Mild Cognitive Impairment, MCI, is a condition that may be a precursor to dementia. MCI is a form of cognitive impairment that usually features short-term memory loss without the loss of other cognitive functions.
Although it is not dementia, seniors with MCI have a higher risk, of approximately 10 – 15% per year, for converting to Alzheimer's disease or another dementia compared with seniors who do not have it. It is normal for the speed of mental processing and memory of names, etc. to decline with aging. But these normal changes do not affect a person's ability to function.
MCI is diagnosed when there is memory impairment but general cognitive and functional abilities are intact, does not have impaired judgment or reasoning and there are indications that there is an absence of dementia. Treatments are under investigation. In a trial test of 168 people, it was discovered that the three B vitamins, folic acid, vitamin B6 and vitamin B12 were found to cut the rate of brain shrinkage by up to 50%.
Starting interventions early can slow the decline. The following are things a person with MCI can do to lower their risk for developing a dementia:
- control your blood pressure. You may require blood pressure medication to keep it under control;
- maintain your cholesterol level. Medication may be required to do this also;
- control blood sugar levels. If you have been discovered to have diabetes, it is particularly important to monitor your blood sugar levels regularly;
- maintain your weight at a normal level and exercise regularly. Walking is an excellent form of exercise;
- limit alcohol intake to 5 drinks a week with never more than one drink in a day;
be conscious of your diet being sure to include plenty of vegetables, fruit and fish in your regular diet;
- get a sufficient amount of sleep;
- limit the use of sleeping pills and over the counter medications for things such as cold symptoms;
- try to keep stress to a minimum by avoiding stressful situations and practicing relaxation techniques such as meditation;
- do not smoke;
- protect your head, especially from repeated concussions. This can increase the risk factors for development of Alzheimer's disease and other dementia's as well as cognitive impairment.
Other ideas that will assist in being able to cope with MCI is to keep a daytimer with you at all times and write down important things such as phone numbers, addresses and appointments. It can even help when you are parking your car. When you get out, make a note in your daytimer of where your car is parked so you will be able to find it again with no trouble, And if you are always losing your keys, make sure to keep them in the same place each day.
Mild memory problems are typical of aging but MCI is a little more serious. If you suspect that you may be suffering from mild cognitive impairment, it is a good idea to see your doctor to get a diagnosis.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Age is Not a Number, It's an Attitude
Do you base how old you are on the dates of the calendar? Or when you receive your old age pension check? Or do you believe age is all about attitude?
There are people I know who are ready to jump in to old age with both feet, quickly proclaiming that they're too old to do this or for that. As a result they look older than their age and they act even older. They have become sedentary, they seem to have lost interest in things and they're zest for living is gone. Why I wonder are they so quick to link arms with old age and welcome it as their long-lost friend.
But other people I know of the same age would never let the words, 'I'm too old' pass their happy, smiling lips. They continue to be active, have interests and their days are never long enough for them. Their zest for life is unlimited and they almost without exception look younger than their age.
I believe that old is an attitude and our attitudes are reflected in our behavior. Are we spontaneous and do we enjoy having fun? It is about being optimistic, positive, being able to effectively cope with what life throws our way and still be happy. Happiness is a decision. We can decide to be happy or we can decide that life is really just a barrel full of rotten apples and grumble our way through life. I read once that by the time a person reaches the age of fifty, they have got the face they deserve to have.
Part of a youthful attitude is enthusiasm, not somberness. It is having goals and a specific purpose in life. In order to stay young, we must not accept negative concepts on aging because this negativity will shape our attitude and our behavior. Life should be enjoyed in the moment. We should throw away all of our past anger and resentment and refuse to live in the past because the present is here to enjoy and the future will come soon enough. I hate to see Over the Hill decorations at a fortieth birthday – at forty we're still learning, we've barely begun our journey in life.
Socializing is important as well as having interests and hobbies. The art of staying young is being interested in learning new things, learning an instrument, taking a university course, spending time with younger friends and having an 'I can do it' type of attitude.
