Grandparents and Step-Grandchildren

Is there a difference between biological grandchildren and step-granchildren? Although there shouldn't be, there are situations that can sometimes make it that way. The following will describe some of the ways why this may be the case.

One of the things that will make a difference is how old the child is when they come in to your life. If they were young, as my grandchild was at two years old, I can't see that there should be any difference. But if they are fifteen, it will probably be much more difficult for both you and the child. Children in their teens are not as quick to accept as a two year old is. Also there may be extenuating circumstances such as resentment of the biological parent's new family. This will not help to pave the way for a good grandparent/grandchild relationship.

Also, if they do not live with that biological parent, it makes it even more difficult for a grandparent to establish rapport with their new grandchild. Especially if the biological parent they do live with is negative about the child becoming too close to the new family, and particularly if it extends to a grandparent.

But whatever the relationship that the step-grandparent has been able to, or not been able to establish, it is absolutely necessary to treat all children equally. If a gift is bought for one, a gift must be given to all, and of equal value. It may be more difficult to be demonstrably affectionate with both biological grandchild and step-grandchild if the child is standoffish but some kind of an effort should be made. He may not want the affection initially but in time he may feel more willing to accept it. It will be important, however not to push yourself on a child until they are ready to accept you. In in any case overtures should be made even if it is just a pat on the hand, a squeeze on the shoulder and a smile. It will be important for them to feel that you consider them to be one of your grandchildren too. They should be included in any scheduled events or holidays instigated by the grandparent too. The decision may be theirs not to attend but the invitation should be sincerely given.

Another thing that will make a difference is the grandparent's relationship with the new spouse. The new spouse may discourage your involvement with their child or even, although hopefully not, your involvement in your biological grandchildrens' lives.

Being a grandparent can sometimes be a bit of a tightrope walk anyway, depending on the various relationships involved, but being a step-grandparent can be even more difficult with a new and older step-grandchild. The most important thing to remember when in this situation is to be fair, loving, accepting and interested in your new grandchild.

Having said that, love does take time to grow but it shouldn't take away from behaving in a loving way with the child. But being fair is the all-time important thing to remember. Children will pick up on unfairness immediately and it will be difficult to get on good footing with them if they have perceived your treatment has been unfair. Bottom line is, children are children no matter whose they are, and they all deserve to be treated equally and lovingly.

The Eight Stages of Life

The eight stages of life all have lessons and challenges, positives and negatives, that all contribute to shaping the people we become. What are these stages?

These stages are: infant, toddler, preschool, school age, young adult, middle adult and late adult. In each stage there are lessons and challenges, and knowing them can give us some control over our lives. If there are negative pre-stages, problems can develop later in life.

- The infant learns trust if he has been raised in a positive, nurturing environment. And distrust if he has not been fed when he's hungry, kept warm and dry when required or given love and caring when he cries. An infant entering into the toddler stage brings with him hope if he has learned and experienced trust in his infancy. Trust will have been based on his parents' ability to give him sustenance and comfort when needed. Distrust can lead to withdrawal and lack of confidence in his next stage if these basic requirements have not been met.

- Toddlers develop interests and like to explore their environment. Highly restrictive parents are likely to instill a reluctance in a child to attempt new challenges in this stage. If parents or caregivers encourage self-sufficiency, children will become confident. If they are held back or their attempts at self-sufficiency are ridiculed, they will doubt their ability to try new things and will hesitate when presented with new challenges.

- Preschoolers, in the three to six year old stage, begin to develop courage and independence. If they are encouraged, supported and helped, they will develop initiative. But if they are discouraged and their attempts are dismissed as an annoyance, they will feel guilty for trying new things and may become timid.

- School age children are more developed, reasonable and cooperative. If they are encouraged, they will strive to achieve their goals and will persevere at their tasks until they are completed. But if they are discouraged or punished for their efforts, they will develop feelings of inferiority about their capabiities.

- Adolescents are learning to get a sense of their identity and to determine where their lives are going. This stage is a transition from childhood to adulthood and is a particularly difficult life stage with many challenges. The age they are when they enter into the young adulthood stage will depend on when they have established their identity. This adolescent stage may end at twenty or twenty-five or whenever a person feels they have actually come of age and can feel their own sense of maturity.

- According to studies, young adulthood is from the late twenties to early thirties and is a time of intimacy where they are ready for long-term commitments in both close friendships or marriage. However some at this age may enter into marriage/intimacy while still wanting to blend their identities with others, not having yet established their own personalities. If they are unable to determine their own unique identities and establish intimacy with another person, they may feel isolated as they grow older.

