How NOT To Eat Pineapple

We all know the rules. We’ve drummed them into the heads of our children just as they were drummed into our heads. Remembering them though is another matter and in this case I didn’t until I was lying flat on my back on a backyard sidewalk.

While admittedly taking a bigger bite than I could properly chew and talking while I had something in my mouth is not very ladylike, I did manage to land on the ground with much grace and little fanfare.

With the piece of pineapple lodged in my esophagus, I must have remembered other rules like, ‘don’t ruin a good party’ and ‘don’t make a spectacle of yourself’ because I made no comment about the explosion of pain in my chest. Waking slowly on the cold cement I realized I had, with no prior planning involved, become the entertainment for this social occasion. I also became aware somewhat belatedly that my performance wasn’t designed for a two year olds’ birthday celebration.

Feeling better when I woke up after my bout on the ground than I had felt before my debut, I was anxious to get up. ‘Wait until the ambulance gets here,’ I was told. Lying prone, I felt conspicuous as many of the party-goers focused their attention upon me. I closed my eyes and listened realizing that a party takes on a much different perspective when you are a guest in a horizontal position.

It is much like when you’re giving birth to what seems to be a twenty pound baby and the nurses are talking over your perspiring body about the dinner party they attended the previous evening. In this case, a few chatted about inconsequential subjects as if unconscious of the interruption, one cried while another comforted her; others tried to console me when all I wanted to do was get up; and small children were kept away from the upsetting vision of a lady having an ‘unscheduled nap’ on the sidewalk.

When the event was over and I was finally led to a chair to recover from my plummeting blood pressure, the party resumed and I had time to think and to reassess my deplorable eating habits. As with everything, there are always lessons to be learned.

The rules are simple. First, ‘don’t bite off more than you can chew’; rule number two is ‘don’t talk while your mouth is full’ and a lesser known rule is number three, ‘don’t try to play acrobatics with a pineapple that is in your mouth’.
I remembered the simple ‘rules’ but thought there must surely be other, more important ones that should be followed. How about, ‘cut every morsel of food into minute pieces before placing in mouth and then chew each mouthful ten times’ to ensure that nothing is large enough to become stuck’. This may, however, reduce your dinner invitations if you remain at the table an hour after the last person has departed. Secondly, ‘think before speaking, or as in my situation, answering – just nod your head’. You will be considered the hit of the party because of your intelligent conversational abilities. Third, ‘don’t take deep breaths while eating, only small shallow puffs’. The children will be entranced; they’ll think you’re a guppy. But probably the most important thing to remember is to say, 'no thanks, I don't eat pineapple'.