Helping Out When Your New Grandchild is Born

As a grandparent, there are many things you can do to help out when a new grandchild is born. For each one, the need may be different depending on the particular circumstances.

When my first grandchild was born, I cooked meals ahead and put them in the freezer so cooking wasn't an issue for the first week or so. However, it is best to ask first. Some people prefer their own style of cooking. When this particular grandchild was born, I also bought a fiscus plant. She is fourteen years old now and the plant is nearly as tall as she is. (However, plants may not always be welcome either).

When my second grandchild was born, I looked after the baby so that the parents could get some much needed sleep. Also, when it was decided that nursing wasn't the success the new mother had hoped for, I picked up formula and bottles, sterilizing the bottles and then making up some formula. And when their next child was born, I looked after both children so that the tired parents could catch up on their sleep. Although we all know that after the birth of a new baby it takes a lot more than that to be caught up.

When the third grandchild was born, both were uncomfortable with bathing the new baby so I gave the first bath and suggested that they could sponge bath the new arrival until they felt more comfortable handling her. I also, in this case too, looked after the baby while they caught up on their sleep. Sleep deprivation is a common problem with new parents and can make what really is a small problem seem monumental.

When the next grandchild is born, I'm sure my role will be to take the older child to karate and piano classes and pick her up from school and I will likely spend extra time with her so she doesn't feel left out. I'm sure also that I will look after both children so their parents can get, as all new parents need, some uninterrupted sleep.

Sometimes with a new baby, first time parents just have to be reassured that things are going as they should be. Yes, babies most often initially wake up to be fed every two hours, especially nursed babies. Those babies that are being nursed often fall asleep before they're full as it is hard work compared to being fed with a bottle. But the benefits of being nursed are significant to the baby. And yes, some babies do cry more than others. They each have their own personalities just as grown-ups do.

Many new parents look for answers from their friends, who are also new parents searching for answers. As a grandparent it is wise not to offer unsolicited advice even though you have the advantage of having already raised children. If they come to you with a question, that is the time to offer your help. How the answer is worded will be as important as the answer, especially at a time when emotions are running on high.

The most important thing we can do as grandparents is to extend our offers of help. Some of our children will jump at the chance for a little assistance and others will want to manage on their own. That's their choice. But offering is key; at least they know that help is only a simple request away.

Grandparents and Step-Grandchildren

Is there a difference between biological grandchildren and step-granchildren? Although there shouldn't be, there are situations that can sometimes make it that way. The following will describe some of the ways why this may be the case.

One of the things that will make a difference is how old the child is when they come in to your life. If they were young, as my grandchild was at two years old, I can't see that there should be any difference. But if they are fifteen, it will probably be much more difficult for both you and the child. Children in their teens are not as quick to accept as a two year old is. Also there may be extenuating circumstances such as resentment of the biological parent's new family. This will not help to pave the way for a good grandparent/grandchild relationship.

Also, if they do not live with that biological parent, it makes it even more difficult for a grandparent to establish rapport with their new grandchild. Especially if the biological parent they do live with is negative about the child becoming too close to the new family, and particularly if it extends to a grandparent.

But whatever the relationship that the step-grandparent has been able to, or not been able to establish, it is absolutely necessary to treat all children equally. If a gift is bought for one, a gift must be given to all, and of equal value. It may be more difficult to be demonstrably affectionate with both biological grandchild and step-grandchild if the child is standoffish but some kind of an effort should be made. He may not want the affection initially but in time he may feel more willing to accept it. It will be important, however not to push yourself on a child until they are ready to accept you. In in any case overtures should be made even if it is just a pat on the hand, a squeeze on the shoulder and a smile. It will be important for them to feel that you consider them to be one of your grandchildren too. They should be included in any scheduled events or holidays instigated by the grandparent too. The decision may be theirs not to attend but the invitation should be sincerely given.

