If Guilt Threatens To Strangle Us

Most of us go through life with feelings of guilt in some form or another. We can let our guilt, like a boa constrictor, strangle the life out of us or we can make practical and realistic efforts to discover the causes of our guilt and determine what we can do about it.

Do we feel guilty because of something wrong or immoral that we have done; something that we didn’t do and should’ve done; have we let other people down, or have we not met others expectations? Worse still is not meeting our own expectations. Are we our own worst critic; have we not met our own personal standards, or have we magnified out of proportion what we think we have done? If so, it may be that our personal expectations of ourselves are unrealistically high.

Our consciousness and our values are what bring about our feelings of guilt. These feelings are normal. Extreme feelings of guilt are another story and can exasperate feelings of depression, low self-esteem and low self-confidence.

Some of my own feelings of guilt are because I went to work while my youngest was still young. I had stayed home with his three older brothers and his sister. I felt the loss more than he so I carry the guilt for not having been home to look after him as well. He, when asked, said he does not feel deprived and has grown up to be a very well-adjusted and social person.

Another guilt I am feeling is the necessity of having to set boundaries with my aging mother. Boundaries in our lives are necessary for our own emotional health and well-being but when our parents become elderly, setting boundaries is a difficult thing to do. Do setting personal boundaries become selfish when it involves the elderly and the ill? Our inner critic may tell us they are. Do others expect more from us than what we are doing? Or are the expectations we think others have of us really of our own making about what we think we should be doing? Are our feelings of guilt always logical or realistic? Only we can make that decision.

None of us is perfect and not one of us can be expected to be. Once we can accept that, we can stop beating ourselves up.

The Importance of a Pro and Con List in Our Lives

My mother used to say that when she got angry with my father, she would consider the pros and cons of their relationship and the pro list was always much longer than the con list. I always thought she was onto something good.

The problem here is whether we have the ability to be objective instead of subjective when we are in a combative situation. If we view a disagreement in a subjective way when we are angry, we probably will see very few pros and the con list may be very long.

How do we know if we are being subjective or objective?

If we are being objective, we are basing our opinion on definite facts; we are unbiased, and our facts are true and not imagined.

Being subjective is an opinion, an assumption or a belief which may or may not be true. If it is not true, the opinion based on it could be destructive for both sides.

But we each see our own truths – what is true for one person may be seen completely differently by another and that is their truth. So what is the truth and how do we determine it when we are trying to objectively make up our pro and con list.

An example of this would be that an opinion may be that he/she was drunk. The responding comment might be that he/she had only had two small drinks and was only tipsy. To each, it is their truth and without a breathalyzer test, who could say accurately.

The real value of the pro and con list is that once it has been made, if the pro list is longer, the anger will likely have dissipated. If the con list is longer, go for a run and then come back and open the doors of communication.

A lot of times our truths are based only on our perceptions; after communicating it is possible that something that may have once been on the con side may not be seen in such a negative light.

If the pro and con list is made up each time there is a major disagreement, and if each time the pro list is longer than the con list, as it was in my mother’s case, sit back and enjoy the benefits of your good relationship

The Value of Trust and Respect in a Relationship

The Value Of Trust and Respect In A Relationship

While attending a recent wedding shower, after a gift was opened, the giver was asked to pass on some advice to the soon to-be-married bride. There were many very good suggestions but one that kept coming back to me was the importance of ‘trust’ and ‘respect’ within a relationship.

I believe that without these two very important components, a relationship is little more than two people sharing the same address. We can share space with anyone but it won’t necessarily be a relationship.

What things are necessary for us to feel so that we can trust our partners? What makes us feel as if we are respected by our partners?

- Do you feel that you can count on your partner when you are in need of their emotional support?
- Do they align themselves with someone else against you?
- Do they appreciate you as a person and for what you do?
- Can they be counted on as a friend as well as your partner?
- Is it an equal relationship with a good balance of give and take?
- Do you get anything from the relationship in terms of feeling good when you are with them?
- Do you trust them not to hurt you and not to take advantage of you?
- Do they treat you fairly?
- Do you always feel sure of their loyalty?
- Do they take your side against others?
- Do they lie to you?
- Can they be counted on to care about your feelings when you’re feeling unhappy?
- Do they respect your needs, wishes and opinions?
- Do they often criticize you?
- Do they make you feel loved?

Some of these issues can be remedied with communication which I believe should be listed in the top three important requirements in a relationship. But many cannot; lying is one such issue. Can they ever be trusted again after they’ve been caught lying several times? Not being loyal would be another issue that would be difficult to resolve through communication.

I believe if a relationship can be saved and both are willing to work at it, it is important to do so. But no one should feel that they must live in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies - How Do They Fit Into Our Lives?

Self-fulfilling prophecies are predictions that will either directly or indirectly come true because of a belief that they will. The beliefs do not have to be true; they only have to be believed.

This happens often with parents and their children. Parents may say of one child, ‘He’s smart; he’ll go to university.’ Very likely this will happen because the child, after hearing this prophecy many times, comes to believe it and will work towards it. Another parent may say of their 1 ½ year old toddler, ‘He’ll do well in sports; look at how well he kicks that ball.’ The child in all probability will be given sports equipment to play with at a young age and will be placed early onto a sports team. Or, ‘He’s always such a klutz; he continually trips over his own feet.’ If children hear this often enough, they will come to believe that’s what they do and the prophecy will likely prove to be true. And if a child is constantly being told that he’s forgetful, there is no necessity for him to remember because he’s known for forgetting and no one expects anything different. Or if a child hears himself always described as being shy, he may make no effort to be anything other than shy because he has never been expected to be outgoing.

