Adult Step Children - Love or Tolerance

There are times when we may not be too fond of our own adult children. And we do not always like every adult we meet. So is it any wonder that immediate love may not come for our adult step children?

Many of the types of behavior I've noticed step parents have complained about of their step children, both younger and adult, are things that our own children may have done. The difference is that we are often much more willing to accept bad behavior in our own children than in our step children. Have your own children talked back to you, disobeyed the rules, ignored you or been disrespectful of you? But often if our step children do the same thing, we are less tolerant of them.

Love takes time to grow so expecting to feel immediate affection for our adult step children is not a realistic expectation. Developing bonds and creating relationships are necessary before love can be achieved any time.

Step parents are not obligated to love their step children. But learning to like them and to enjoy their company is a good beginning to a good relationship. The acts of love are more important than the feelings, i.e.: showing kindness, respect, fairness, acceptance and not judging them.

Also there's no doubt about it, some children, whether young or old, are just more loveable than others. And as adults, some of us are more approachable than others. The two go together. But I believe that as the older person, it is up to us to make the first loving approaches by extending a welcoming feeling, an open smile, an interest in them and maybe even cooking some of their favorite foods.

It is important to behave in an unselfish manner – be loving, or at least behaving in a loving manner, and expecting nothing in return. Get to know your adult step children, you can't love what you don't know. Have safe conversations about their interests, their work, what's happening with the economy, the weather or on anything that will not lead to conflict. If there are grandchildren, show an interest in them as well. Be patient. Building a relationship takes time and learning to care about your step children is no exception. The hope is to at least be able to initially tolerate them. It is extremely important not to show any dislike of them. After all, they are the children of the person you love.

During the initial getting-to-know period with your step children, it is important to develop your own couple relationship so you can discuss rationally with your partner how is the best way to handle certain situations. Working together is always easier than working alone. But it is also important not to make children feel excluded – you are now a family.

To best get along with adult step children, the bottom line is to behave in a caring way toward them, be tolerant, go slowly and be patient.