Snowbird Grandparents - The New Type of Grandparent

Snowbird grandparents are becoming increasingly common. They migrate south for the winter, happily anticipating building new nests and settling in for the six month interim. Does it have an affect on the family and their relationships?

There are diverse opinions on how the snowbird migration affects families - probably as many opinions as there are family members. As one young child put it, 'We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.' One parent comment, 'They are going to miss most of their grandchild's life and they don't really seem to care that much. They are choosing to be absent grandparents.' And from one young adult, 'I had snowbird grandparents and had a terrible relationship with them because of it.' Another opinion was, 'They spent their lives raising children and now they are free to do what they please.' and from a snowbird herself, 'We raised our kids, it's our time now.'

As with everything in life, there are pros and cons. It wouldn't be what I would choose to do but that is me. It isn't any different than grandparents who live in a different state or province than their grandchildren. And in many cases it's the offspring with the grandchildren themselves that make the decision to move somewhere else. The main difference is that in this case, the grandparents are choosing to be away from their families.

The positives about having a snowbird grandparent:

- There is a good opportunity to visit grandparents in a warm and sunny climate during the cold of winter where we live.

- There are still six other months of the year.

- A grandparent can still be a good grandparent regardless of whether distance is a factor or not. There are telephones, snail mail and of course everyone's favorite, e-mail and Skype.

- A snowbird's migration to warmer climes does not have to affect family relationships if you don't let it.

- Grandparents meeting new friends and enriching their lives can only benefit the lives of their family members. They will be more interesting and have stories to pass on to their grandchildren and families when they see them again.

The negatives about having a snowbird grandparent:

- Their own children, in some cases, resent that the grandparents aren't there for their grandchildren.

- The grandchildren miss the grandparents, particularly if there has been a close relationship before they decided to become snowbirds.

- There are health or other situations that make their children more reliant on them to assist with the grandchildren.

In the end though, it will be a choice that retiring couples will make based on their financial ability, health, and their own feelings about being away from family for six months out of the year.

Grandparents Parenting Their Grandchildren

The parents may be around but are unable to parent or they may not be around at all. Either way, parenting your grandchildren is not like parenting you're own children, it's a whole different ball game.

In the United States, there are more than 3.9 million households of grandparents parenting their grandchildren. There are many reasons why grandparents may need to parent their grandchildren. In some cases the parents may have died, have mental disorders, substance abuse, be incarcerated or have abandoned their children.

And because of many of those reasons, grandparents may be feeling their own sense of failure, guilt and embarrassment. What would already be a difficult job because of the loss to the grandchildren that they must deal with, they may have the additional burden of possibly trying to help their own children, they may have to deal with an alienation of their own child or may be suffering through the loss of that child.

The grandchildren will definitely be feeling loss and possibly abandonment. They may also have suffered abuse or neglect and are likely to feel insecure and angry. They could have had prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol or may have psychological or physical problems because of earlier experiences.

It will be the grandparents responsibility to make their grandchildren feel safe and secure; to give them stability and a regular routine; to communicate with them, to have rules, set limits and establish boundaries. These grandparents will also have to try and be positive, keep children active, show compassion, give guidance and unconditional love.

Grandparents can offer experience and perspective and show family continuity to their grandchildren. They can motivate, nurture and show affection. In the parenting role to their grandchildren, it will be important to take photos and keep records of the children's progress to let them know how important they are to you.

It is equally important that as grandparents who are parenting at a time when they had not been expecting to do so, that they take care of themselves and maintain their own health. It will be important also to have someone to talk to who can help when the stress of parenting becomes overwhelming.

There could possibly be legal issues to deal with besides day-to-day care such as custody or legal guardianship. This may be even more difficult if the parent has a mental problem or a substance abuse issue. There will be extra expenses for diapers, formula, car seats, cribs, besides the clothes and extra food involved in raising a family. There may be physical disabilities that require wheelchairs or other expenses as well.

The financial obligation can be overwhelming for most at a time when they may be at their lowest income level. It is estimated that sixteen percent of those grandparents raising grandchildren live below the poverty level.

Kudos to those grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. It is not an easy task but they do it because they love their grandchildren.