Do you enjoy doing some of the things your grandchildren like to do? If not, perhaps give it a try and they might begin calling you their cool grandparent. Being active, both physically and mentally, will increase your feelings of youthfulness and any ideas of being old will evaporate like a Scotch mist on a windy day – while you are on the beach flying your kite.
There are people I know who are ready to jump in to old age with both feet, quickly proclaiming that they're too old to do this or for that. As a result they look older than their age and they act even older. They have become sedentary, they seem to have lost interest in things and they're zest for living is gone. Why I wonder are they so quick to link arms with old age and welcome it as their long-lost friend.
But other people I know of the same age would never let the words, 'I'm too old' pass their happy, smiling lips. They continue to be active, have interests and their days are never long enough for them. Their zest for life is unlimited and they almost without exception look younger than their age.
I believe that old is an attitude and our attitudes are reflected in our behavior. Are we spontaneous and do we enjoy having fun? It is about being optimistic, positive, being able to effectively cope with what life throws our way and still be happy. Happiness is a decision. We can decide to be happy or we can decide that life is really just a barrel full of rotten apples and grumble our way through life. I read once that by the time a person reaches the age of fifty, they have got the face they deserve to have.
Part of a youthful attitude is enthusiasm, not somberness. It is having goals and a specific purpose in life. In order to stay young, we must not accept negative concepts on aging because this negativity will shape our attitude and our behavior. Life should be enjoyed in the moment. We should throw away all of our past anger and resentment and refuse to live in the past because the present is here to enjoy and the future will come soon enough. I hate to see Over the Hill decorations at a fortieth birthday – at forty we're still learning, we've barely begun our journey in life.
Socializing is important as well as having interests and hobbies. The art of staying young is being interested in learning new things, learning an instrument, taking a university course, spending time with younger friends and having an 'I can do it' type of attitude.
Do you enjoy doing some of the things your grandchildren like to do? If not, perhaps give it a try and they might begin calling you their cool grandparent. Being active, both physically and mentally, will increase your feelings of youthfulness and any ideas of being old will evaporate like a Scotch mist on a windy day – while you are on the beach flying your kite.
Adult Step Children - Love or Tolerance
There are times when we may not be too fond of our own adult children. And we do not always like every adult we meet. So is it any wonder that immediate love may not come for our adult step children?
Many of the types of behavior I've noticed step parents have complained about of their step children, both younger and adult, are things that our own children may have done. The difference is that we are often much more willing to accept bad behavior in our own children than in our step children. Have your own children talked back to you, disobeyed the rules, ignored you or been disrespectful of you? But often if our step children do the same thing, we are less tolerant of them.
Love takes time to grow so expecting to feel immediate affection for our adult step children is not a realistic expectation. Developing bonds and creating relationships are necessary before love can be achieved any time.
Step parents are not obligated to love their step children. But learning to like them and to enjoy their company is a good beginning to a good relationship. The acts of love are more important than the feelings, i.e.: showing kindness, respect, fairness, acceptance and not judging them.
Also there's no doubt about it, some children, whether young or old, are just more loveable than others. And as adults, some of us are more approachable than others. The two go together. But I believe that as the older person, it is up to us to make the first loving approaches by extending a welcoming feeling, an open smile, an interest in them and maybe even cooking some of their favorite foods.
It is important to behave in an unselfish manner – be loving, or at least behaving in a loving manner, and expecting nothing in return. Get to know your adult step children, you can't love what you don't know. Have safe conversations about their interests, their work, what's happening with the economy, the weather or on anything that will not lead to conflict. If there are grandchildren, show an interest in them as well. Be patient. Building a relationship takes time and learning to care about your step children is no exception. The hope is to at least be able to initially tolerate them. It is extremely important not to show any dislike of them. After all, they are the children of the person you love.
