Parenting and Society's Social Problems

Poor parenting skills can cause an assortment of emotional and behavioral problems with young children that will have an effect on their elementary school, middle school and high school performances as well as their well-being as they grow into adulthood.

Poor parents include those who fail to connect with their children. Some don't because they don't know how, others because they don't care and still others because they are too busy doing things they feel are more important. Of course, there are others still who are busy trying to exist, sometimes working two jobs and trying to raise their children as best they can.

For those parents who could make the time, putting their children in front of the t.v., not limiting their screen times, who don't wish to do anything their children want to do, have no interest in what their children are interested in, who scream, hit and humiliate their children; this is dysfunction. They are not being a loving parent. Poor parenting causes problems within the school system and can cause substance abuse in their children as early as their young teenage years.

Negative and poor parenting includes spoiling children. They should not have everything they want. They should realize that there are limits and boundaries. Also emotional abuse will affect their self-esteem and is as bad as physical abuse except that it doesn't show as bruises on the body. But its affects will last a lifetime.

Allowing bad behavior in young children in effect encourages and reinforces their behavior if they are not given proper guidelines to follow. This can cause bullying behavior in children as young as two or three years old. Bad behavior in young children can only be placed at the feet of their parents. In most cases the child has been neglected, badly treated or no boundaries have been set although they may have in their possession every material possession they could possibly want. Oftentimes parents whose children display unacceptable behavior have not given firm boundaries and do not discourage their children's poor behavior.

How can you be a good parent to your children? The following are some of the ways to do it:

- respect your child and show them at all times that you love them;
- with respect and fairness;
- expect respect in return and teach polite behavior;
- teach by example – be a good role model for your children by action and words;
- help your children to be responsible;
- help them to develop good self-esteem and confidence;
- give praise when they have done a good job or at least have tried their best;
- laugh and have fun with your children;
- help them make good choices;
- encourage their unique interests, i.e.: a talent in art, music or sports;
- ensure that rules are fair;
- don't stint on the hugs and kisses and tell your children often that you love them.

Some suggest that the children of single parent families are the cause of the far-reaching problems with children and society. I suggest that poor parenting skills are not limited to single parent families. But whether we're a single parent or not, good parenting skills can be had by all with a little effort and a lot of love.

The Joys and the Stress of Parenting

Do you parent as your parents did? Or have you found your own way of parenting? To parent well is one of the most important things we have to do in life. Unfortunately, it is a task that too many people put too little thought into, thinking that being a good parent will happen naturally.

Some people do not care for the way they were parented so will choose to parent to the other extreme, i.e.: they may have had what they believed were overly strict parents so they will choose to be overly permissive. Some will choose to get their parenting advice from friends who themselves are trying to learn how to parent, others will read books or search the internet, take parenting classes or perhaps they will ask someone who has successfully raised their children for ideas on how best to parent.

What could be considered successfully raising a child to adulthood? What do we hope our child will grow up being? Most of us would answer that we would like them to be happy, responsible, productive, good members of society and ones we can be proud to call our children.

How do we do this? We must ensure that we parent positively by being nurturing and caring, loving unconditionally, by giving guidance and to discipline with love and respect.

Our children, in order for them to have confidence and self-esteem, must know that they have our support and that we are there for them. For us to be able to do this we have to take time for ourselves. And although parenting can be joyful and rewarding, it can also be stressful when combined with work and other outside tensions. It is important to learn how to cope with this stress. We can do this by learning to be calm, exercising to unwind and doing things for ourselves, i.e.: reading a good book, watching a funny movie, having a chat with a good friend or enjoying a special hobby.

It is important to remember also that each child is unique and what works for one may not work for the next one. When I was raising my five children, the two things I found that helped me through stressful times were patience and having a sense of humor. And the best tool of all is distraction. When a child is upset about something, get them interested in something else.

Parenting can be difficult at times, but it's certainly worth the effort.

Depression in the Elderly

Depression is quite common in the elderly but it can be avoided and can certainly be controlled and eventually eliminated with proper safeguards. Feeling sad occasionally is normal but feeling as if hope is gone and there is no joy is depression.

In the elderly, unfortunately, depression is sometimes confused with dementia. The differences between the two include cognitive symptoms, language and motor difficulties and behavioral issues. With depression there is a negative view of daily life and memory lapses while hiding memory problems is consistent with the early stages of dementia. It is important with your elderly parent to get a correct diagnosis by having cognitive testing done.

The following are some of the causes of depression in the elderly:

- death of a spouse;
- health issues;
- not enjoying life as they once did;
- loneliness and isolation;
- some medical conditions such as Parkinson's Disease, stroke, cancer, multiple sclerosis, heart disease, dementia and Alzheimer's Disease;
- also prescription medications such as some sleeping pills, tranquilizers, estrogen and heart drugs can cause depression;
- alcohol is also a known depressant.

