The Value of Trust and Respect in a Relationship

The Value Of Trust and Respect In A Relationship

While attending a recent wedding shower, after a gift was opened, the giver was asked to pass on some advice to the soon to-be-married bride. There were many very good suggestions but one that kept coming back to me was the importance of ‘trust’ and ‘respect’ within a relationship.

I believe that without these two very important components, a relationship is little more than two people sharing the same address. We can share space with anyone but it won’t necessarily be a relationship.

What things are necessary for us to feel so that we can trust our partners? What makes us feel as if we are respected by our partners?

- Do you feel that you can count on your partner when you are in need of their emotional support?
- Do they align themselves with someone else against you?
- Do they appreciate you as a person and for what you do?
- Can they be counted on as a friend as well as your partner?
- Is it an equal relationship with a good balance of give and take?
- Do you get anything from the relationship in terms of feeling good when you are with them?
- Do you trust them not to hurt you and not to take advantage of you?
- Do they treat you fairly?
- Do you always feel sure of their loyalty?
- Do they take your side against others?
- Do they lie to you?
- Can they be counted on to care about your feelings when you’re feeling unhappy?
- Do they respect your needs, wishes and opinions?
- Do they often criticize you?
- Do they make you feel loved?

Some of these issues can be remedied with communication which I believe should be listed in the top three important requirements in a relationship. But many cannot; lying is one such issue. Can they ever be trusted again after they’ve been caught lying several times? Not being loyal would be another issue that would be difficult to resolve through communication.

I believe if a relationship can be saved and both are willing to work at it, it is important to do so. But no one should feel that they must live in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies - How Do They Fit Into Our Lives?

Self-fulfilling prophecies are predictions that will either directly or indirectly come true because of a belief that they will. The beliefs do not have to be true; they only have to be believed.

This happens often with parents and their children. Parents may say of one child, ‘He’s smart; he’ll go to university.’ Very likely this will happen because the child, after hearing this prophecy many times, comes to believe it and will work towards it. Another parent may say of their 1 ½ year old toddler, ‘He’ll do well in sports; look at how well he kicks that ball.’ The child in all probability will be given sports equipment to play with at a young age and will be placed early onto a sports team. Or, ‘He’s always such a klutz; he continually trips over his own feet.’ If children hear this often enough, they will come to believe that’s what they do and the prophecy will likely prove to be true. And if a child is constantly being told that he’s forgetful, there is no necessity for him to remember because he’s known for forgetting and no one expects anything different. Or if a child hears himself always described as being shy, he may make no effort to be anything other than shy because he has never been expected to be outgoing.

There are many of these types of prophecies and parents are the worst culprits. They do their children a disservice by setting them on a path where there may be no validity to the implied truths of their prophecies. A child may be forced to play a sport with no love for the game because of their parents’ belief. A child may wish to take a trade but feel their parents must be right about going to university – after all, they’ve said so their whole life.

But the prophecies do not have to be negative; they can act as positives in programming ourselves for better and happier futures. We may tell all that we intend to become an actor or an actress. If we truly believe that we can be, we will work with determination and perseverance towards our goal. As a result, our prophecy very likely will come true. The same may be true of anything else we have decided to do as long as we are determined to accomplish our goal.

Self-fulfilling prophecies can change our lives either positively or negatively but as with everything else, ultimately we have the choice as to how we live our lives. The question will be: How strongly do we believe?

Happiness and Positive Attitudes

Those with positive attitudes are a magnet to others while those with negative attitudes often alienate those around them including themselves because of their critical and self-critical feelings. How can they like others when they think so little of themselves? Can negative people change their attitudes?

We all want to be happy and thinking positively is a good start to being happy. If we anticipate that we will find good, we usually will. I once heard a visitor to our province say that the people of our large city were not friendly and they don’t smile. Had he presented a friendly, smiling face, he would have found that we are a friendly city. Most people are happy to be acknowledged but someone has to be first to make the overture.

Positive thinking is a mental attitude. If we visualize success, we will succeed. We can look for the bright side of life in each situation; look at our cup as being half full; look for opportunities; be optimistic; be motivated; be determined to succeed; laugh and smile often; persevere, and never give up. Happiness comes from within – we are the only ones who can make us happy. A lot of our feelings of happiness will depend on how we perceive things that happen to us and how we cope with adversity. If we put a smile on our face and ‘act’ as if we’re happy, we’ll end up truly feeling happy.

It is important to be self confident, even if it means initially pretending to be; the pretense of confidence begets real confidence. It is also important to work on self-esteem; visualize positive outcomes; listen to others’ inspirational stories; think creatively; be self-disciplined, and work energetically. The more we do this, the more successful we will be in reaching our goals and the happier we will be.

Thinking positively will eventually be something we no longer have to make an effort to do – it will come naturally.

High Expectations - Are They Realistic?

Some adults forget they are no longer children and want to continue to play at being a prince and princess even as they grow older. They expect to be treated the way they think the world should treat them, just as spoiled children do. Unfortunately, life is not a world of make believe and most of us get treated the way people want to treat us.