During the initial getting-to-know period with your step children, it is important to develop your own couple relationship so you can discuss rationally with your partner how is the best way to handle certain situations. Working together is always easier than working alone. But it is also important not to make children feel excluded – you are now a family.
To best get along with adult step children, the bottom line is to behave in a caring way toward them, be tolerant, go slowly and be patient.
Many of the types of behavior I've noticed step parents have complained about of their step children, both younger and adult, are things that our own children may have done. The difference is that we are often much more willing to accept bad behavior in our own children than in our step children. Have your own children talked back to you, disobeyed the rules, ignored you or been disrespectful of you? But often if our step children do the same thing, we are less tolerant of them.
Love takes time to grow so expecting to feel immediate affection for our adult step children is not a realistic expectation. Developing bonds and creating relationships are necessary before love can be achieved any time.
Step parents are not obligated to love their step children. But learning to like them and to enjoy their company is a good beginning to a good relationship. The acts of love are more important than the feelings, i.e.: showing kindness, respect, fairness, acceptance and not judging them.
Also there's no doubt about it, some children, whether young or old, are just more loveable than others. And as adults, some of us are more approachable than others. The two go together. But I believe that as the older person, it is up to us to make the first loving approaches by extending a welcoming feeling, an open smile, an interest in them and maybe even cooking some of their favorite foods.
It is important to behave in an unselfish manner – be loving, or at least behaving in a loving manner, and expecting nothing in return. Get to know your adult step children, you can't love what you don't know. Have safe conversations about their interests, their work, what's happening with the economy, the weather or on anything that will not lead to conflict. If there are grandchildren, show an interest in them as well. Be patient. Building a relationship takes time and learning to care about your step children is no exception. The hope is to at least be able to initially tolerate them. It is extremely important not to show any dislike of them. After all, they are the children of the person you love.
During the initial getting-to-know period with your step children, it is important to develop your own couple relationship so you can discuss rationally with your partner how is the best way to handle certain situations. Working together is always easier than working alone. But it is also important not to make children feel excluded – you are now a family.
To best get along with adult step children, the bottom line is to behave in a caring way toward them, be tolerant, go slowly and be patient.
Delirium and the Elderly
It is fairly common for elderly people to be affected by delirium and/or hallucinations. There may be an altered level of consciousness, inattention or disorganized thinking.
Two of the things you will notice if your elderly parent is suffering from delirium are sudden changes in behavior and their mental state. They may be hyper-alert, startle more easily or be overly sensitive to their surroundings. They can also become quite agitated or may wish to sleep for longer periods of time. They may be unable to follow a conversation or stay focused. Or their conversation may become incoherent. They may also have a decreased appetite or become incontinent. Becoming lost in places they know well is not unusual in this situation. They can experience disturbances in perception such as not understanding what is happening around them. They may not recognize familiar people. There may at times be paranoia or unrealistic fears and possibly emotional outbursts.
My mother, in her last couple of years, had several episodes of delirium and hallucinations. This is very frightening for the person experiencing them and it was also frightening for her family members, especially before we understood the reasons for them. There were several times where she saw people that were not there and carried on conversations with them. She would be adamant that the person existed and became very angry and disoriented when we tried to explain to her what was happening.
Some of the causes of delirium and/or hallucinations are:
- side effects and possible interactions of some medications;
pain;
- infections or severe illness (with my mother it always happened when she had a bladder infection which is extremely common with elderly women);
- oxygen levels;
- lack of sleep;
- effects from anesthetics;
- poor nutrition and/or lack of hydration.
If this should happen to your loved one, it is important that they receive medical treatment as soon as possible. These changes in the person are sudden and are not connected with dementia.
The following are some of the things you can do:
- call the person by name to get their response. Remind them of the day, time and where they are;
- keep sentences short and simple;
- let them know that they are being looked after and are safe;
- if the person wears glasses, make sure they are clean and being worn. This includes their hearing aides as well. These things help them to become orientated;
- try to control excessive noise and over-stimulation. This cannot always be the case, particularly if they are in a hospital environment;
- ensure that dentures are in and that they eat regularly and drink fluids frequently;
- ensure that treatment for the cause of delirium is being treated and followed up on.
