Caring for Elderly Parents

Caring for elderly parents can sometimes be daunting. As the adult child you may have feelings of guilt. The added difficulty is you are usually looking after a parent who fears losing his or her independence.

Losing their independence is the most difficult thing elderly people face but as our parents age, the likelihood of this becomes greater. Often they have problems being able to meet their daily needs because of diminished abilities and their failing health. They may also need to be protected so they don't hurt themselves. Examples of this are: issues relating to the stove, i.e.: leaving a pot cooking on the hot stove, leaving a tea towel too close to the elements, or leaving an empty pan on a hot element to dry, as my mother did.

Severe problems with memory can cause other concerns for adult children. With my mother, remembering to take her medications were a concern. Phoning to remind her did not guarantee that she actually took them. Forgetting appointments can sometimes be problematic as well. Another issue that concerned me with my mother was her tendency to tell too much to phone canvassers. She also tended to send checks off to anyone who asked for money. Also of concern was her growing inability to pay her bills and keep her accounts, or even her mail, organized.

Losing their ability to safely drive hugely affects a senior's sense of independence and can often become a battle between elderly parents and their adult children. My mother, fortunately, was aware when she was unable to drive in the evenings and limited herself. She would have been a danger, not only to herself, but to others as well. She was told by medical professionals when she was unable to drive during the day. She accepted it from them whereas she would not have from her family. However, this was a huge blow to her independence. She began going downhill from there because she had always prided herself on being an independent person.

Although assisted living is a wonderful alternative for those who are unable to care for themselves, it is still another step towards losing their independence. It signifies another indication of loss of control over their own environment. Most seniors would prefer to remain in their own homes. But for many this is not feasible. Very often living with their families is not an option either. For my own mother, getting up and down my stairs became increasingly difficult for her.

Often elderly parents will not be happy with the switch in roles as adult children become, by necessity, the caregivers of their parents, depending on the amount of care required. My mother, in assisted living, enjoys my role of taking her to all of her appointments, shopping for her, doing her banking, her dishes and having lunch out occasionally.

In many families, it is one child who will shoulder most of the responsibility for the elderly parent and in many cases it is the daughters who are the caregivers. In a recent study it was discovered that in 41 percent of the cases, one of the adult children is responsible and in 3 percent of the cases, there is equal contribution between the siblings. In some cases it is proximity and other times it is willingness or availability.

Sometimes elderly parents can be very demanding and as a result adult children have feelings of guilt that they never seem to be doing enough. The question then is 'what are you reasonably able to do for your parent without neglecting other members of your family?' It is important to strike a balance without feelings of guilt. And in some cases it may be important to insist that other siblings step up and help with elderly parents if one person is having the majority of the responsibility and is making all of the sacrifices.

As parents age, it becomes increasingly difficult for both the elderly parent as well as for the adult child. And although we love our parents, it is not advisable to neglect the rest of our family, or our own health, to care for them. Some of the options are to encourage other family members to help or to look into assisted living accommodations.