Another thing that will make a difference is the grandparent's relationship with the new spouse. The new spouse may discourage your involvement with their child or even, although hopefully not, your involvement in your biological grandchildrens' lives.

Being a grandparent can sometimes be a bit of a tightrope walk anyway, depending on the various relationships involved, but being a step-grandparent can be even more difficult with a new and older step-grandchild. The most important thing to remember when in this situation is to be fair, loving, accepting and interested in your new grandchild.

Having said that, love does take time to grow but it shouldn't take away from behaving in a loving way with the child. But being fair is the all-time important thing to remember. Children will pick up on unfairness immediately and it will be difficult to get on good footing with them if they have perceived your treatment has been unfair. Bottom line is, children are children no matter whose they are, and they all deserve to be treated equally and lovingly.

Snowbird Grandparents - The New Type of Grandparent

Snowbird grandparents are becoming increasingly common. They migrate south for the winter, happily anticipating building new nests and settling in for the six month interim. Does it have an affect on the family and their relationships?

There are diverse opinions on how the snowbird migration affects families - probably as many opinions as there are family members. As one young child put it, 'We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.' One parent comment, 'They are going to miss most of their grandchild's life and they don't really seem to care that much. They are choosing to be absent grandparents.' And from one young adult, 'I had snowbird grandparents and had a terrible relationship with them because of it.' Another opinion was, 'They spent their lives raising children and now they are free to do what they please.' and from a snowbird herself, 'We raised our kids, it's our time now.'

As with everything in life, there are pros and cons. It wouldn't be what I would choose to do but that is me. It isn't any different than grandparents who live in a different state or province than their grandchildren. And in many cases it's the offspring with the grandchildren themselves that make the decision to move somewhere else. The main difference is that in this case, the grandparents are choosing to be away from their families.

The positives about having a snowbird grandparent:

- There is a good opportunity to visit grandparents in a warm and sunny climate during the cold of winter where we live.

- There are still six other months of the year.

- A grandparent can still be a good grandparent regardless of whether distance is a factor or not. There are telephones, snail mail and of course everyone's favorite, e-mail and Skype.

- A snowbird's migration to warmer climes does not have to affect family relationships if you don't let it.

- Grandparents meeting new friends and enriching their lives can only benefit the lives of their family members. They will be more interesting and have stories to pass on to their grandchildren and families when they see them again.

The negatives about having a snowbird grandparent:

- Their own children, in some cases, resent that the grandparents aren't there for their grandchildren.

- The grandchildren miss the grandparents, particularly if there has been a close relationship before they decided to become snowbirds.

- There are health or other situations that make their children more reliant on them to assist with the grandchildren.

In the end though, it will be a choice that retiring couples will make based on their financial ability, health, and their own feelings about being away from family for six months out of the year.

Grandparents Parenting Their Grandchildren

The parents may be around but are unable to parent or they may not be around at all. Either way, parenting your grandchildren is not like parenting you're own children, it's a whole different ball game.

In the United States, there are more than 3.9 million households of grandparents parenting their grandchildren. There are many reasons why grandparents may need to parent their grandchildren. In some cases the parents may have died, have mental disorders, substance abuse, be incarcerated or have abandoned their children.

And because of many of those reasons, grandparents may be feeling their own sense of failure, guilt and embarrassment. What would already be a difficult job because of the loss to the grandchildren that they must deal with, they may have the additional burden of possibly trying to help their own children, they may have to deal with an alienation of their own child or may be suffering through the loss of that child.

The grandchildren will definitely be feeling loss and possibly abandonment. They may also have suffered abuse or neglect and are likely to feel insecure and angry. They could have had prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol or may have psychological or physical problems because of earlier experiences.

It will be the grandparents responsibility to make their grandchildren feel safe and secure; to give them stability and a regular routine; to communicate with them, to have rules, set limits and establish boundaries. These grandparents will also have to try and be positive, keep children active, show compassion, give guidance and unconditional love.