Recovery time may vary from days to several weeks or longer depending on the cause of the delirium. Comfort measures are important for the patient as well as having the support of family and friends nearby.
Two of the things you will notice if your elderly parent is suffering from delirium are sudden changes in behavior and their mental state. They may be hyper-alert, startle more easily or be overly sensitive to their surroundings. They can also become quite agitated or may wish to sleep for longer periods of time. They may be unable to follow a conversation or stay focused. Or their conversation may become incoherent. They may also have a decreased appetite or become incontinent. Becoming lost in places they know well is not unusual in this situation. They can experience disturbances in perception such as not understanding what is happening around them. They may not recognize familiar people. There may at times be paranoia or unrealistic fears and possibly emotional outbursts.
My mother, in her last couple of years, had several episodes of delirium and hallucinations. This is very frightening for the person experiencing them and it was also frightening for her family members, especially before we understood the reasons for them. There were several times where she saw people that were not there and carried on conversations with them. She would be adamant that the person existed and became very angry and disoriented when we tried to explain to her what was happening.
Some of the causes of delirium and/or hallucinations are:
- side effects and possible interactions of some medications;
pain;
- infections or severe illness (with my mother it always happened when she had a bladder infection which is extremely common with elderly women);
- oxygen levels;
- lack of sleep;
- effects from anesthetics;
- poor nutrition and/or lack of hydration.
If this should happen to your loved one, it is important that they receive medical treatment as soon as possible. These changes in the person are sudden and are not connected with dementia.
The following are some of the things you can do:
- call the person by name to get their response. Remind them of the day, time and where they are;
- keep sentences short and simple;
- let them know that they are being looked after and are safe;
- if the person wears glasses, make sure they are clean and being worn. This includes their hearing aides as well. These things help them to become orientated;
- try to control excessive noise and over-stimulation. This cannot always be the case, particularly if they are in a hospital environment;
- ensure that dentures are in and that they eat regularly and drink fluids frequently;
- ensure that treatment for the cause of delirium is being treated and followed up on.
Recovery time may vary from days to several weeks or longer depending on the cause of the delirium. Comfort measures are important for the patient as well as having the support of family and friends nearby.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Adult Stepchildren - What is Within Our Control and What Isn't in a Step Family Relationship?
There are many situations in families that will make a difference in our ability to be a successful step parent - ones that we have no control over. But there are also things we can do to improve our step parent relationships.
The following is a list of things that will make a difference in a step family situation that have nothing to do with the new step parent but will have an affect on his or her ability to successfully be a step parent:
- How did the biological parent get along with his/her children before you came on the scene?
If there was not a close family relationship before you, it will not improve by adding a new person to the mix. If the children already feel their parent did not spend enough time with them or was not interested in them to the extent they wanted, there may be resentment that his/her time will now be reduced by the time he/she spends with a new husband or wife. In this case, it will be important to encourage your spouse to spend sufficient time with his children to hopefully avoid any resentment in this respect.
- How long has he or she been divorced or widowed?
If it is recent, there very likely will be resentment because of loyalty to the other parent. And no matter what you may do to try and win their approval, it will be an uphill battle and one you will not likely win without a lot of patience. It may be necessary to delay marriage to give the children time to adjust to having a new person in their lives.
- Are you the new stepmother or step-father?
This will make a difference as step-fathers are more readily accepted than stepmothers. Although this can also depend upon the gender of the children and how closely that child related to their same sex parent, i.e.: a son may not be as accepting of a step-father if he has a close relationship with his own father. The same is true of a daughter if she has a close relationship with her own mother.
- What is the relationship between the two biological parents? Is it an amicable one or rife with tension?