- Middle adulthood can be considered between late thirties, (depending on the growth in both the adolescent and young adulthood period), and sixty-four and is a stage of productivity and creativity. It is a time when families are being started and children raised. If pre-stages have been positive, they will be mature and socially responsible. They will maintain healthy life patterns, will help with aging parents and growing and grown children. If the pre-stages have been negative, it may be a time of stagnation and challenges.

- Late adulthood is from sixty-five and onward and can be a stage of contentment or despair. If the pre-stages have been positive, they will be proud of their accomplishments, they will feel they are leading a productive and successful life and will accept the stage they are in. If they look back on their life as being unsuccessful, they will be dissatisfied and may feel depressed and hopeless.

According to research, these eight stages and what we have learned or not learned, will have an impact on our future lives. If we have had negative pre-stages, life will be more of a challenge for us in each stage.

How to Live to Be One Hundred Years Old

In several countries, the U.S., Canada and the U.K. being among them, people over one hundred years are the fastest growing segment in the population. Why are there now more people living to one hundred years and over than ever before?

Japan leads the way in the amount of centenarians they have but the U.S. with their large population have about 72,000, the U.K. 12,000 and Canada 5,825, as of 2011. Women make up the bulk of centenarians.

Studies of those who are one hundred years and older indicate this is because of the availability of better medical care, the fact that those living to this age are not smokers and they have kept their weight down. Many of these people, studies indicate, live independently, remain active, look after themselves, love life, have a sense of humor, are spiritual, courageous, accepting and are not quitters. And because of this, most have managed to keep their minds sharp.

Other things that have helped people age well is regular exercise and a balanced and healthy low calorie diet. Most centenarians believe that the occasional drink doesn't hurt either.

Genetics has a bearing on longevity but it is suspected, with research on twins, that genetic paths can be altered. As one centenarian said of her twin sister who died in her early seventies, "She was a pessimist. She never laughed." Statistics seem to indicate that optimistic people live longer than do pessimistic ones. Are you a positive thinker? How you view a situation will depend on your outlook and will also make a difference in the outcome. For those who see their cup as half full, they will have happier lives.

When speaking with centenarians, most will say they have had an active lifestyle throughout their lives. They have not let age slow them down. One lady who was one hundred years old was still driving. She also said it was necessary to have the will to do things and to stay curious.

Another lady who was 103 years old said it was necessary to adapt to change and not to dwell on the past. She also said not to be too serious, to laugh often. Laughing often seemed to be something that was consistent with all who had reached one hundred years.

Another centenarian, at 106 years old, said to put others first. She said it reduces stress and promotes well-being which helps to strengthen the immune system. Another said it was important to cultivate friendships and to get out there; that it was necessary not to isolate yourself.

According to one study, taking life easy does not lead to longevity. Surprisingly, according to this study, conscientiousness was the best predictor of longevity. This includes those who are dependable, hard-working, persistent and well-organized. Conscientious people take actions to protect their health, they don't engage in risky behaviors, they are less likely to smoke, drink in excess, abuse drugs or drive too fast. They will follow doctor's orders and make conscientious decisions on a daily basis. These people develop healthy habits early, stay physically active and associate with other healthy people.

Centenarians are often those who are receptive to new experiences. They will move out of their comfort zone and try new things. They also have a good attitude and maintain relationships. On their 100th birthdays, they will probably have many who will celebrate their party with them.

Snowbird Grandparents - The New Type of Grandparent

Snowbird grandparents are becoming increasingly common. They migrate south for the winter, happily anticipating building new nests and settling in for the six month interim. Does it have an affect on the family and their relationships?

There are diverse opinions on how the snowbird migration affects families - probably as many opinions as there are family members. As one young child put it, 'We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.' One parent comment, 'They are going to miss most of their grandchild's life and they don't really seem to care that much. They are choosing to be absent grandparents.' And from one young adult, 'I had snowbird grandparents and had a terrible relationship with them because of it.' Another opinion was, 'They spent their lives raising children and now they are free to do what they please.' and from a snowbird herself, 'We raised our kids, it's our time now.'

As with everything in life, there are pros and cons. It wouldn't be what I would choose to do but that is me. It isn't any different than grandparents who live in a different state or province than their grandchildren. And in many cases it's the offspring with the grandchildren themselves that make the decision to move somewhere else. The main difference is that in this case, the grandparents are choosing to be away from their families.

