;
- also prescription medications such as some sleeping pills, tranquilizers, estrogen and heart drugs can cause depression;
- alcohol is also a known depressant.

The following are some of the symptoms of depression:

- inability to function as they once did;
- feelings of extreme guilt;
- aches, pains and fatigue;
- their physical health may become worse;
--memory and concentration may have deteriorated;
- they have lost interest in activities they once enjoyed;
- they feel hopeless;
- it is difficult to get up in the morning;
- they have thoughts of suicide;
- their appetite, energy, sleep and relationships have been affected;
- they have suffered weight loss;
- may have withdrawn socially;
- they display slowed movement or speech;
- they have become irritable.

The following are some ways to help eliminate depression:

- take walks or get some exercise;
- interact with others, i.e.: go to the park, have lunch with a friend, go shopping or go to the hairdressers;
- try to renew an interest in a once-loved hobby;
- get a pet, even if it's a goldfish or a bird;
- watch a funny movie or read a humorous book;
- eat a healthy diet;
- join a support group;
- get supportive counseling;
- see a doctor and get proper medication.

Family members will need to help to ensure that their aging parent receives the help he/she needs by making sure that they take their medication as required, eat a good diet, keep appointments with their doctor and are not isolated. This will be very important because someone suffering from depression, especially a senior, will not be able to do it on their own. They will need help to become healthy and to be able to enjoy life again.

What Is A Living Will?

A Living Will is about dying with dignity. It takes the pressure off family members to have to make difficult decisions regarding the care of their loved one at a time when they are already having a difficult time emotionally. It is a legal document.

What does a Living Will contain:

- it is written instructions about the level of medical treatment a person wishes if they can not state their wishes verbally themselves;
- a person can be specific as to what treatment they want depending on the condition they are it;
- it can specify that extra, or heroic measures are not to be taken;
- it may state that they only be kept as comfortable as possible;
- it can specify if they wish their organs donated;
- it can specify who they want to oversee their wishes when they are incapable of doing so;
- it may state that a person does not want life sustaining medical procedures done by health care providers;
- it can state their wish not to be kept alive through artificial or extraordinary means.

Living Wills deal with health and personal care and are used during a person's lifetime only. It is similar to a Power of Attorney that deals with financial matters and things relating to legal issues but different from your Last Will and Testament. It will provide guidance and will release medical practitioners from legal and ethical repercussions when cure is impossible. It also prevents guilt and disagreement among family members. There will be no second-guessing what your loved one may have wanted because it will be stated clearly what the patient wished done.

Living Wills should be updated from time-to-time because with advances in medical science, what was once a heroic measure may later become a routine procedure. Physical disability does not render a patient incapable of making a decision. Living Wills should also be changed as a patient's health changes and should be discussed with their family doctor. A copy should be given to their doctor and closest family member.

My mother had a Living Will stating her wishes not to be kept alive by artificial means and to use no heroic measures to prolong her life. Her wishes were that she be kept as comfortable as possible. After hospital staff told me she had only a matter of days, they asked me whether I wanted her taken back to the hospital from the convalescent home. The convalescent home was a lovely place where she could look out into the beautiful garden, if she had wished, and the staff so caring, I felt it was the best place for her and said no. I gave them a copy of her Living Will and any further decisions necessary were taken from my hands.

A Living Will is a health care directive stating a patient's wishes which will legally be adhered to and respected. It ensures that care will prevail.

Feelings of Guilt When Our Parents Go Into An Assisted Living Facility

When it is necessary for our elderly parents to go into an Assisted Living facility, we may feel that we are not doing what we should be doing; that we are shrugging off our responsibilities when we place their care in another person's hands. And sometimes this is only the beginning of our feelings of guilt.

When my mother began having falls and was having difficulty remembering to take her numerous medications three times a day, we discussed the idea of an Assisted Living facility. My mother and I spent several days checking out various places and she was put on a list for three of the ones she liked the best. And then she settled back and thought she probably had about two years before she'd have to leave her home. But the call came in just three months time.

My mother was strong-willed and extremely independent. She dug in her heels and decided that it was too soon. But it was her favorite place because it was less than one year old and offered an on-the-premise grocery store. We went to visit it again and after meeting some of the people who lived there and the staff, she agreed. Until it came time to pack up her things and then she dug in her heels again.

And that's when guilt came again to weigh heavily on my shoulders. My feelings of ambivalence jumped to the fore. Was it really for the best? Was she going to feel abandoned? When our elderly parents are least able to do things for themselves, they are expected to meet new people, make new friends, get used to a new environment and become accustomed to new ways of doing things. Admittedly, it is a difficult challenge for them but there are often few other viable options available.

On the one hand we know that it is the best solution because they will get better medical care, there are more social opportunities, they are closely monitored and the facility has the means to take better care of your elderly loved one than you can. And also when we remember that the decision-making abilities of the elderly are not as good as they once were, we know it is the best thing to do.

