Adult Step-Children - Are They a Thorny Issue in a Second Marriage?

Many second marriages crumble as a result of issues surrounding step-children. With young children who are living in the home, the problem is easier to understand. But what of problems created by adult step-children who are not living in the home?

Issues such as jealousies may arise if adult children feel their wishes or, in some cases demands, are now only considered in view of the new family structure and do not have the same significance as they did before their parent had married again.

Also adult children are very often upset with the idea that the new person in their biological parent's life will not only have a claim on their time but also may have some financial claims as well which could well leave them with substantially less of the pot.

And in some cases, the adult children may feel that the new person in their parent's life is usurping their biological parent's place. They may also feel that this person doesn't measure up in some way and be resentful of the new person in their mothers or father's life.

The following are some basic suggestions to bear in mind which can help in relationships with adult step-children:

• Be a good listener to your step-children whether they are young or are adults;

• Don't try to be a parent to them whatever their age but particularly when they're adults, try to be a friend only;

• When trying to establish relationships, go slowly;

• Attempt to have good communication;

• Be interested in them and in their interests;

• Don't try to be a grandparent to the offspring of your adult step-children;

• Encourage your spouse to maintain a relationship with his/her children;

• Avoid doing anything that makes step-children, young or adult, feel threatened by you.

But what if there had been very little relationship between the biological parent and his or her children before you came on the scene? But in spite of this there is still resentment of the new person in their parent's life; what can you do as the new person?

It is still advisable to encourage your spouse to be as interactive as possible with his/her children. However, do not try to influence the children or encourage anything that is out of their comfort zone; it is not up to you and will only be viewed on their part as interference.

I read once that if a child is seven years old when a step-parent enters their life, it will take seven years for them to accept and consider the new person to be a permanent part of their existence. So it is easy to understand how much more difficult it is when the step-children are adults. And this is particularly the case if there already exists a poor relationship between the biological parent and his/her adult children.

There are varying statistics for failures of second marriages but it is suggested that a second marriage is less likely to survive than a first. One report suggests that only 20% of second marriages succeed because of the many problems and pitfalls associated with second or subsequent marriages. Step-children are considered high on the list of difficulties that are encountered.

In order for a second marriage to survive, particularly when there are adult step-children, probably the best advise is to be low-key and friendly and allow all family situations to be dealt with by the biological parent. Although according to statistics, even following this advise will not always guarantee a successful second marriage.

More Dads Doing Diaper Duty - Fathers Taking Parental Leave

Fathers, as the stay-at-home parent, are becoming much more common in the last few years partly as a result of the increased earning power of women in the workforce and secondly because fathers are taking a more active interest in the rearing of their children.

Although fathers taking paternity leave is becoming much more common, according to my research, only one in ten men in Canada take parental leave to be home with their babies, with the exception of Quebec where the practise is much more common. Almost half of fathers in Quebec take advantage of paternity leave; as well as many German, Swedish, Norwegian and Finnish fathers who also opt to stay home with their children.

As one father said, 'It is an excellent way for fathers to bond with their cvhildren. It is an amazing experience for fathers - one that women have had for years - of watching first smiles, first roll-overs, first-time sitting up, crawling and walking; not to mention all the other firsts there are in a young child's first year of life. It is not as exciting to hear it from someone else as it is to see it for yourself'.

As every stay-at-home mother knows, special bonding is more likely to happen when you're around for all the subtle changes that are missed when the baby is only seen in the evening when both the child and parent are tired from an already full and busy day.

If this eventually becomes a common practise with fathers sharing parental leave, perhaps we may start hearing children call 'dad' as often as they call 'mom'. Or children, when they've had a bump will say, 'I need a daddy hug' instead of runing past dad to mom to be consoled. (Interestingly, two out of my three sons, who have children, have opted to do shared parental leave).

The initial adjustment in becoming parents to a newborn is much easier when it is shared and doesn't fall on one parent only. When a new father becomes the primary caregiver of a new baby, it is an eye opener regarding how much time is involved in caring for a small baby. There is a song about tough men becoming marshmallows when they have children. This is even more the situation when men become their child's full-time caregiver. They don't just see their child's cranky times when they get home from work and the child is ready for bed; they experience all the wonderful times there are to enjoy with their children throughout the day.

Why do some fathers not make paternity leave an option?

There can be many reasons. One of the main ones is because financially it may not be feasible to do so. Other reasons are that there is no interest in doing so; they are not emotionally motivated to do so; or they don't receive support from superiors or colleagues (this could be because it may not be considered the manly thing to do by some men). There may also be varying assumptions and expectations between spouses relating to childcare and financial responsibilities.