How to Spend Valuable Time With Your Teenage Grandchildren

Spending time with teenage grandchildren is completely different than time spent with younger grandchildren. Although what they like to do is different, they still want to be involved with their family.

Although teenagers shun anything they consider to be babyish, they are not adverse to attention and involvement with the adults in their lives. This is particularly true if there has been a previously close relationship. However, trying to establish a bond when they are in their teens will be difficult if none existed before.

The older teen is more likely to want independence and not to feel as if they are treated like a child. They will respect our efforts if we are flexible, within determined boundaries, sensitive to their feelings and are nonjudgmental. And if we invite a friend of theirs to be included in family fun times, they will be eager to participate, especially when they see their friend is enjoying the fun. One granddaughter and her friend have stayed overnight on several occasions. And I have taken one young grandson and his friend to the beach and on a weekend camping trip.

If we are interested in them, eager to listen, talk to them and share ideas and feelings with them, they are likely to be more open with us especially if they know their friends are welcome too. Teenagers enjoy board games, cards and scrabble. They may be interested in tennis, going fishing or hiking or perhaps getting involved in the adventure of geocaching. There may be things relating to their specific interests that you can take them to, i.e.: science, space, woodworking, rock climbing, boating, horseback riding, a computer, sewing or art course, etc. They may want to go to the water slides, a movie or a sports game. Some of these things you may not be exactly involved in but they will appreciate the fact that they and their friend would not have got there without you.

Perhaps you know someone who has a commercial fishing boat or a sailboat who would be willing to take you and your teenage grandchild out on. And if your grandchildren are at all environmentally-conscious take them to visit an association that protects fur bearing animals, an owl rehabilitation organization, a wildlife rescue organization, a visit to an organization that researches solar energy, winds and tides, an organization that is interested in the preservation of the fish in the oceans and the ecological preservation of waterways, a fish hatchery, a dam, go on a bird watching expedition, join a group that learns wilderness skills, visit a Llama farm, go canoeing or kayaking, go on a whale watching trip, make a trip to watch millions of salmon struggle to lay their eggs, completing their four year life cycle. Go spelunking in an underground cavern. The YWCA and YMCA offer a variety of programs. Visit a lighthouse, go camping, go to local festivals, an auto or motorcycle show, the boat show, golfing or bowling.

By giving a grandchild the opportunity to try many of these activities, it could instill a lifelong interest and may possibly determine their life goals. At the very least it will, in all probability, encourage them to be interested in spending time with a grandparent.

Things To Do With Your Grandchildren

Doing things with your grandchildren are what memories are made of; sharing smiles and laughter and perhaps even a few tears. It is an opportunity to be a child again too.

The following are some ideas of things to do with your pre-teen grandchildren:

- When your grandchild has a sleep-over, have a 'Let's Imagine Box' beside the bed. Fill a small gift box with slips of 'let's imagine' questions. This works even if the child is unable to read yet. It will allow you to get to know your grandchild in a different way. some ideas are: 1)Let's imagine that you were going to look for buried treasure, where would you look? What kind of treasure do you think you would find? What would you do with it if you found any? 2)Let's imagine that you are flying in the sky with an eagle, where do you think you would go? Do you think you would make the sounds of an eagloe or would he talk like you do? 3) Let's imagine that you are lying on a large fluffy cloud and you're floating in the sky, what do you think you would see when you look around? Who do you think would be with you? Or put some personal slips in the box that relate specifically to that child.

- Another variation on this is story-telling where you begin the story and then the child adds his own bit of creativeness and between you, a story grows. It's interesting to see where the story goes and it gives another opportunity to know and relate to the child. It could begin with: 'Once upon a time Reilly was on his way to visit his cousin Jaeden when he passed Mr. and Mrs. Miller's house. He almost never saw the elderly couple but today they were sitting together on the porch. Their old rockers moved gently back and forth, squeaking on the weathered boards. "Hello Reilly," they called. "What are you going to do today? You look like you're in a hurry to get someplace. Have you got a fun day planned?" And then the child can continue with the story. It can go back and forth with each of you giving the story your own little twist. My grandchildren have enjoyed this but usually they want to do the ending part themselves.