There are many of these types of prophecies and parents are the worst culprits. They do their children a disservice by setting them on a path where there may be no validity to the implied truths of their prophecies. A child may be forced to play a sport with no love for the game because of their parents’ belief. A child may wish to take a trade but feel their parents must be right about going to university – after all, they’ve said so their whole life.

But the prophecies do not have to be negative; they can act as positives in programming ourselves for better and happier futures. We may tell all that we intend to become an actor or an actress. If we truly believe that we can be, we will work with determination and perseverance towards our goal. As a result, our prophecy very likely will come true. The same may be true of anything else we have decided to do as long as we are determined to accomplish our goal.

Self-fulfilling prophecies can change our lives either positively or negatively but as with everything else, ultimately we have the choice as to how we live our lives. The question will be: How strongly do we believe?

Happiness and Positive Attitudes

Those with positive attitudes are a magnet to others while those with negative attitudes often alienate those around them including themselves because of their critical and self-critical feelings. How can they like others when they think so little of themselves? Can negative people change their attitudes?

We all want to be happy and thinking positively is a good start to being happy. If we anticipate that we will find good, we usually will. I once heard a visitor to our province say that the people of our large city were not friendly and they don’t smile. Had he presented a friendly, smiling face, he would have found that we are a friendly city. Most people are happy to be acknowledged but someone has to be first to make the overture.

Positive thinking is a mental attitude. If we visualize success, we will succeed. We can look for the bright side of life in each situation; look at our cup as being half full; look for opportunities; be optimistic; be motivated; be determined to succeed; laugh and smile often; persevere, and never give up. Happiness comes from within – we are the only ones who can make us happy. A lot of our feelings of happiness will depend on how we perceive things that happen to us and how we cope with adversity. If we put a smile on our face and ‘act’ as if we’re happy, we’ll end up truly feeling happy.

It is important to be self confident, even if it means initially pretending to be; the pretense of confidence begets real confidence. It is also important to work on self-esteem; visualize positive outcomes; listen to others’ inspirational stories; think creatively; be self-disciplined, and work energetically. The more we do this, the more successful we will be in reaching our goals and the happier we will be.

Thinking positively will eventually be something we no longer have to make an effort to do – it will come naturally.

High Expectations - Are They Realistic?

Some adults forget they are no longer children and want to continue to play at being a prince and princess even as they grow older. They expect to be treated the way they think the world should treat them, just as spoiled children do. Unfortunately, life is not a world of make believe and most of us get treated the way people want to treat us.

In these situations, they may make too many demands, possibly on one relationship, and if that person doesn’t respond as they wish, they may feel betrayed. As an example, one woman I know of said that she couldn’t count on her daughter for anything and could no longer trust her because the daughter had disagreed with her. The issues of ‘trust’ and whether they ‘agreed’ or not are like apples and oranges but she could not be made to realize it. This placed a lot of unreasonable guilt on the daughter. At other times if her daughter went out for the day, she phoned everyone she could think of who might know where she might be, usually with a story of supposed ‘need’ so that they would track her down. And when the daughter went on a much needed vacation, she angrily begrudged her the time she was away.

According to research most unrealistic expectations have to do with manipulation and control. This behavior can be partly as a result of a lack of independence whereby they become emotionally dependent on someone closely connected to them. Often they will demand attention because of their dissatisfaction with life.

Those who feel dissatisfied are looking to others to fill this void. Unfortunately, the more they demand of others and the more unrealistic their expectations, the more people will draw back from them. And the more people pull away, the more they expect and the more dissatisfied, frustrated, resentful and angry they become because their needs are not being met. It becomes a vicious circle where no one is happy, least of all the person making the unrealistic demands. They have not learned that others cannot meet their needs – they are the only ones who can do that.

As in all situations in life, we must set boundaries and not take things personally when someone is unhappy with the boundaries we have set. And most importantly, we must not allow ourselves to be forced to cater to someone else’s unrealistic expectations. We must remember that it is our life and we don’t have to take ownership of anyone else’s unhappiness.

Can We Improve Our Lives?

‘Accept what I can’t change and change what I can’t accept’. These words are taken from a well-known quote that, if thought about, can change each of our lives and help us realize that we are the instigators of our own destinies. We are not pawns to be dealt with as others see fit.

Although things happen to us that we may have had no control over, we do have the power to either accept the change in our lives or work towards making a bad situation better. Sometimes trying to change a bad situation may mean leaving it.

Did we marry someone who later became an alcoholic? We can either accept that they are alcoholics; we can help them to become non-alcoholics or, if things become too difficult to accept, we can leave the situation because it is not good for our own lives and those of our families.

Are we being physically, verbally or emotionally abused within our relationships? Most would never accept this treatment under any circumstances but there are some that do. Attempting to change it may work if the abuser is willing to take counseling or if he/she eventually sees himself or herself as an abuser. However, in most cases it may be necessary to change your life by leaving; if things cannot be changed, it is necessary to think of what is best for yourself and others in the family. This is especially true when children are involved.

Do we work in an environment that does not respect or appreciate its employees? Are we made to work overtime without pay? Are we not given employee’s standard lunch and coffee breaks? Are we expected to work in unsafe environments? We can accept bad employer treatment for fear of losing our jobs; but is that acceptable? Or we can approach our bosses in an attempt to make changes to enhance working conditions for ourselves and our colleagues. But if nothing works and we cannot accept the situation, it will be necessary for us to change what we can’t accept and look elsewhere for another job.

These are only a few examples. The choice is always ours whether to accept a situation, attempt to change it or to not accept it and decide to leave a difficult situation. When we truly realize that we have these choices, we will be able to be stronger in our decision making. We no longer need to be at another’s mercy. We are our own masters and each and every one of us deserves to live with respect.