My son and daughter-in-law believe strongly that one parent should stay home with their child for the first few years. Because my daughter-in-law's income is higher, my son is the stay-at-home parent for their two year old daughter. This has worked very well for them. My daughter-in-law enjoys her job and after working towards her Masters does not want to give up what she enjoys doing. And my son appreciates the opportunity to develop a strong relationship with his daughter.

For those fathers who have chosen the path of stay-at-home dad, most are happy they made the decision to do so.

Six Ways You Can Be The Fun Grandparent

Children enjoy together time with grandparents much more if there is fun involved. There are many ways to enjoy time spent with your grandchildren. The following are six ideas to help you be the fun grandparent:

1. Make any together time a game. Driving from one place to another can be very boring for young children. The boredom can be relieved by singing songs with the children being encouraged to join in. Make up stories and encourage the children to add their own pieces to the story no matter how silly or outlandish it may seem. A story can be a very effective distraction and can last quite a while depending on the number of children there are contributing to the story line. Do counting and other games, depending on the ages of the children. For example if they are learning their alphabet and numbers, you can play something like: one apple, two bears, three cats, four dogs, five elephants, six frogs, etc. Let them come up with ideas for each of the different letters of the alphabet.

2. Play with children by doing what they enjoy. If physically possible, get down on the floor with them and build airplanes and cars with their blocks or dance with them to some of their musical toys. I spent some time recently sitting in a princess castle with my two year old granddaughter while we read books. Children like it when you are at the same level as they are. It is important to play the games that children enjoy not just what is the most enjoyable for you. Understandably, some things are not physically possible as grandparents age.

3. Determine what the interests are of each grandchild and create fun things to do relating to their interests. One of my grandchildren enjoys doing crafts so each time we get together we have a different project to work on. Recently at seven he has decided he wants to be an architect when he grows up. He has seen some old buildings and wants to view the insides of them. My ten year old granddaughter enjoys going for dinner and then looking in the stores, even if we don't buy anything. And one of the little ones loves animals so we have gone to petting zoos, the aquarium, a bird sanctuary and the game park zoo.

4. Celebrate each occasion with your grandchildren. There are events for all of them. For Hallowe'en make going to the pumpkin patch an annual event. Every year we include going through a corn maze as a fun thing to do too. At this time of the year there are also hayrides to go on. At Christmas time there are Christmas light displays; some of them are so spectacular that children are invited to be part of the event. Most towns have a Christmas parade and there's always a visit with Santa at the mall or breakfast with Santa. And during the summer there are trips to the beach, walks through nature or even a trip to the farm to pick berries.

5. Fun time with grandchildren can also be educational. We recently went to a butterfly sanctuary where even the youngest children learned something. Another trip was whale watching where we saw not only a few whales but sea lions and seals. Visiting the farm animals at the country fair can be another fun and educational experience for children. And going kite flying at the beach lets children learn how to keep it in the air by using the air currents.

6. Invite the grandchildren for sleepovers. I will have one or sometimes two at a time and plan on doing something special. If it's around Christmas we have made gingerbread houses, done baking or made a Christmas craft all of which they can happily take home with them. If the weather is nice we will plan on an outdoor adventure like going to the duck pond with lots of birdseed, going to a local park to explore or in really nice weather, going to a water park. The ten year old grandchild and I once spent several weeks working on a puppet show by preparing a set and making the puppets by using apple heads. I wrote the play and at one of the family functions we presented it to the whole family.

I have done all of these things with my grandchildren plus more. We have also gone on vacation together at various times. Not only do they enjoy the time spent with a grandparent but I enjoy my time spent with them by being the fun grandparent.

What Are The Roles of a Grandparent?

Most of us approach the role of grandparent with happiness, excitement and perhaps a little bit if trepidation. Becoming a new grandparent is somewhat like becoming a new parent; we don't know what is expected of us.

In some ways it may be more disconcerting because we are not in control; our children are. But in other ways it is less frightening because we do not have 24 hour responsibility for this new little person; we get to sleep at night and we've already been there. And, in the majority of cases, we get to choose what kind of grandparents we will be.

We may choose, or perhaps necessity will choose for us, to be the grandparents who drive our grandchildren to appointments, school and get to be their favorite babysitter. Or we may decide that isn't our role and be the grandparents who attend all of their hockey and soccer games, concerts, dance lessons and school functions. Or we may decide to be the fun grandparent and take our grandchildren to movies, Santa's breakfast, to the beach and on picnics, to the water slides, the fair ground and on holidays.