If the two parents don't get along, the feelings of friction can be passed on to the children which will affect their relationship with a step parent. It is pretty hard for a step parent to counteract effects of negativity. It will be important to not appear to take sides - remain neutral and do not take it personal.
- How dependent both financially and emotionally are the stepchildren on their biological parent?
Adult children may see the new person in their parent's life as a threat to their emotional well-being and a possible end to their financial stability. Both losses can create resentment of the new person in adult stepchildren. In this situation, the biological parent should have a talk with the children before a remarriage to allay their fears.
- Has the biological parent included his adult children in his plans to remarry and assured them of his/her continued love?
If this has not been done and a new person is thrown into their life without any prior warning or previous meetings and a getting-to-know period, it will be difficult for the step parent as there is sure to be some resentment. Try to get to know the children beforehand, if possible at fun events.
- How far removed from the parental home are the adult children, i.e.: are they living away, going to college, married with children or still living at home?
For those living at home it will be a different situation than those living away. Those who are married may be more established in their own lives so what happens in mom or dad's life might not have quite the same impact on their lives. Communication will be the key.
- Are they a normally healthy and well-functioning family?
This is important. If the family never did function well together, there will be difficulties. Adding an extra, unknown person to a family already having problems will just add to the chaos. It is almost impossible to fix a dysfunctional family as the step parent. It is probably a situation best avoided.
- Are there grandchildren involved? Are you a much younger wife with young children of your own?
If you are, there may likely be resentment from the adult children if they perceive that their parent is giving your children more attention than they feel should be warranted if the grandchildren are being deprived of their grandparent's affection. This will be especially true if more attention had been paid to the grandchildren before your arrival on the scene than after? If this is the case, encourage your partner to spend time with the grandchildren or include them in your own family outings.
All of the above examples will have a big bearing on how the step family will function as a unit before you even begin to try to establish relationships with the adult stepchildren. The best strategy is to attempt to have positive interaction with the adult stepchildren, don't take on the role of stepparent, be friendly, open and definitely do not be pushy. Let them determine the level of involvement they wish to have until they get to know you. If friendship with an adult stepchild can be established, it is a big step towards a cohesive step family situation.
The following is a list of things that will make a difference in a step family situation that have nothing to do with the new step parent but will have an affect on his or her ability to successfully be a step parent:
- How did the biological parent get along with his/her children before you came on the scene?
If there was not a close family relationship before you, it will not improve by adding a new person to the mix. If the children already feel their parent did not spend enough time with them or was not interested in them to the extent they wanted, there may be resentment that his/her time will now be reduced by the time he/she spends with a new husband or wife. In this case, it will be important to encourage your spouse to spend sufficient time with his children to hopefully avoid any resentment in this respect.
- How long has he or she been divorced or widowed?
If it is recent, there very likely will be resentment because of loyalty to the other parent. And no matter what you may do to try and win their approval, it will be an uphill battle and one you will not likely win without a lot of patience. It may be necessary to delay marriage to give the children time to adjust to having a new person in their lives.
- Are you the new stepmother or step-father?
This will make a difference as step-fathers are more readily accepted than stepmothers. Although this can also depend upon the gender of the children and how closely that child related to their same sex parent, i.e.: a son may not be as accepting of a step-father if he has a close relationship with his own father. The same is true of a daughter if she has a close relationship with her own mother.
- What is the relationship between the two biological parents? Is it an amicable one or rife with tension?
If the two parents don't get along, the feelings of friction can be passed on to the children which will affect their relationship with a step parent. It is pretty hard for a step parent to counteract effects of negativity. It will be important to not appear to take sides - remain neutral and do not take it personal.
- How dependent both financially and emotionally are the stepchildren on their biological parent?
Adult children may see the new person in their parent's life as a threat to their emotional well-being and a possible end to their financial stability. Both losses can create resentment of the new person in adult stepchildren. In this situation, the biological parent should have a talk with the children before a remarriage to allay their fears.
- Has the biological parent included his adult children in his plans to remarry and assured them of his/her continued love?