The positives about having a snowbird grandparent:

- There is a good opportunity to visit grandparents in a warm and sunny climate during the cold of winter where we live.

- There are still six other months of the year.

- A grandparent can still be a good grandparent regardless of whether distance is a factor or not. There are telephones, snail mail and of course everyone's favorite, e-mail and Skype.

- A snowbird's migration to warmer climes does not have to affect family relationships if you don't let it.

- Grandparents meeting new friends and enriching their lives can only benefit the lives of their family members. They will be more interesting and have stories to pass on to their grandchildren and families when they see them again.

The negatives about having a snowbird grandparent:

- Their own children, in some cases, resent that the grandparents aren't there for their grandchildren.

- The grandchildren miss the grandparents, particularly if there has been a close relationship before they decided to become snowbirds.

- There are health or other situations that make their children more reliant on them to assist with the grandchildren.

In the end though, it will be a choice that retiring couples will make based on their financial ability, health, and their own feelings about being away from family for six months out of the year.

Grandparents Parenting Their Grandchildren

The parents may be around but are unable to parent or they may not be around at all. Either way, parenting your grandchildren is not like parenting you're own children, it's a whole different ball game.

In the United States, there are more than 3.9 million households of grandparents parenting their grandchildren. There are many reasons why grandparents may need to parent their grandchildren. In some cases the parents may have died, have mental disorders, substance abuse, be incarcerated or have abandoned their children.

And because of many of those reasons, grandparents may be feeling their own sense of failure, guilt and embarrassment. What would already be a difficult job because of the loss to the grandchildren that they must deal with, they may have the additional burden of possibly trying to help their own children, they may have to deal with an alienation of their own child or may be suffering through the loss of that child.

The grandchildren will definitely be feeling loss and possibly abandonment. They may also have suffered abuse or neglect and are likely to feel insecure and angry. They could have had prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol or may have psychological or physical problems because of earlier experiences.

It will be the grandparents responsibility to make their grandchildren feel safe and secure; to give them stability and a regular routine; to communicate with them, to have rules, set limits and establish boundaries. These grandparents will also have to try and be positive, keep children active, show compassion, give guidance and unconditional love.

Grandparents can offer experience and perspective and show family continuity to their grandchildren. They can motivate, nurture and show affection. In the parenting role to their grandchildren, it will be important to take photos and keep records of the children's progress to let them know how important they are to you.

It is equally important that as grandparents who are parenting at a time when they had not been expecting to do so, that they take care of themselves and maintain their own health. It will be important also to have someone to talk to who can help when the stress of parenting becomes overwhelming.

There could possibly be legal issues to deal with besides day-to-day care such as custody or legal guardianship. This may be even more difficult if the parent has a mental problem or a substance abuse issue. There will be extra expenses for diapers, formula, car seats, cribs, besides the clothes and extra food involved in raising a family. There may be physical disabilities that require wheelchairs or other expenses as well.

The financial obligation can be overwhelming for most at a time when they may be at their lowest income level. It is estimated that sixteen percent of those grandparents raising grandchildren live below the poverty level.

Kudos to those grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. It is not an easy task but they do it because they love their grandchildren.

How to Spend Valuable Time With Your Teenage Grandchildren

Spending time with teenage grandchildren is completely different than time spent with younger grandchildren. Although what they like to do is different, they still want to be involved with their family.

Although teenagers shun anything they consider to be babyish, they are not adverse to attention and involvement with the adults in their lives. This is particularly true if there has been a previously close relationship. However, trying to establish a bond when they are in their teens will be difficult if none existed before.

The older teen is more likely to want independence and not to feel as if they are treated like a child. They will respect our efforts if we are flexible, within determined boundaries, sensitive to their feelings and are nonjudgmental. And if we invite a friend of theirs to be included in family fun times, they will be eager to participate, especially when they see their friend is enjoying the fun. One granddaughter and her friend have stayed overnight on several occasions. And I have taken one young grandson and his friend to the beach and on a weekend camping trip.

If we are interested in them, eager to listen, talk to them and share ideas and feelings with them, they are likely to be more open with us especially if they know their friends are welcome too. Teenagers enjoy board games, cards and scrabble. They may be interested in tennis, going fishing or hiking or perhaps getting involved in the adventure of geocaching. There may be things relating to their specific interests that you can take them to, i.e.: science, space, woodworking, rock climbing, boating, horseback riding, a computer, sewing or art course, etc. They may want to go to the water slides, a movie or a sports game. Some of these things you may not be exactly involved in but they will appreciate the fact that they and their friend would not have got there without you.

