Adult Stepchildren - Is Their An Easy Solution to Getting Along?

There is no denying that blended families are difficult not only for the stepchildren but for the adults as well. And when the stepchildren are adults, the difficulties are possibly more complex than when children are small. What can we do to improve our relationships with our adult stepchildren?

First we have to understand why there may be resentment towards us. The following may be some things to consider:

- Did we come into the situation not considering how the adult stepchildren might be feeling about their parent remarrying? This is particularly the case if their parent had not been on their own for any significant length of time.
- Was it a complete surprise to them or had their biological parent discussed his/her plans with the children?
- Are they fearful of feeling isolated from their parent and that his/her time and attention will be taken away from them?
- If there are grandchildren, do they feel less time will be spent with them because of the new person in their mother/father's life?
- They may feel as if they're being disloyal to the absent parent if they welcome or are friendly with the stepparent.
- They may be concerned about inheritance issues and feel there will be nothing for them.

There are many ways that adult stepchildren can show their displeasure with the new person in their biological parent's life. The following are some of the ways:

- They may not invite you to special occasions;
- They may exclude you from conversations that you know nothing about because they took place before you were part of the family;
- They may ignore you as if you don't exist even when you're in your own home;
- They may attempt to control their biological parent;
- They may do cruel things like giving Christmas gifts to their parent but not to you or sit at your table when you have prepared a meal and not say anything to you.

As stepparents to adult stepchildren, how can we handle this difficult situation?

- Don't take what is said and done to you personally. The reality is it likely has nothing to do with you as a person. No matter who had come into their parent's life, they would feel the same way about them.
- The dynamics of the family were no doubt in existence long before you became part of it. Being the new kid on the block will not change the basic dynamics. It's important to remember that no matter what situation you are in, the new kid always has a tough time getting accepted. The same thing happened when we went to a new school.
- Realize that you will not win adult stepchildren over with warmth and kindness only. Patience will be required as changes in relationships take time to develop and grow.
- Set boundaries. By that I mean, do not allow yourself to be mistreated. If a dinner for the family is not appreciated, do not put yourself to the trouble again. Possibly suggest that your partner and his/her children have dinner in a restaurant without you. If they exclude you from special occasions, plan your own time with family and friends. If they try to control their biological parent, discover the reason why and discuss the problem with your partner, explaining how you feel.
- Give your partner family time, without you, with his/her adult children to try to lessen the reason for any jealousies.
- If all else fails, as a couple, speak with a counselor.

We don't need to be parents to our adult stepchildren. If we can succeed at being friends, we can consider ourselves fortunate.