If this has not been done and a new person is thrown into their life without any prior warning or previous meetings and a getting-to-know period, it will be difficult for the step parent as there is sure to be some resentment. Try to get to know the children beforehand, if possible at fun events.
- How far removed from the parental home are the adult children, i.e.: are they living away, going to college, married with children or still living at home?
For those living at home it will be a different situation than those living away. Those who are married may be more established in their own lives so what happens in mom or dad's life might not have quite the same impact on their lives. Communication will be the key.
- Are they a normally healthy and well-functioning family?
This is important. If the family never did function well together, there will be difficulties. Adding an extra, unknown person to a family already having problems will just add to the chaos. It is almost impossible to fix a dysfunctional family as the step parent. It is probably a situation best avoided.
- Are there grandchildren involved? Are you a much younger wife with young children of your own?
If you are, there may likely be resentment from the adult children if they perceive that their parent is giving your children more attention than they feel should be warranted if the grandchildren are being deprived of their grandparent's affection. This will be especially true if more attention had been paid to the grandchildren before your arrival on the scene than after? If this is the case, encourage your partner to spend time with the grandchildren or include them in your own family outings.
All of the above examples will have a big bearing on how the step family will function as a unit before you even begin to try to establish relationships with the adult stepchildren. The best strategy is to attempt to have positive interaction with the adult stepchildren, don't take on the role of stepparent, be friendly, open and definitely do not be pushy. Let them determine the level of involvement they wish to have until they get to know you. If friendship with an adult stepchild can be established, it is a big step towards a cohesive step family situation.
Monday, June 27, 2011
How to Cope With Grief
Grief is a reaction to loss, an emotional response. There are many different forms of grief. Some responses may even include laughter and celebration as well as sadness.
Crying and talking abut a loss are healthy responses. However, lack of crying does not indicate there is no grief. It can indicate resilience where a relatively stable demeanor is maintained with healthy level of positive emotions. This does not indicate that this person feels their loss any less, only that they have a different method of coping.
When grief responses have been more in evidence, possibly following a temporary period of depression, in most cases recovery will gradually return to previous levels. Chronic dysfunction is a prolonged inability to function and sometimes delayed grief symptoms can appear months after an apparently normal adjustment to a loss.
The five stages of grief as described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But each person will respond differently to grief depending upon the situation. Some may not experience the five stages and may only feel initial denial and perhaps extreme fatigue until there is acceptance. There may also be feelings of injustice and anger that life around you continues to go on when you have suffered such a devastating loss.
What can be done to help cope with feelings of the loss of a loved one? The following are some ideas:
- spend time with caring people;
- express your feelings;
- accept that there will be changes;
- take care of your health;
- return to previous interests;
- postpone making any major life changes, possibly waiting a year or so;
- if necessary contact a community organization for help;
- acknowledge the pain of your loss, don't shove it to the back of your mind and ignore its existence;
- let yourself cry;
- talk about the loss of your loved one even if you get emotional;
- exercise – physical activity is a good way to release tension;
- have a hot bath, read a good book, eat your favorite foods, get a massage, have a nap or go to a movie with a friend;
- do something to honor the memory of your loved one – perhaps plant a tree in his or her honor or place a bench in their favorite area;
- join a support group;
- avoid excessive alcohol – it can be a depressant;
- don't blame yourself for things you think you should have done or said and didn't.
Depression is often part of the grieving process. However lingering depression is not considered normal. If it continues or affects daily life, consult your doctor because untreated depression can lead to other serious psychological disorders.
I have lost both of my parents. My father died when he was still relatively young. He was not ready to go and I was not ready to let him go. I found his loss very difficult to deal with. As such I was in denial for a very long time. I was unable to talk about him without crying so I didn't, shoving it to the back of my mind instead. It was a mistake because acceptance was a long time coming. Besides having four small children, the youngest two months old when he died, I also didn't have the maturity to cope with his loss.