Grandparents can offer experience and perspective and show family continuity to their grandchildren. They can motivate, nurture and show affection. In the parenting role to their grandchildren, it will be important to take photos and keep records of the children's progress to let them know how important they are to you.

It is equally important that as grandparents who are parenting at a time when they had not been expecting to do so, that they take care of themselves and maintain their own health. It will be important also to have someone to talk to who can help when the stress of parenting becomes overwhelming.

There could possibly be legal issues to deal with besides day-to-day care such as custody or legal guardianship. This may be even more difficult if the parent has a mental problem or a substance abuse issue. There will be extra expenses for diapers, formula, car seats, cribs, besides the clothes and extra food involved in raising a family. There may be physical disabilities that require wheelchairs or other expenses as well.

The financial obligation can be overwhelming for most at a time when they may be at their lowest income level. It is estimated that sixteen percent of those grandparents raising grandchildren live below the poverty level.

Kudos to those grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. It is not an easy task but they do it because they love their grandchildren.

How to Spend Valuable Time With Your Teenage Grandchildren

Spending time with teenage grandchildren is completely different than time spent with younger grandchildren. Although what they like to do is different, they still want to be involved with their family.

Although teenagers shun anything they consider to be babyish, they are not adverse to attention and involvement with the adults in their lives. This is particularly true if there has been a previously close relationship. However, trying to establish a bond when they are in their teens will be difficult if none existed before.

The older teen is more likely to want independence and not to feel as if they are treated like a child. They will respect our efforts if we are flexible, within determined boundaries, sensitive to their feelings and are nonjudgmental. And if we invite a friend of theirs to be included in family fun times, they will be eager to participate, especially when they see their friend is enjoying the fun. One granddaughter and her friend have stayed overnight on several occasions. And I have taken one young grandson and his friend to the beach and on a weekend camping trip.

If we are interested in them, eager to listen, talk to them and share ideas and feelings with them, they are likely to be more open with us especially if they know their friends are welcome too. Teenagers enjoy board games, cards and scrabble. They may be interested in tennis, going fishing or hiking or perhaps getting involved in the adventure of geocaching. There may be things relating to their specific interests that you can take them to, i.e.: science, space, woodworking, rock climbing, boating, horseback riding, a computer, sewing or art course, etc. They may want to go to the water slides, a movie or a sports game. Some of these things you may not be exactly involved in but they will appreciate the fact that they and their friend would not have got there without you.

Perhaps you know someone who has a commercial fishing boat or a sailboat who would be willing to take you and your teenage grandchild out on. And if your grandchildren are at all environmentally-conscious take them to visit an association that protects fur bearing animals, an owl rehabilitation organization, a wildlife rescue organization, a visit to an organization that researches solar energy, winds and tides, an organization that is interested in the preservation of the fish in the oceans and the ecological preservation of waterways, a fish hatchery, a dam, go on a bird watching expedition, join a group that learns wilderness skills, visit a Llama farm, go canoeing or kayaking, go on a whale watching trip, make a trip to watch millions of salmon struggle to lay their eggs, completing their four year life cycle. Go spelunking in an underground cavern. The YWCA and YMCA offer a variety of programs. Visit a lighthouse, go camping, go to local festivals, an auto or motorcycle show, the boat show, golfing or bowling.

By giving a grandchild the opportunity to try many of these activities, it could instill a lifelong interest and may possibly determine their life goals. At the very least it will, in all probability, encourage them to be interested in spending time with a grandparent.

Things To Do With Your Grandchildren

Doing things with your grandchildren are what memories are made of; sharing smiles and laughter and perhaps even a few tears. It is an opportunity to be a child again too.