Or we may not have a choice because we live too far away. This will create another type of grandparent role while we try to stay in touch with telephone calls, birthday cards, gifts and perhaps yearly visits.

There is another kind of grandparent, a group that is fast becoming increasingly large, who feel that it is their time and have chosen to spend months at a time in warmer climes. They feel they have earned it; they've raised their children. Sometimes when this has been a choice, children and grandchildren try to make them feel guilty that they're not there to serve in the grandparent role.

Being a grandparent is often not an easy role. We may at times be required to walk a tight rope through our children's relationships and problems while we attempt to establish and keep whatever type of role we have chosen to have as grandparents to our grandchildren.

We may also play one role with one set of grandchildren and another role with other grandchildren depending on circumstances. Our role may be different with our son's children than with our daughter's children depending on our relationshuip with our daughters-in-law. Sometimes the various roles we play, not necessarily because of our own choices, can cause problems within the family structure. There may be jealousies if it is perceived that one set of grandchildren receive more attention than another set.

In my own family, I am generally considered the fun grandparent because I take them on Christmas light excursions, on the Hallow'en and Christmas train, we do crafts, have overnights, play hide and seek and do all the other fun things there are to do with children throughout the year. Although with my daughter's children I am not only the fun grandparent but also, because of circumstances in her life, an occasional babysitter, a chauffeur for the children, and help with the many things that require being done when there are young children.

I believe that whatever role we choose as grandparents, there will hopefully be mutual satisfaction. If our children ask for more than we are prepared to give, we will not be successful in our role. On the other hand, if we become more involved in our role than our children feel comfortable with, we will not be successful either. As grandparents we must find roles that work for each family if we wish to have close relationships with our grandchildren.

Just when we thought we had it all figured out in the parent role, we become grandparents and realize that being a grandparent has become yet another learning experience. But it can also be a whole lot of fun.

Is Happiness a State of Mind?

What makes people happy? Some researchers believe that people are born with a 'set-point' for happiness. One California researcher states that fifty percent of happiness is due to genes, forty per cent to activities and ten per cent to life's circumstances. Based on this theory, what can we do to help make our lives happier?

If activities make us happier then it makes sense that doing ones that make us feel creative, worthwhile, productive, unselfish and helpful would be good ones to choose.

Another survey, released by the University of Michigan, states that global happiness is on the rise in part due to democratization, economic growth and social tolerance. Research also indicates that keeping up with the Jones's is not a recipe for contentment. It stated that Americans earning more than $10 million annually are only slightly happier than the average American.

According to further research babies are born either happy or cranky. As a parent of five children and grandparent of seven children, I believe strongly that each one is born with a very well established personality. It does not seem to have anything to do with what their parents have in the way of material possessions, how much money the family earns or how many outfits the baby has. The theory is that as long as he/she is well-fed, warm and given lots of love, they will be happy. But interestingly, even the well-fed and well-loved ones can be cranky.

I believe that if a person is comfortable and has all of their basic needs met, they should be content; especially if they appreciate their life as it is, and are grateful each day for the good things in their life. Contentment is an attitude and especially if one focuses on the positive instead of the negative things in their lives.

If people are looking for a deliriously happy feeling, they will be disappointed. The feeling of contentment, which I believe equals happiness, is a feeling of well-being and can be ours if we are positive and don't crave what we don't have and probably don't need.

I have no huge desire to have expensive furniture or a fancier house. If I had, I may be worried about my grandchildren ruining something and then they would not feel welcome and may no longer think of me as a fun grandparent.

I am also quite satisfied with the car I have where I don't have to worry about what my grandchildren might do to suede or leather upholstery. And if I purchased expensive clothes, would I want to burp a baby, feed a toddler or cuddle a sticky child who has just finished eating an ice cream cone? Or would I want to hug a child who has chocolate on his face when he runs happily to greet me? Would I enjoy life more if I spent half of it away from the most important people in the world to me?

Happiness for me is being content, satisfied, and appreciative of what I have. In my contentment and happiness, I couldn't ask for more than I already have. For most of us, happiness can be a reality.

Are Most People Honest?

Honesty encompasses many things. The flip side of honesty is dishonesty which can mean something obvious like lying or it can be something insidious and destructive like being dishonest in a relationship. Honesty is one of the most important aspects of our moral character.