My mother died recently at ninety years of age. She wanted to go, she had been unhappy with her poor health and her inability to do things for herself. And although I feel her loss very strongly and am unhappy that I no longer have my mother, I am happy for her because she no longer has to suffer. She has gone to join my father where she wants to be. I now have better coping skills than I had in my early twenties so I can accept her loss more easily than I could when I was less mature. And my mother had lived a good, full life.
But we are all different. We will look at things differently and have different perspectives depending on where we are in our own life cycle. In some cases losing a parent when we ourselves are getting older may force us to look at our own mortality. Or we can accept the fact that this is the cycle of life and nothing is going to change it.
Crying and talking abut a loss are healthy responses. However, lack of crying does not indicate there is no grief. It can indicate resilience where a relatively stable demeanor is maintained with healthy level of positive emotions. This does not indicate that this person feels their loss any less, only that they have a different method of coping.
When grief responses have been more in evidence, possibly following a temporary period of depression, in most cases recovery will gradually return to previous levels. Chronic dysfunction is a prolonged inability to function and sometimes delayed grief symptoms can appear months after an apparently normal adjustment to a loss.
The five stages of grief as described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But each person will respond differently to grief depending upon the situation. Some may not experience the five stages and may only feel initial denial and perhaps extreme fatigue until there is acceptance. There may also be feelings of injustice and anger that life around you continues to go on when you have suffered such a devastating loss.
What can be done to help cope with feelings of the loss of a loved one? The following are some ideas:
- spend time with caring people;
- express your feelings;
- accept that there will be changes;
- take care of your health;
- return to previous interests;
- postpone making any major life changes, possibly waiting a year or so;
- if necessary contact a community organization for help;
- acknowledge the pain of your loss, don't shove it to the back of your mind and ignore its existence;
- let yourself cry;
- talk about the loss of your loved one even if you get emotional;
- exercise – physical activity is a good way to release tension;
- have a hot bath, read a good book, eat your favorite foods, get a massage, have a nap or go to a movie with a friend;
- do something to honor the memory of your loved one – perhaps plant a tree in his or her honor or place a bench in their favorite area;
- join a support group;
- avoid excessive alcohol – it can be a depressant;
- don't blame yourself for things you think you should have done or said and didn't.
Depression is often part of the grieving process. However lingering depression is not considered normal. If it continues or affects daily life, consult your doctor because untreated depression can lead to other serious psychological disorders.
I have lost both of my parents. My father died when he was still relatively young. He was not ready to go and I was not ready to let him go. I found his loss very difficult to deal with. As such I was in denial for a very long time. I was unable to talk about him without crying so I didn't, shoving it to the back of my mind instead. It was a mistake because acceptance was a long time coming. Besides having four small children, the youngest two months old when he died, I also didn't have the maturity to cope with his loss.
My mother died recently at ninety years of age. She wanted to go, she had been unhappy with her poor health and her inability to do things for herself. And although I feel her loss very strongly and am unhappy that I no longer have my mother, I am happy for her because she no longer has to suffer. She has gone to join my father where she wants to be. I now have better coping skills than I had in my early twenties so I can accept her loss more easily than I could when I was less mature. And my mother had lived a good, full life.
But we are all different. We will look at things differently and have different perspectives depending on where we are in our own life cycle. In some cases losing a parent when we ourselves are getting older may force us to look at our own mortality. Or we can accept the fact that this is the cycle of life and nothing is going to change it.
What to Do as an Executor of a Will
When a loved one dies and you have been named Executor of the Will, there are many things to be considered. Duties of an Executor generally take about one year for a straight forward estate but if assets turn up even years later, the Executor is still responsible.
The following are some of the things you will need to know if you are an Executor of a Will:
- Is a handwritten Will valid?
Some provinces in Canada allow a handwritten Will even if it has not been witnessed.
- What is a Probate?
A Probate is a legal court procedure to determine the Will's validity and to confirm an Executor's appointment as well as assess assets of an estate.
