Step-Parenting - Are There Gender Differences in Step-Families?

Do boys react differently to girls in step-family situations? Is it easier to be a stepmother or a stepfather? Is it more difficult to be a stepmother to stepsons or stepdaughters?

Studies show that generally sons have less family involvement than do daughters who are closer to their mother and will usually make an effort to cut their stepfather some slack. Boys are not as likely to with a stepfather. Stepdaughters will not usually tolerate anything they see as mistakes made by their stepmothers and boys generally don't get involved in the problems between stepdaughters and stepmothers. Girls often have difficulties with loyalties because of their biological mothers, even if their mother has died. There will be more problems between stepsons and their stepfathers especially if the child feels the father is too heavy handed in forms of criticism or discipline. This usually does not apply to younger children. It is generally those over ten years old that will have more difficulty with their stepfathers.

Adding also to the difficulties between girls and their stepmothers is the daughter's attachment to her father. Her feelings and attitude may also model those of her mother which, if there is jealousy expressed by the biological mother, will intensify the situation. Stepmothers will rarely receive trust and love from a child if the ex-wife is still angry and bitter about the divorce. Children will quickly pick up on these feelings, especially if the issues are addressed openly to the child by the angry parent.

According to studies, the majority of adult stepchildren prefer having a stepfather to having a stepmother. The reason for this is probably because in most cases the mother gets custody of the children so it is much easier for the children to get to know their stepfather than it is for the stepchildren to get to know their stepmother because in most cases they will only see each other every second weekend or so.

It is, in most cases, easier to be a stepfather than to be a stepmother unless the father has taken a wife who is much younger than himself or the ex-wife. This can be uncomfortable for the adult children if she is not much older than they are. There may then be resentment and bitterness which will increase their support for their biological mother and cause them to be more protective of her and less welcoming to the new stepmother.

Another reason it is more difficult to be a stepmother is that usually the women are the ones who look after the home, do the cooking, the laundry and have more dealings with the children so stepchildren are more likely to have to spend more time in the company of their stepmother than with a stepfather so any problems there are, are going to be exacerbated by the extra time spent together.

When stepchildren are adults, there is quite often the concern of who the beneficiaries will be – the stepmother or the children. Daughters are more likely to be concerned about this than their brothers and often having better relationships with their fathers will get their father on their side, sometimes to the stepmother's detriment. In many cases, it is easier to be stepmother to stepsons rather than to stepdaughters when the children are older.

Although there are gender differences resulting in difficulties when being in a step-parent situation, they more noticeably affect the stepmother than the stepfather. With a new wife, a stepdaughter and possibly even an ex-wife all vying for the attention of the husband/father, jealousies and resulting tension further increases difficulties when step-parenting.