In these situations, they may make too many demands, possibly on one relationship, and if that person doesn’t respond as they wish, they may feel betrayed. As an example, one woman I know of said that she couldn’t count on her daughter for anything and could no longer trust her because the daughter had disagreed with her. The issues of ‘trust’ and whether they ‘agreed’ or not are like apples and oranges but she could not be made to realize it. This placed a lot of unreasonable guilt on the daughter. At other times if her daughter went out for the day, she phoned everyone she could think of who might know where she might be, usually with a story of supposed ‘need’ so that they would track her down. And when the daughter went on a much needed vacation, she angrily begrudged her the time she was away.

According to research most unrealistic expectations have to do with manipulation and control. This behavior can be partly as a result of a lack of independence whereby they become emotionally dependent on someone closely connected to them. Often they will demand attention because of their dissatisfaction with life.

Those who feel dissatisfied are looking to others to fill this void. Unfortunately, the more they demand of others and the more unrealistic their expectations, the more people will draw back from them. And the more people pull away, the more they expect and the more dissatisfied, frustrated, resentful and angry they become because their needs are not being met. It becomes a vicious circle where no one is happy, least of all the person making the unrealistic demands. They have not learned that others cannot meet their needs – they are the only ones who can do that.

As in all situations in life, we must set boundaries and not take things personally when someone is unhappy with the boundaries we have set. And most importantly, we must not allow ourselves to be forced to cater to someone else’s unrealistic expectations. We must remember that it is our life and we don’t have to take ownership of anyone else’s unhappiness.

Can We Improve Our Lives?

‘Accept what I can’t change and change what I can’t accept’. These words are taken from a well-known quote that, if thought about, can change each of our lives and help us realize that we are the instigators of our own destinies. We are not pawns to be dealt with as others see fit.

Although things happen to us that we may have had no control over, we do have the power to either accept the change in our lives or work towards making a bad situation better. Sometimes trying to change a bad situation may mean leaving it.

Did we marry someone who later became an alcoholic? We can either accept that they are alcoholics; we can help them to become non-alcoholics or, if things become too difficult to accept, we can leave the situation because it is not good for our own lives and those of our families.

Are we being physically, verbally or emotionally abused within our relationships? Most would never accept this treatment under any circumstances but there are some that do. Attempting to change it may work if the abuser is willing to take counseling or if he/she eventually sees himself or herself as an abuser. However, in most cases it may be necessary to change your life by leaving; if things cannot be changed, it is necessary to think of what is best for yourself and others in the family. This is especially true when children are involved.

Do we work in an environment that does not respect or appreciate its employees? Are we made to work overtime without pay? Are we not given employee’s standard lunch and coffee breaks? Are we expected to work in unsafe environments? We can accept bad employer treatment for fear of losing our jobs; but is that acceptable? Or we can approach our bosses in an attempt to make changes to enhance working conditions for ourselves and our colleagues. But if nothing works and we cannot accept the situation, it will be necessary for us to change what we can’t accept and look elsewhere for another job.

These are only a few examples. The choice is always ours whether to accept a situation, attempt to change it or to not accept it and decide to leave a difficult situation. When we truly realize that we have these choices, we will be able to be stronger in our decision making. We no longer need to be at another’s mercy. We are our own masters and each and every one of us deserves to live with respect.

What Is Middle Age?

There are some that would think thirty-five years is middle age while others may think fifty or older is the magic number. Our perception of what we consider middle age to be will determine how old we feel and how we feel about the age we are.

The real question is how long do we think we will live? I for one would hope to live many years past 70 so for me, thirty-five is not considered middle age. In today’s world thirty-five is still considered young; many couples are just starting their families in this age bracket. Beginning to have a family at thirty-five is more the norm than starting to have children at twenty used to be. The times, and our definitions of what is acceptable as we age, have changed. Previously, if a child was born to parents in the thirty-five to forty year old age category, it was thought to be an unplanned pregnancy.

If families are started at thirty or thirty-five, theoretically children won’t leave the nest until their parents are at least fifty or fifty-five which seems to be a more appropriate age to think about being considered middle age.

Children keep us feeling younger and encourage us to be more inclusive of youthful attitudes; daughters don’t want to see their mothers as being unfashionable and sons want their fathers to be able to ‘keep up’. Parents will try to fit the images their children have of them which results in older people feeling more youthful.

Although 'middle age' can be evidenced physically by increased wrinkles, reduced physical fitness and a reduction of strength and flexibility, I believe that ‘true middle age’ is better defined by each individual’s attitude towards their own aging. As an example of this, my brother and I are a little more than a year apart in age but he considers ‘middle age’ to be at a younger age than what I consider it to be; this attitude is based on the differences in our perceptions on aging.

When one looks in the mirror and sees wrinkles lining the face and a head covered in a halo of gray, do they see ‘old’ or do they look beyond the obvious to the possibilities of what life still has to offer them.

Until one is truly considered to be ‘old’, whereby assistance is required for daily necessities, then I believe we remain in the category of ‘middle age’; if it is absolutely necessary to categorize.