The following are some ideas of things to do with your pre-teen grandchildren:

- When your grandchild has a sleep-over, have a 'Let's Imagine Box' beside the bed. Fill a small gift box with slips of 'let's imagine' questions. This works even if the child is unable to read yet. It will allow you to get to know your grandchild in a different way. some ideas are: 1)Let's imagine that you were going to look for buried treasure, where would you look? What kind of treasure do you think you would find? What would you do with it if you found any? 2)Let's imagine that you are flying in the sky with an eagle, where do you think you would go? Do you think you would make the sounds of an eagloe or would he talk like you do? 3) Let's imagine that you are lying on a large fluffy cloud and you're floating in the sky, what do you think you would see when you look around? Who do you think would be with you? Or put some personal slips in the box that relate specifically to that child.

- Another variation on this is story-telling where you begin the story and then the child adds his own bit of creativeness and between you, a story grows. It's interesting to see where the story goes and it gives another opportunity to know and relate to the child. It could begin with: 'Once upon a time Reilly was on his way to visit his cousin Jaeden when he passed Mr. and Mrs. Miller's house. He almost never saw the elderly couple but today they were sitting together on the porch. Their old rockers moved gently back and forth, squeaking on the weathered boards. "Hello Reilly," they called. "What are you going to do today? You look like you're in a hurry to get someplace. Have you got a fun day planned?" And then the child can continue with the story. It can go back and forth with each of you giving the story your own little twist. My grandchildren have enjoyed this but usually they want to do the ending part themselves.

- If there are several grandchildren, give each one their own special day by planning an event centered around them. Some of the ideas for this can be to take them for lunch or make a special lunch for them with their favorite food items, or if others are present, make that child special by having a king or queen crown that he/she can wear, let them choose their favorite desert. Or go somewhere special or have a 'curled-up with popcorn and their special treats' movie day.

- Spend time together talking and listening.

- Play the child's favorite games, perhaps Go Fish or Snakes 'n' Ladders.

- Plant a small garden together or if this isn't possible, plant some seeds in a plant pot and watch them grow. Let the child look after it himself.

- Make a framed certificate that the child can hang on his wall stating all of his special qualities.

- Send the child home with love notes telling him/her how special he/she is to you and that you're very happy they are your grandchild.

- Make a personalized happy birthday story about your grandchild.

- Make Christmas ornaments with your grandchild that they can hang on the tree. A child's happy face is much more important than a perfectly color coordinated tree.

- Go to the beach or an open field and fly kites together.

- Go on a picnic or at least have one in your back yard or on the balcony.

- Do an Album of Events, a book compiled of things you have done with your grandchildren; special excursions, favorite places, pictures of them with family, friends or a pet. The child will feel the love surrounding him with every page he turns.

- Sing songs and read books together.

- If you have several grandchildren together, play games, i.e.: 1) Let's pretend, a child's version of charades where the child can pretend to be a galloping horse, a robot, a snake or whatever they can imagine being. 2

What is a Grandparent's Role?

There are grandparents who see their grandchildren regularly, those who are long distant ones, others who are caregivers to their grandchildren and those who have almost no access to them because of family strife. What are the roles of a grandparent within each of these categories?

Are there different roles for grandparents for each family unit within the basic family structure? The type of role each grandparent plays depends on many things, some of which you will have no control over.

In most cases those who see their grandchildren regularly generally have good relationships with their own children. That tends to be the basis for a successful grandparent/grandchild relationship. However for some, even in this category, they may not see their grandchildren as often as they would like. Perhaps there is some tension with a daughter or son-in-law or there may be issues between your child and their spouse which may affect the relationship you have with your grandchild/ren. You may have a closer relationship with your daughter's children than with your son's. or perhaps location is a factor - availability may be determined based on the fact of whether they are within a radius of a few blocks or are an hour drive away. And how often you see them may have more to do with time constraints than with the relationship itself.

For most hands-on grandparents who see their grandchildren on a regular basis, they don't have to do big things with them; they can cuddle, read to them, bake cookies, sing together or do a craft, share a silly moment, and especially let them know how important they are to you. In the process there will be wonderful memories for both of you about the good times you have shared.