- If there are several grandchildren, give each one their own special day by planning an event centered around them. Some of the ideas for this can be to take them for lunch or make a special lunch for them with their favorite food items, or if others are present, make that child special by having a king or queen crown that he/she can wear, let them choose their favorite desert. Or go somewhere special or have a 'curled-up with popcorn and their special treats' movie day.

- Spend time together talking and listening.

- Play the child's favorite games, perhaps Go Fish or Snakes 'n' Ladders.

- Plant a small garden together or if this isn't possible, plant some seeds in a plant pot and watch them grow. Let the child look after it himself.

- Make a framed certificate that the child can hang on his wall stating all of his special qualities.

- Send the child home with love notes telling him/her how special he/she is to you and that you're very happy they are your grandchild.

- Make a personalized happy birthday story about your grandchild.

- Make Christmas ornaments with your grandchild that they can hang on the tree. A child's happy face is much more important than a perfectly color coordinated tree.

- Go to the beach or an open field and fly kites together.

- Go on a picnic or at least have one in your back yard or on the balcony.

- Do an Album of Events, a book compiled of things you have done with your grandchildren; special excursions, favorite places, pictures of them with family, friends or a pet. The child will feel the love surrounding him with every page he turns.

- Sing songs and read books together.

- If you have several grandchildren together, play games, i.e.: 1) Let's pretend, a child's version of charades where the child can pretend to be a galloping horse, a robot, a snake or whatever they can imagine being. 2

What is a Grandparent's Role?

There are grandparents who see their grandchildren regularly, those who are long distant ones, others who are caregivers to their grandchildren and those who have almost no access to them because of family strife. What are the roles of a grandparent within each of these categories?

Are there different roles for grandparents for each family unit within the basic family structure? The type of role each grandparent plays depends on many things, some of which you will have no control over.

In most cases those who see their grandchildren regularly generally have good relationships with their own children. That tends to be the basis for a successful grandparent/grandchild relationship. However for some, even in this category, they may not see their grandchildren as often as they would like. Perhaps there is some tension with a daughter or son-in-law or there may be issues between your child and their spouse which may affect the relationship you have with your grandchild/ren. You may have a closer relationship with your daughter's children than with your son's. or perhaps location is a factor - availability may be determined based on the fact of whether they are within a radius of a few blocks or are an hour drive away. And how often you see them may have more to do with time constraints than with the relationship itself.

For most hands-on grandparents who see their grandchildren on a regular basis, they don't have to do big things with them; they can cuddle, read to them, bake cookies, sing together or do a craft, share a silly moment, and especially let them know how important they are to you. In the process there will be wonderful memories for both of you about the good times you have shared.

The other type of grandparents are those who stay close by long distance. This is more prevalent now than it once was. We are more of a mobile society now because of the necessity of going where the jobs are or where the other spouse's family lives, etc. In most cases, it doesn't have any bearing on the relationship with your child. Being a long distant grandparent is a little more difficult and there may need to be more creativity. It will be equally important to let them know how much you love them by phoning regularly, sending cards 'just because', or regular e-mails if they are older, sending small inexpensive surprises and making an effort to get together when possible. Especially for special occasions like birthdays.

For those who are raising their grandchildren, the role will be entirely different. It will tend to be more like the parenting role with the day-to-day worries and responsibilities that parents face. Even though there is daily contact, the children have already lost something - their parents - so they will need even more love. It will be necessary not only to be a parent to these children but they will still need the love of a grandparent as well.

And for those who have been denied access to their grandchildren, it is a loss for both them and the grandchild. Grandparents play an important role in the life of grandchildren. These children lose out on much that a grandparent can offer - nonjudgmental attention, undivided attention, a sense of family, security and extra love. No one, and especially children, can ever have too much love. Grandparents can help children feel safe and right with their world. For the child's sake, and your own, never give up on seeing that child. Perhaps continue to get gifts for birthdays and Christmas to keep for them because eventually they will become adults and it may not be too late to develop a relationship at that time. This will be especially true if they know that you have had them in your thoughts all the time. Or open a bank account for them and deposit money regularly that can go towards their post-secondary education.

Being a grandparent can bring a lot of joy. The bond between a grandparent and a grandchild is like no other. I am fortunate that I have been able to be a hands-on grandparent and have close relationships with all of my grandchildren. I consider myself to be very lucky as is anyone who is actively involved in the lives of their grandchildren.