The following are some of the symptoms of depression:

- inability to function as they once did;
- feelings of extreme guilt;
- aches, pains and fatigue;
- their physical health may become worse;
--memory and concentration may have deteriorated;
- they have lost interest in activities they once enjoyed;
- they feel hopeless;
- it is difficult to get up in the morning;
- they have thoughts of suicide;
- their appetite, energy, sleep and relationships have been affected;
- they have suffered weight loss;
- may have withdrawn socially;
- they display slowed movement or speech;
- they have become irritable.

The following are some ways to help eliminate depression:

- take walks or get some exercise;
- interact with others, i.e.: go to the park, have lunch with a friend, go shopping or go to the hairdressers;
- try to renew an interest in a once-loved hobby;
- get a pet, even if it's a goldfish or a bird;
- watch a funny movie or read a humorous book;
- eat a healthy diet;
- join a support group;
- get supportive counseling;
- see a doctor and get proper medication.

Family members will need to help to ensure that their aging parent receives the help he/she needs by making sure that they take their medication as required, eat a good diet, keep appointments with their doctor and are not isolated. This will be very important because someone suffering from depression, especially a senior, will not be able to do it on their own. They will need help to become healthy and to be able to enjoy life again.

What Is A Living Will?

A Living Will is about dying with dignity. It takes the pressure off family members to have to make difficult decisions regarding the care of their loved one at a time when they are already having a difficult time emotionally. It is a legal document.

What does a Living Will contain:

- it is written instructions about the level of medical treatment a person wishes if they can not state their wishes verbally themselves;
- a person can be specific as to what treatment they want depending on the condition they are it;
- it can specify that extra, or heroic measures are not to be taken;
- it may state that they only be kept as comfortable as possible;
- it can specify if they wish their organs donated;
- it can specify who they want to oversee their wishes when they are incapable of doing so;
- it may state that a person does not want life sustaining medical procedures done by health care providers;
- it can state their wish not to be kept alive through artificial or extraordinary means.

Living Wills deal with health and personal care and are used during a person's lifetime only. It is similar to a Power of Attorney that deals with financial matters and things relating to legal issues but different from your Last Will and Testament. It will provide guidance and will release medical practitioners from legal and ethical repercussions when cure is impossible. It also prevents guilt and disagreement among family members. There will be no second-guessing what your loved one may have wanted because it will be stated clearly what the patient wished done.

Living Wills should be updated from time-to-time because with advances in medical science, what was once a heroic measure may later become a routine procedure. Physical disability does not render a patient incapable of making a decision. Living Wills should also be changed as a patient's health changes and should be discussed with their family doctor. A copy should be given to their doctor and closest family member.

My mother had a Living Will stating her wishes not to be kept alive by artificial means and to use no heroic measures to prolong her life. Her wishes were that she be kept as comfortable as possible. After hospital staff told me she had only a matter of days, they asked me whether I wanted her taken back to the hospital from the convalescent home. The convalescent home was a lovely place where she could look out into the beautiful garden, if she had wished, and the staff so caring, I felt it was the best place for her and said no. I gave them a copy of her Living Will and any further decisions necessary were taken from my hands.

A Living Will is a health care directive stating a patient's wishes which will legally be adhered to and respected. It ensures that care will prevail.

Feelings of Guilt When Our Parents Go Into An Assisted Living Facility

When it is necessary for our elderly parents to go into an Assisted Living facility, we may feel that we are not doing what we should be doing; that we are shrugging off our responsibilities when we place their care in another person's hands. And sometimes this is only the beginning of our feelings of guilt.

When my mother began having falls and was having difficulty remembering to take her numerous medications three times a day, we discussed the idea of an Assisted Living facility. My mother and I spent several days checking out various places and she was put on a list for three of the ones she liked the best. And then she settled back and thought she probably had about two years before she'd have to leave her home. But the call came in just three months time.

My mother was strong-willed and extremely independent. She dug in her heels and decided that it was too soon. But it was her favorite place because it was less than one year old and offered an on-the-premise grocery store. We went to visit it again and after meeting some of the people who lived there and the staff, she agreed. Until it came time to pack up her things and then she dug in her heels again.

And that's when guilt came again to weigh heavily on my shoulders. My feelings of ambivalence jumped to the fore. Was it really for the best? Was she going to feel abandoned? When our elderly parents are least able to do things for themselves, they are expected to meet new people, make new friends, get used to a new environment and become accustomed to new ways of doing things. Admittedly, it is a difficult challenge for them but there are often few other viable options available.

On the one hand we know that it is the best solution because they will get better medical care, there are more social opportunities, they are closely monitored and the facility has the means to take better care of your elderly loved one than you can. And also when we remember that the decision-making abilities of the elderly are not as good as they once were, we know it is the best thing to do.

But knowing that doesn't stop us from feeling we're not doing as much as we should be doing. We suffer with feelings of inadequacy, guilt over not making as many phone calls as they would like us to make, trying to get them to do what they don't want to do, i.e.: drink more fluids or eat more fruit, or things like doing chores for my mother while on a visit. She did not consider it a visit even when I had spent several hours chatting with her while I was working.