The definition of honesty is being upright, fair, truthful and sincere. It means we are not deceitful, we do not lie, cheat or steal, we practice integrity, we are trustworthy and we are virtuous. Being honest is an active resistance to temptation.

Some examples of honesty are that we tell the truth despite what the consequences may be to ourselves. We do things such as give a cashier back extra money we may have been given erroneously; we turn in lost objects such as a wallet or some jewelery we may have found; we don't blame others when something has been our fault, we own up to our mistakes, and we don't take credit for something someone else has done.

Honesty protects those who are innocent. Honesty promotes trust. Trust and honesty, by necessity, walk hand-in-hand. It is the only way because without honesty, there can be little trust. For those who believe white lies are harmless, a white lie is still a lie. When lying bnecomes a habit, sometimes life becomes a lie as each lie compounds itself into yet a bigger lie. This can be particularly destructive in relationships and will eliminate all trust and eventually the love.

Most of us have been the recipients of dishonest behavior. But when you are the recipient of honest behavior, it leaves a good feeling. We recently were fortunate to experience this feeling. My daughter, myself and two grandchildren had plans to float down the Channel in a small town near where we live. When we got there we discovered that our rubber raft had a small hole in it. Because it would take too long to get all the air out, and we couldn't get it into the car without removing the air, we took a chance on the honesty of people and lay it on top of the car. Renting inner tubes we drifted down the Channel wondering occasionally if the raft would still be there when we returned. We were thrilled, upon our return to the car, to realize that the people of this small town were very honest. When things like that happen, you realize there are many good people around. It also increased our trust in our fellow man.

But when you have been lied to, a fraud has been perpetuated on you or someone has broken into your home or car, you are left with feelings of disappointment and anger and a general sense of distrust in all people.

In our experience with our rubber raft, there was no real expectation that there would be honest people around so the feeling was even more encouraging when we discovered otherwise. For those who are honest, I congratulate you. And for those who are not, I would hope that you put yourself in the other person's shoes and realize that dishonesty does not foster love, respect or trust.

How to Write a Family Newsletter

To write an annual family newsletter requires focus, organization and planning. Involving other family members will more likely ensure its success, especially if the children have had some part in the process.

For our newsletter, I interviewed each of the grandchildren. The older ones wrote their own article with a byline and had their picture beside it. With the younger children, I asked them questions and incorporated their answers into articles. They also got their own bylines with pictures too. They were all thrilled with the opportunity to tell how their year had gone and to have their picture in the newsletter.

For my own children I wrote a summary about what each family unit had done in the past year with accompanying pictures of things I had done with each of the grandchildren. Most of the pictures were ones no one had seen before which made it more interesting for everyone. There was a section also on holidays each had taken including relevant pictures. The last section of the newsletter was mainly pictures of family events such as birthdays, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities. I included comments on different things that had been said, or that the children had done; the types of things that although humorous at the time become quickly forgotten during a busy year of further happenings.

The newsletter was eight pages long but need not be. A shorter newsletter can be just as entertaining and exciting for family members. Because I have five children with their spouses and seven grandchildren with an abundance of events going on throughout the year, I found it was difficult to do anything smaller.

The organization that is required is making sure that pictures are taken throughout the year of everything that would be interesting to include in the newsletter. It is important also to keep notes of all events, holidays and anything else of interest that happens during the year so that these can all be included. Funny quotes from the children can be humorous inclusions too.

One example of this was on one recent family vacation, the four year old, being last into the pool, jumped in complete with his armament (water wing armbands) yelling, "A soldier never leaves a good man behind." Those type of memories of children are often forgotten but can be recalled later when re-reading the annual family newsletter.

Another was a poem I included written by my six year old grandson. 'Mean, mad, muddy skeleton, Dangerous, dark, dripping Dracula, Horrible, haunted, hungry bats.' It was a Hallowe'en assignment in grade one. By the time he's in grade four, would anyone remember his great little poem if not for the newsletter?

The planning that is necessary is typing the newsletter. I did mine in a two column format. It was necessary to do some cut and pasting to get the pictures where I wanted them. (I realize with better computer skills, this would have been unnecessary).

Following each of the children's articles I included an Editor's Note adding to what they had said. Another aspect of planning a newsletter is compiling the various pictures necessary to tell the story of a year in the ife of your family. When my newsletter was complete, I photocopied the required amount of copies. At the last birthday celebration of the year, each family member received their own copy of our annual newsletter.

Every year famlies have things that happen that are forgotten. Why not include them in your own newsletter? it is also a time to laugh together and to remember the meaning of family. It has been a hit in my family. Why not yours?