But knowing that doesn't stop us from feeling we're not doing as much as we should be doing. We suffer with feelings of inadequacy, guilt over not making as many phone calls as they would like us to make, trying to get them to do what they don't want to do, i.e.: drink more fluids or eat more fruit, or things like doing chores for my mother while on a visit. She did not consider it a visit even when I had spent several hours chatting with her while I was working.

As the only daughter and the one who took her to her appointments, did her chores and looked after her, I was also the one who bore the brunt of her anger. Her anger and frustration always left me feeling as if I hadn't done enough for her. This led to extreme feelings of guilt. Could I do more? But often I wasn't sure what was expected of me.

Added to that was my mother's fear of getting dementia which led to more anger when her memory failed. But when I took her to a Gerontologist doctor who suggested medication, it just fueled her anger. The burden seemed to be on me to help her feel better but I didn't know how because I agreed with the doctor that she should have medication.

My mother has since passed away. With much soul searching I have decided that I had done the best I could with what I had available to me. I do believe the Assisted Living facility was good for her. And on her good days, she loved it there and was very happy with the staff and her surroundings.

For those who are going through this difficult situation and have feelings of guilt riding on their shoulders, it is very helpful to talk to others who are dealing with the same situation. I believe there are few of us who do not at some time or another feel guilty with decisions that have been forced upon us when caring for our elderly parents. If we know that we are doing the best we can, we can do no more.

The Elderly and Assisted Living

Assisted living is a fact for many seniors. As they become less able to do things for themselves, living in a facility where assistance is given as required, makes things easier not only for them but also takes the worry away from their family.

The benefits of assisted living for the elderly is the specialized assistance with daily activities such as bathing, dressing, putting on support stockings, medication management, ensuring that they have nutritionally balanced meals by providing meals in a communal dining room and providing trained nurses.

Other benefits of assisted living are weekly housekeeping, often a hair salon is available or at least the services of a hairdresser and a manicurist as well as someone who will cut their toe nails, a grocery store and a weekly linen service. Additionally, their health, safety and well-being are closely monitored.

There is also organized recreation in many facilities offering such things as movie nights, pub nights, bus trips, weekly entertainment, celebrations for Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas, etc. There are also often card games, knitting groups, crossword puzzle gatherings and other outlets available so that seniors will not be lonely or feel isolated. It is an opportunity to make new friends and talk to others which may have been lacking when they were living on their own. Often pets are welcome too as was the case where my mother lived.

Most assisted living facilities offer self-contained private units. My mother had a large studio apartment with a small kitchenette with cupboards, sink, counter space, a fridge and a microwave. It was all she needed since meals were offered. And she had a separate bathroom large enough to accommodate using her walker. The common area where she lived had a piano which converted to a player piano for those who couldn't play. Often various people would gather around the piano and sing.

Assisted Living facilities are ideal for those who are no longer able to live independently but do not require the care that a nursing home offers. According to statistics, the average age of residents is eighty-seven years, women outnumber men three to one and the average length of stay is approximately twenty-eight months. Often after this period of time it is necessary for them to move on to the next level of care. In some facilities the various levels of care are in either the same building or in an attached one so there isn't a huge adjustment for them to make when they are moved.

My mother enjoyed the time she spent at this facility. It was obvious even to her family members that those who worked there were there because they enjoyed working with the elderly. They went well above and beyond in their care for the seniors.

Assisted living is an excellent solution to the care of your aging parent. There is no worry as there is when they are living alone that they will fall and there is no one there to look after them.

Spending Time With Your Family at the Assisted Living Facility

Is it better to spend time with your aging parent at an Assisted Living facility or to take them out somewhere? This is a difficult question and depends on the circumstances.

What are some of the things that should be considered?

- If your elderly parent is difficult to manage on your own because of mobility issues, it is safer to visit them at the facility to ensure that they don't fall or trip and especially if you have difficulty getting them in and out of your car. Or take someone else with you to help if their mobility is limited.
- If they are in the adjustment period after recently moving into an assisted living facility and they are not happy about it, perhaps it is better to visit them there and help them get adjusted to their new surroundings, i.e.: getting them involved and talking to others, ensure that they know their way around, help them feel settled in their own apartment and help them get to know what all is available to them.
- But I do think it's very important to make sure that they have the opportunity to attend all family functions so they don't think they have been abandoned and forgotten.
- After they have adjusted to their new environment they would probably enjoy being taken out to lunch or dinner occasionally or on a shopping excursion.
- Try to keep the family interaction as similar to what it was before your aging parent went into the Assisted Living facility.

If I had my grandchildren with me when I visited my mother, she wanted to go downstairs to the common area so she could show them off to everyone. She occasionally liked to go to the store but as her mobility became more limited, it became very difficult for me to take her. She railed against a wheelchair as much as she had initially objected to a walker. My son occasionally took her but we always made sure that she got to the family functions – every birthday and every celebration.

An Assisted living facility can be a wonderful place for those who take advantage of all that they have to offer. Initially my mother did this until her health began to deteriorate. At this point she felt that she almost didn't want to make the effort anymore to go anywhere. It is also a good alternative when independent living is no longer feasible. For family members it is a stress reliever because we know that our elderly parents are being well looked after and as happy as can be with their new phase in life.