- Do all Wills have to be probated?
Probate will depend on the amount and nature of the assets, the number and nature of beneficiaries and the agencies or financial institutions that hold the assets. An asset that doesn't have to go through probate is land owned in joint tenancy with another person. (If this is the case an application will have to be filed in Land Titles along with a death certificate). Probate isn't required for joint bank accounts or vehicles owned jointly either. A death certificate is required however to transfer ownership to the surviving joint owner. Also RRSP's or insurance policies with a named beneficiary don't require probate. However, usually stocks and bonds will need to go through probate.
- Are there Probate fees?
An example of probate fees are: an estate valued at under $10,000.00 will cost about $25.00; for an estate over $25,000.00 but not more than $125,000.00, the cost will be about $200.00.
- What are death benefits?
It is money due beneficiaries from such plans as in Canada the federal Canada Pension Plan or Old Age Security, private company pension plans, unions and organizations such as the Masons. There may be more plans where there could be death benefits and it would be the Executor's responsibility to find them.
- What about the deceased person's income tax?
All income tax requirements must be filed and paid before disbursements of assets can be made.
The following are some of the duties of an Executor:
- to make funeral arrangements;
- cancel all charge cards, notify banks and contact all pension plans;
- to gather up and prepare a detailed inventory of all assets, i.e.: cash, securities, jewelery, real estate and contents of a safety deposit box;
- to determine debts owed and pay them;
- prepare and submit any necessary probate documents to the court;
- contact all beneficiaries then distribute assets between them after debts and probate costs have been dealt with. It will be necessary to obtain releases from each beneficiary.
Being an Executor to a Will is a responsibility that cannot be taken lightly. Those chosen to act in the capacity of Executor must be honest, impartial and scrupulous. And the deceased person probably chose you knowing that you could look after their interests on their behalf.
The following are some of the things you will need to know if you are an Executor of a Will:
- Is a handwritten Will valid?
Some provinces in Canada allow a handwritten Will even if it has not been witnessed.
- What is a Probate?
A Probate is a legal court procedure to determine the Will's validity and to confirm an Executor's appointment as well as assess assets of an estate.
- Do all Wills have to be probated?
Probate will depend on the amount and nature of the assets, the number and nature of beneficiaries and the agencies or financial institutions that hold the assets. An asset that doesn't have to go through probate is land owned in joint tenancy with another person. (If this is the case an application will have to be filed in Land Titles along with a death certificate). Probate isn't required for joint bank accounts or vehicles owned jointly either. A death certificate is required however to transfer ownership to the surviving joint owner. Also RRSP's or insurance policies with a named beneficiary don't require probate. However, usually stocks and bonds will need to go through probate.
- Are there Probate fees?
An example of probate fees are: an estate valued at under $10,000.00 will cost about $25.00; for an estate over $25,000.00 but not more than $125,000.00, the cost will be about $200.00.
- What are death benefits?
It is money due beneficiaries from such plans as in Canada the federal Canada Pension Plan or Old Age Security, private company pension plans, unions and organizations such as the Masons. There may be more plans where there could be death benefits and it would be the Executor's responsibility to find them.
- What about the deceased person's income tax?
All income tax requirements must be filed and paid before disbursements of assets can be made.
The following are some of the duties of an Executor:
- to make funeral arrangements;
- cancel all charge cards, notify banks and contact all pension plans;
- to gather up and prepare a detailed inventory of all assets, i.e.: cash, securities, jewelery, real estate and contents of a safety deposit box;
- to determine debts owed and pay them;
- prepare and submit any necessary probate documents to the court;
- contact all beneficiaries then distribute assets between them after debts and probate costs have been dealt with. It will be necessary to obtain releases from each beneficiary.
Being an Executor to a Will is a responsibility that cannot be taken lightly. Those chosen to act in the capacity of Executor must be honest, impartial and scrupulous. And the deceased person probably chose you knowing that you could look after their interests on their behalf.
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