The middle years can be the beginning of a new life. Many are starting new careers in their fifties and sixties. And as we become older and hopefully wiser our opportunities can broaden; by using wisdom, knowledge and more availability of time, we can help others or work towards our own long forgotten dreams. Ignoring opportunities are a lost potential for future happiness.

Avoid negativity as if it were a raging lion and look towards the future with a positive attitude; look for the sun shining on the horizon, not the thunder clouds. Middle age is the oasis between the uncertainty of youth and the unknown future of the elderly. Our oasis can be what we make of it.

Retaining Our Youth - At Any Age

What is age? It’s a number that gets arbitrarily attached to us each year on our birthday regardless of how young we feel. It’s like an albatross around our necks. We can feel forty but be weighted down by the number fifty or more that has been forced on us. So what can we do about it?

We can ignore that number and concentrate on how we feel; and we can work towards looking as good as we feel. There are many ways we can do this. We can avoid gaining extra body weight, exercise regularly, eat a healthy diet, not smoke, drink moderately, have good posture, look after our skin and always use sunscreen, get sufficient sleep, keep our hair in a fashionable style, always be well groomed, and smile often.

Other and just as important ways are:

to speak in the language of the day. (This does not mean teenage lingo). My mother still talks about streetcars instead of our skytrain transit system, trousers instead of slacks, and the gramophone as if these were still things we use;

to think in a youthful way. If we feel forty instead of the fifty or more that we may be, we should try to cultivate friends in that age group. I have noticed that those who move into seniors’ townhouse complexes, even when they are the youngest ones there, start to sound and behave like their older neighbors. If we think like a young person, we’ll feel like a young person;

to stay current in what is happening around us and be able to converse on meaningful topics.
be motivated in getting the most out of life that you can. Enjoy life and living;

try new experiences. Make a list of all the things you haven’t done and would like to do and start doing them. Don’t wait for life to happen to you, make life happen for you.

I also have my own little favorite - don’t tell your age - don’t lie, just don’t tell. People have a preconceived notion of what ‘certain ages’ are like. There should be no presumption of what you may be like based on your age, only you as you are.

Albert Einstein – People like you and I, though mortal of course like everyone else, do not grow old no matter how long we live. We never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born.

Perhaps this is one of the secrets of youth – the ability to be constantly enthusiastic about life and living.

Ashley Montagu – I want to die young at a ripe old age.

Who could ask for anything more than that?

Satchel Paige – How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?

Probably as old as you feel and that’s what it’s all about. How nice it would be to go through life with no number attached to us and be an age only as it related to how young we feel.

Fight Aging With Physical and Mental Exercises

Use it or lose it applies to many things but particularly to the mind. Physical inactivity and lack of mental stimulation can lead to cognitive decline. Those who manage to stay ‘young’ even as they enter their elder years have kept their minds and bodies active throughout their lives.

Cognitive decline is not inevitable as we age unless it is a result of poor health. Mental alertness will continue as we age if we remain physically and mentally active. Cardiovascular exercises act as a fuel for the brain. Activities such as walking, line dancing, rope jumping, swimming, treadmills, bicycles (stationary or otherwise), and even yoga will increase the blood flow which allows oxygen to reach the brain. This, combined with a good diet, not smoking and drinking moderately will reduce the risk of heart disease and strokes, etc.

According to researchers at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation, thinking through the stages of a particular exercise, when unable to exercise, can actually strengthen a muscle. Athletes use this technique but know also that it does not replace actual exercise.

I found this same technique worked when I first learned to type; whenever I saw a sign, or read a book I mentally typed the words and strongly believe this helped to increase my typing speed. I have also used this technique to assist me when sketching; I trace every outline of what I wish to draw with my eye and when it comes time to place pencil to paper, it is much easier to do the sketch because the image is more firmly etched upon my brain.

Stimulating our brains throughout our lives will help to keep us younger. We can do this in many ways, often when we are doing other things, i.e.: if we are right-handed, we can use our left hand for activities such as brushing our hair, our teeth and eating or even for simple things like reaching for the telephone, closing the blinds or using our computer mouse. Other ways of keeping our brains active are to do things with our eyes closed, i.e.: flossing our teeth, getting dressed, putting on socks or tying our shoelaces.

We can increase our mental capabilities by learning a new language, working with modeling clay, reading, playing a game of scrabble, working on crossword puzzles, doing Suduko or playing other games such as Bridge or Hearts. Learning should be continuous throughout our whole
lives. It is also important to avoid monotony, routine, dissatisfaction and discontentment at any age. As we get older, boredom will set in if we don’t maintain interests and hobbies, close connections with friends and family or stay connected with the business of living. Boredom will lead to discontentment and unhappiness. If substance abuse and isolation are the next steps following boredom, aging and poor health can’t be far behind.

My belief is that to retain the feeling of youth, we must wake up each and every morning as if the sun was shining and the birds were singing and tell ourselves that it’s good to be alive. And the first question we should ask ourselves is, ‘What shall I do with my life today?’ No day should be wasted.