Perhaps you know someone who has a commercial fishing boat or a sailboat who would be willing to take you and your teenage grandchild out on. And if your grandchildren are at all environmentally-conscious take them to visit an association that protects fur bearing animals, an owl rehabilitation organization, a wildlife rescue organization, a visit to an organization that researches solar energy, winds and tides, an organization that is interested in the preservation of the fish in the oceans and the ecological preservation of waterways, a fish hatchery, a dam, go on a bird watching expedition, join a group that learns wilderness skills, visit a Llama farm, go canoeing or kayaking, go on a whale watching trip, make a trip to watch millions of salmon struggle to lay their eggs, completing their four year life cycle. Go spelunking in an underground cavern. The YWCA and YMCA offer a variety of programs. Visit a lighthouse, go camping, go to local festivals, an auto or motorcycle show, the boat show, golfing or bowling.

By giving a grandchild the opportunity to try many of these activities, it could instill a lifelong interest and may possibly determine their life goals. At the very least it will, in all probability, encourage them to be interested in spending time with a grandparent.

Things To Do With Your Grandchildren

Doing things with your grandchildren are what memories are made of; sharing smiles and laughter and perhaps even a few tears. It is an opportunity to be a child again too.

The following are some ideas of things to do with your pre-teen grandchildren:

- When your grandchild has a sleep-over, have a 'Let's Imagine Box' beside the bed. Fill a small gift box with slips of 'let's imagine' questions. This works even if the child is unable to read yet. It will allow you to get to know your grandchild in a different way. some ideas are: 1)Let's imagine that you were going to look for buried treasure, where would you look? What kind of treasure do you think you would find? What would you do with it if you found any? 2)Let's imagine that you are flying in the sky with an eagle, where do you think you would go? Do you think you would make the sounds of an eagloe or would he talk like you do? 3) Let's imagine that you are lying on a large fluffy cloud and you're floating in the sky, what do you think you would see when you look around? Who do you think would be with you? Or put some personal slips in the box that relate specifically to that child.

- Another variation on this is story-telling where you begin the story and then the child adds his own bit of creativeness and between you, a story grows. It's interesting to see where the story goes and it gives another opportunity to know and relate to the child. It could begin with: 'Once upon a time Reilly was on his way to visit his cousin Jaeden when he passed Mr. and Mrs. Miller's house. He almost never saw the elderly couple but today they were sitting together on the porch. Their old rockers moved gently back and forth, squeaking on the weathered boards. "Hello Reilly," they called. "What are you going to do today? You look like you're in a hurry to get someplace. Have you got a fun day planned?" And then the child can continue with the story. It can go back and forth with each of you giving the story your own little twist. My grandchildren have enjoyed this but usually they want to do the ending part themselves.

- If there are several grandchildren, give each one their own special day by planning an event centered around them. Some of the ideas for this can be to take them for lunch or make a special lunch for them with their favorite food items, or if others are present, make that child special by having a king or queen crown that he/she can wear, let them choose their favorite desert. Or go somewhere special or have a 'curled-up with popcorn and their special treats' movie day.

- Spend time together talking and listening.

- Play the child's favorite games, perhaps Go Fish or Snakes 'n' Ladders.

- Plant a small garden together or if this isn't possible, plant some seeds in a plant pot and watch them grow. Let the child look after it himself.

- Make a framed certificate that the child can hang on his wall stating all of his special qualities.

- Send the child home with love notes telling him/her how special he/she is to you and that you're very happy they are your grandchild.

- Make a personalized happy birthday story about your grandchild.

- Make Christmas ornaments with your grandchild that they can hang on the tree. A child's happy face is much more important than a perfectly color coordinated tree.

- Go to the beach or an open field and fly kites together.

- Go on a picnic or at least have one in your back yard or on the balcony.

- Do an Album of Events, a book compiled of things you have done with your grandchildren; special excursions, favorite places, pictures of them with family, friends or a pet. The child will feel the love surrounding him with every page he turns.

- Sing songs and read books together.

- If you have several grandchildren together, play games, i.e.: 1) Let's pretend, a child's version of charades where the child can pretend to be a galloping horse, a robot, a snake or whatever they can imagine being. 2