As the only daughter and the one who took her to her appointments, did her chores and looked after her, I was also the one who bore the brunt of her anger. Her anger and frustration always left me feeling as if I hadn't done enough for her. This led to extreme feelings of guilt. Could I do more? But often I wasn't sure what was expected of me.

Added to that was my mother's fear of getting dementia which led to more anger when her memory failed. But when I took her to a Gerontologist doctor who suggested medication, it just fueled her anger. The burden seemed to be on me to help her feel better but I didn't know how because I agreed with the doctor that she should have medication.

My mother has since passed away. With much soul searching I have decided that I had done the best I could with what I had available to me. I do believe the Assisted Living facility was good for her. And on her good days, she loved it there and was very happy with the staff and her surroundings.

For those who are going through this difficult situation and have feelings of guilt riding on their shoulders, it is very helpful to talk to others who are dealing with the same situation. I believe there are few of us who do not at some time or another feel guilty with decisions that have been forced upon us when caring for our elderly parents. If we know that we are doing the best we can, we can do no more.

The Elderly and Assisted Living

Assisted living is a fact for many seniors. As they become less able to do things for themselves, living in a facility where assistance is given as required, makes things easier not only for them but also takes the worry away from their family.

The benefits of assisted living for the elderly is the specialized assistance with daily activities such as bathing, dressing, putting on support stockings, medication management, ensuring that they have nutritionally balanced meals by providing meals in a communal dining room and providing trained nurses.

Other benefits of assisted living are weekly housekeeping, often a hair salon is available or at least the services of a hairdresser and a manicurist as well as someone who will cut their toe nails, a grocery store and a weekly linen service. Additionally, their health, safety and well-being are closely monitored.

There is also organized recreation in many facilities offering such things as movie nights, pub nights, bus trips, weekly entertainment, celebrations for Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas, etc. There are also often card games, knitting groups, crossword puzzle gatherings and other outlets available so that seniors will not be lonely or feel isolated. It is an opportunity to make new friends and talk to others which may have been lacking when they were living on their own. Often pets are welcome too as was the case where my mother lived.

Most assisted living facilities offer self-contained private units. My mother had a large studio apartment with a small kitchenette with cupboards, sink, counter space, a fridge and a microwave. It was all she needed since meals were offered. And she had a separate bathroom large enough to accommodate using her walker. The common area where she lived had a piano which converted to a player piano for those who couldn't play. Often various people would gather around the piano and sing.

Assisted Living facilities are ideal for those who are no longer able to live independently but do not require the care that a nursing home offers. According to statistics, the average age of residents is eighty-seven years, women outnumber men three to one and the average length of stay is approximately twenty-eight months. Often after this period of time it is necessary for them to move on to the next level of care. In some facilities the various levels of care are in either the same building or in an attached one so there isn't a huge adjustment for them to make when they are moved.

My mother enjoyed the time she spent at this facility. It was obvious even to her family members that those who worked there were there because they enjoyed working with the elderly. They went well above and beyond in their care for the seniors.

Assisted living is an excellent solution to the care of your aging parent. There is no worry as there is when they are living alone that they will fall and there is no one there to look after them.

Spending Time With Your Family at the Assisted Living Facility

Is it better to spend time with your aging parent at an Assisted Living facility or to take them out somewhere? This is a difficult question and depends on the circumstances.

What are some of the things that should be considered?

- If your elderly parent is difficult to manage on your own because of mobility issues, it is safer to visit them at the facility to ensure that they don't fall or trip and especially if you have difficulty getting them in and out of your car. Or take someone else with you to help if their mobility is limited.
- If they are in the adjustment period after recently moving into an assisted living facility and they are not happy about it, perhaps it is better to visit them there and help them get adjusted to their new surroundings, i.e.: getting them involved and talking to others, ensure that they know their way around, help them feel settled in their own apartment and help them get to know what all is available to them.
- But I do think it's very important to make sure that they have the opportunity to attend all family functions so they don't think they have been abandoned and forgotten.
- After they have adjusted to their new environment they would probably enjoy being taken out to lunch or dinner occasionally or on a shopping excursion.
- Try to keep the family interaction as similar to what it was before your aging parent went into the Assisted Living facility.

If I had my grandchildren with me when I visited my mother, she wanted to go downstairs to the common area so she could show them off to everyone. She occasionally liked to go to the store but as her mobility became more limited, it became very difficult for me to take her. She railed against a wheelchair as much as she had initially objected to a walker. My son occasionally took her but we always made sure that she got to the family functions – every birthday and every celebration.

An Assisted living facility can be a wonderful place for those who take advantage of all that they have to offer. Initially my mother did this until her health began to deteriorate. At this point she felt that she almost didn't want to make the effort anymore to go anywhere. It is also a good alternative when independent living is no longer feasible. For family members it is a stress reliever because we know that our elderly parents are being well looked after and as happy as can be with their new phase in life.