The other type of grandparents are those who stay close by long distance. This is more prevalent now than it once was. We are more of a mobile society now because of the necessity of going where the jobs are or where the other spouse's family lives, etc. In most cases, it doesn't have any bearing on the relationship with your child. Being a long distant grandparent is a little more difficult and there may need to be more creativity. It will be equally important to let them know how much you love them by phoning regularly, sending cards 'just because', or regular e-mails if they are older, sending small inexpensive surprises and making an effort to get together when possible. Especially for special occasions like birthdays.

For those who are raising their grandchildren, the role will be entirely different. It will tend to be more like the parenting role with the day-to-day worries and responsibilities that parents face. Even though there is daily contact, the children have already lost something - their parents - so they will need even more love. It will be necessary not only to be a parent to these children but they will still need the love of a grandparent as well.

And for those who have been denied access to their grandchildren, it is a loss for both them and the grandchild. Grandparents play an important role in the life of grandchildren. These children lose out on much that a grandparent can offer - nonjudgmental attention, undivided attention, a sense of family, security and extra love. No one, and especially children, can ever have too much love. Grandparents can help children feel safe and right with their world. For the child's sake, and your own, never give up on seeing that child. Perhaps continue to get gifts for birthdays and Christmas to keep for them because eventually they will become adults and it may not be too late to develop a relationship at that time. This will be especially true if they know that you have had them in your thoughts all the time. Or open a bank account for them and deposit money regularly that can go towards their post-secondary education.

Being a grandparent can bring a lot of joy. The bond between a grandparent and a grandchild is like no other. I am fortunate that I have been able to be a hands-on grandparent and have close relationships with all of my grandchildren. I consider myself to be very lucky as is anyone who is actively involved in the lives of their grandchildren.

Six Ways You Can Be The Fun Grandparent

Children enjoy together time with grandparents much more if there is fun involved. There are many ways to enjoy time spent with your grandchildren. The following are six ideas to help you be the fun grandparent:

1. Make any together time a game. Driving from one place to another can be very boring for young children. The boredom can be relieved by singing songs with the children being encouraged to join in. Make up stories and encourage the children to add their own pieces to the story no matter how silly or outlandish it may seem. A story can be a very effective distraction and can last quite a while depending on the number of children there are contributing to the story line. Do counting and other games, depending on the ages of the children. For example if they are learning their alphabet and numbers, you can play something like: one apple, two bears, three cats, four dogs, five elephants, six frogs, etc. Let them come up with ideas for each of the different letters of the alphabet.

2. Play with children by doing what they enjoy. If physically possible, get down on the floor with them and build airplanes and cars with their blocks or dance with them to some of their musical toys. I spent some time recently sitting in a princess castle with my two year old granddaughter while we read books. Children like it when you are at the same level as they are. It is important to play the games that children enjoy not just what is the most enjoyable for you. Understandably, some things are not physically possible as grandparents age.

3. Determine what the interests are of each grandchild and create fun things to do relating to their interests. One of my grandchildren enjoys doing crafts so each time we get together we have a different project to work on. Recently at seven he has decided he wants to be an architect when he grows up. He has seen some old buildings and wants to view the insides of them. My ten year old granddaughter enjoys going for dinner and then looking in the stores, even if we don't buy anything. And one of the little ones loves animals so we have gone to petting zoos, the aquarium, a bird sanctuary and the game park zoo.

4. Celebrate each occasion with your grandchildren. There are events for all of them. For Hallowe'en make going to the pumpkin patch an annual event. Every year we include going through a corn maze as a fun thing to do too. At this time of the year there are also hayrides to go on. At Christmas time there are Christmas light displays; some of them are so spectacular that children are invited to be part of the event. Most towns have a Christmas parade and there's always a visit with Santa at the mall or breakfast with Santa. And during the summer there are trips to the beach, walks through nature or even a trip to the farm to pick berries.

5. Fun time with grandchildren can also be educational. We recently went to a butterfly sanctuary where even the youngest children learned something. Another trip was whale watching where we saw not only a few whales but sea lions and seals. Visiting the farm animals at the country fair can be another fun and educational experience for children. And going kite flying at the beach lets children learn how to keep it in the air by using the air currents.

6. Invite the grandchildren for sleepovers. I will have one or sometimes two at a time and plan on doing something special. If it's around Christmas we have made gingerbread houses, done baking or made a Christmas craft all of which they can happily take home with them. If the weather is nice we will plan on an outdoor adventure like going to the duck pond with lots of birdseed, going to a local park to explore or in really nice weather, going to a water park. The ten year old grandchild and I once spent several weeks working on a puppet show by preparing a set and making the puppets by using apple heads. I wrote the play and at one of the family functions we presented it to the whole family.

I have done all of these things with my grandchildren plus more. We have also gone on vacation together at various times. Not only do they enjoy the time spent with a grandparent but I enjoy my time spent with them by being the fun grandparent.

What Are The Roles of a Grandparent?

Most of us approach the role of grandparent with happiness, excitement and perhaps a little bit if trepidation. Becoming a new grandparent is somewhat like becoming a new parent; we don't know what is expected of us.

In some ways it may be more disconcerting because we are not in control; our children are. But in other ways it is less frightening because we do not have 24 hour responsibility for this new little person; we get to sleep at night and we've already been there. And, in the majority of cases, we get to choose what kind of grandparents we will be.

We may choose, or perhaps necessity will choose for us, to be the grandparents who drive our grandchildren to appointments, school and get to be their favorite babysitter. Or we may decide that isn't our role and be the grandparents who attend all of their hockey and soccer games, concerts, dance lessons and school functions. Or we may decide to be the fun grandparent and take our grandchildren to movies, Santa's breakfast, to the beach and on picnics, to the water slides, the fair ground and on holidays.

Or we may not have a choice because we live too far away. This will create another type of grandparent role while we try to stay in touch with telephone calls, birthday cards, gifts and perhaps yearly visits.

There is another kind of grandparent, a group that is fast becoming increasingly large, who feel that it is their time and have chosen to spend months at a time in warmer climes. They feel they have earned it; they've raised their children. Sometimes when this has been a choice, children and grandchildren try to make them feel guilty that they're not there to serve in the grandparent role.

Being a grandparent is often not an easy role. We may at times be required to walk a tight rope through our children's relationships and problems while we attempt to establish and keep whatever type of role we have chosen to have as grandparents to our grandchildren.

We may also play one role with one set of grandchildren and another role with other grandchildren depending on circumstances. Our role may be different with our son's children than with our daughter's children depending on our relationshuip with our daughters-in-law. Sometimes the various roles we play, not necessarily because of our own choices, can cause problems within the family structure. There may be jealousies if it is perceived that one set of grandchildren receive more attention than another set.

In my own family, I am generally considered the fun grandparent because I take them on Christmas light excursions, on the Hallow'en and Christmas train, we do crafts, have overnights, play hide and seek and do all the other fun things there are to do with children throughout the year. Although with my daughter's children I am not only the fun grandparent but also, because of circumstances in her life, an occasional babysitter, a chauffeur for the children, and help with the many things that require being done when there are young children.

I believe that whatever role we choose as grandparents, there will hopefully be mutual satisfaction. If our children ask for more than we are prepared to give, we will not be successful in our role. On the other hand, if we become more involved in our role than our children feel comfortable with, we will not be successful either. As grandparents we must find roles that work for each family if we wish to have close relationships with our grandchildren.

Just when we thought we had it all figured out in the parent role, we become grandparents and realize that being a grandparent has become yet another learning experience. But it can also be a whole lot of fun.